by Scott Neumyer
Teddy bears and other stuffed animals are so cute, right? When you are a child. Most grown women do not need or want a stuffed toy for Valentine’s Day.
1. A Vacuum Cleaner
The last thing your lady wants to be reminded of on Valentine’s Day is housework and cleaning. Even if you think you’re being thoughtful by remembering that she mentioned needing a new Dyson a few months back, you can rest assured that she didn’t mean she wanted it as a Valentine’s Day gift. Trust me. Avoid any household appliances unless you want to end up with your fingers stuffed in her brand new blender.
Buy this instead: Book her a few hours at her favorite massage parlor or salon. It’s a great way to say “thank you” for all the housework she does throughout the year. *Bonus Points if you clean the entire house while she’s getting her massage.
2. Clothing
This one’s actually a tough call. Women do love their clothing. That’s absolutely true. The problem with buying your woman clothes, however, is that it’s a no-win situation. If you buy her clothes that are too big for her, she thinks that you think she’s fat. If you buy her clothes that are too small for her, she thinks she’s fat.
The chances of you getting her clothes that are the exact right size are slim and none. As much as you might think clothes are a good idea, they are not. You will pay dearly should you ignore this advice.
Buy this instead: A subscription to her favorite fashion magazine.
3. A Steering Wheel Cover
Your lady may love her car, but that doesn’t mean you should buy her accessories for Valentine’s Day. Steer clear (pun totally intended) of seat covers, floor mats, a steering wheel cover, or fuzzy dice. These aren’t romantic in any sense of the word (and, no, mud flaps with bikini-clad women on them do not count as sexy).
Practical gifts are no fun on Valentine’s Day and, though she may have nice toasty hands on cold mornings while using her fur-lined steering wheel cover, it’s going to get mighty cold in the bedroom for you if you actually buy her that gift.
Buy her instead: Cashmere-lined leather gloves to keep her hands warmand stylish while driving.
4. A Gift Card
Unless you’re buying her a specific service like a manicure or massage, gift cards are the absolute least thoughtful gift you can give to someone. There’s zero thought required to give someone a plastic card worth fifty bucks at the local Target.
If your sister asks for a gift card at Christmas time, that’s fine. Get her the gift card. But your girlfriend or wife never wants a gift card for Valentine’s Day. You might as well just ask her to pick out her own present, slacker.
Buy this instead: When in doubt, treat her to dinner at her favorite restaurant. Call ahead and have something special—like chilled champagne or a cashmere shawl draped over her chair—waiting upon your arrival.
5. A Teddy Bear
Teddy bears and other stuffed animals are so cute, right?
When you are a child.
Most grown women do not need or want a stuffed toy for Valentine’s Day. On the off-chance she happens to like stuffed animals, she probably already owns an ample-sized collection (again, from childhood).
Buy your wife or girlfriend a gift that makes her feel like the woman she wants to be, not the kid she once was.
Buy this instead: If you’re going for an uber-romantic gift, why not pen her a heartfelt love letter or poem? You don’t need to be Shakespeare to write her something from the heart.
6. Tickets To An Event YOU Really Want To Attend
It is true that the ladies love it when their men treat them to a night on the town, but giving her tickets to a monster-truck rally isn’t exactly the best way to say, “I love you.” If you’re going to risk it by giving her tickets to an event, make sure it’s something that she actually wants to see. Otherwise, you’re going to end up with a one-way ticket to Doghouse, USA.
Buy this instead: Tickets to an event SHE really wants to attend (and go with her, whether you really want to or not).
7. Cheap Jewelry
Every woman loves jewelry! It’s a proven fact! That may be true, but no one is talking about cheap jewelry that looks tacky and turns your girlfriend’s finger, neck, or ears green after she’s showered.
Giving the gift of cheap jewelry says only one thing about you: you’re cheap… in all areas of life. She’ll think you value your precious money more than her.
Buy this instead: The rule with jewelry is to go big or don’t go at all. If she wants cheap jewelry, she’ll buy it herself.
8. A Bathroom Scale
Your girlfriend could lose a few pounds, right? She says it all the time, right? That is not an invitation for you to buy her a scale, a gym membership, a treadmill, or sessions with a personal trainer. You may think your girl is the hottest thing on two legs, but buying her anything fitness-related is a recipe for disaster, as she’ll inevitably think you’re saying she needs to lose weight.
If you’re going this route, you’d better hope you spent plenty of time at the gym yourself because you’re going to need the muscles to carry all your stuff out of the apartment.
Buy this instead: An “of the month club” membership to help her indulge in—rather than deny herself—her favorite things. If she’s into cooking, you could sign her up to receive a basket of local produce each month. If she’s into wine, sign her up for a wine of the month club—get started picking varietals at SutterHome.com.
9. Candy or Flowers
This might be the most controversial gift on this list, but it’s one that I’m standing by. The ladies do love their flowers and candy, and that very combination is one that has been melting hearts on Valentine’s Day for generations.
That’s all well and good, but I’m telling you not to go this route. Don’t be a cliché. Be original. Ladies love originality and they love it when a man can think outside of the box. Flowers die. Candy just adds on the pounds. Be smart and find something meaningful and special for your lady on Valentine’s Day. Avoid the obvious (and every single one of the gifts on this list) and you’ll be a better boyfriend (or husband) for it. Trust me.
Buy this instead: This one is on you, guys. Be original. If you’re really stuck, think of her favorite hobby or pastime and then try to find the coolest new accessory or enhancement for it. C’mon, you can do it!
10. A Self-Help Book
Books always make great gifts, right? They’re thoughtful, and often heartfelt, and can say a lot not only about the person receiving the gift, but also the person giving the gift.
That is, unless you’re actually crazy enough to buy your girlfriend or wife self-help books for Valentine’s Day. Sure, she may need them. Sure, she may have mentioned wanting to read them. But, trust me, she does notwant to unwrap self-help books on Valentine’s Day. She doesn’t want to be reminded of any neurosis she may have to cure. Give her this gift and you’re going to find yourself at the self-help section of the bookstore looking for How to Survive a Breakup.
Buy this instead: A great coffee table book on her favorite subject. Check out the Daily Beast’s “Best Coffee Table Books 2011” for inspiration.
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Read more in Your Tango
Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.
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