#12. Apparatus for Facilitating the Birth of a Child by Centrifugal Force

U.S. Patent Office This belongs in some Nazi doctor’s lair and nowhere else.

The Invention:

A machine that spins pregnant women around in rapid circles, until the baby gets the idea and flies out into the net strapped across its mother’s nether regions.

The Terror:

Being pregnant is already scary enough without having to be strapped into a spinning carnival ride. Everything about this patent gives us the impression that George B. and Charlotte E. Blonsky should never be allowed anywhere near pregnant women, or people in general. And now a serious question we don’t want to know the answer to: Which one of them posed for this drawing?

U.S. Patent Office Neither of them. It’s a volunteer model they kidnapped off the street.

The patent says it’s designed for “more civilized women,” as opposed to those brutes who somehow give birth to babies without first spinning around in a giant fetus-shooting cyclotron. Obviously this brilliant invention never caught on, but don’t feel bad: The human centrifuge went on to be cited by the patent for something called “Method and Apparatus for Bleeding a Test Animal,” which we are not going to look up. If you want to, be our guest.

#11. Hypodermic Syringes and Attachments Thereto Pleasing to Children

U.S. Patent Office

The Invention:

A hypodermic syringe shaped like a cuddly creature to prevent children from being afraid of needles.

The Terror:

The first problem we see here is that the way this syringe is designed, the massive needle is clearly visible and juts out of the front of whatever adorable, kid-friendly object is chosen. The second thing is, do we really want to make syringes more appealing to kids? Won’t they just end up stealing them and accidentally stabbing their friends or themselves in the eye? Why did the inventor have to make the bunny’s face so kissable?

Of course, even the dumbest of kids will eventually realize that this cute-looking contraption brings them nothing but pain, thus learning to hate anything even remotely adorable. Like, you know, babies themselves. Hey, they’ll probably grow up to invent things like these. You know what they say: “The road to hell is paved with cuddly-animal-shaped hypodermic syringes.”

#10. Baby Feeder and Method

U.S. Patent Office “… well do ya, punk?”

The Invention:

A gun that shoots food into your baby’s mouth.

The Terror:

What the hell is this doing on this list? Sorry, this is an accidental crossover from our list of “Baby Inventions So Awesome, We’re Going to Have Babies Just So We Can Buy Them.” Now every feeding is the goddamn opening scene of Fight Club!

#9. Bed Enclosure for a Baby

U.S. Patent Office

The Invention:

An egg-shaped enclosure for babies designed to prevent you from rolling over in bed and suffocating the munchkin whilst you both sleep.

The Terror:

Nothing says love like trapping your baby in a cage that makes it look like a giant beetle is sleeping in the bed, then turning your back on it and going to sleep. Sure, a kid might not remember exactly what he was doing when he was only 1 year old, but doesn’t this kind of sleeping arrangement leave lingering psychological scars? Of the “One day I’ll dress in clown makeup and kill people” type?

U.S. Patent Office There’s no way this lady doesn’t wake up screaming every morning, then goes “Oh, right. I did that.”

So how well does this work? Let’s put it this way: One of the prior inventions that led to its creation, as referenced by the patent, was titled “corpse viewing cover.” Um, yeah, you should probably stick with the old “make a wall of cushions in the middle of the bed” method. Or just buy your child a damn crib, you cheap bastard.

#8. Disposable Stick for Stimulating Defecation in Children

U.S. Patent Office

The Invention:

A stick you insert into your baby’s poophole to make it, well, poop.

The Terror:

Because it’s a stick you insert into your baby’s poophole to make it poop. We’re no medical experts, but we were under the impression that babies had that shit covered (literally). Seriously, it’s like the one thing they can do completely by themselves.

Jupiterimages/Pixland/Getty Images “We’re also great screamers!”

Also, let’s consider for a moment the fact that our inventor felt the need to qualify his invention as a “disposable” defecation stick. Why, what the hell is the alternative? Additionally unsettling, the patent diagram is pretty unclear as to which end is, ahem, the business end. See, if these things were reusable, you could just smell it and find out.

Finally, the patent points out that the stick is made out of “suitable material.” What material would be considered suitable to put inside a baby’s butt, pray tell? Because we wanna make sure we don’t get reincarnated as that.

#7. Baby Patting Machine

U.S. Patent Office

The Invention:

This austere contraption is meant to be attached to a crib before it goes to work repeatedly smacking your baby on the ass. Because nothing puts a child to sleep faster than a gentle beating.

The Terror:

Wait, what? You won’t be surprised to learn that this thing was patented in 1968 — whoever came up with it was probably simultaneously high on hash, LSD, and their tenth listen of Their Satanic Majesties Request. It doesn’t help that the hand in the illustration looks like it’s going in for a grope rather than a smack, but we’re actually not sure which one is worse. Perhaps it’s a little bit of column A, a little bit of column B.

U.S. Patent Office … a little bit of column C(hild abuse).

Also, what happens if this thing accidentally gets left on and junior doesn’t or can’t move? Or if the dial controlling the smacking strength gets set too high? Child services is just not going to believe that your robotic rump smacker is responsible for all those bruises.

Oh shit, what if somebody who also owned the defecation stimulation stick above decided to let this machine do the job for them?