by Sasha Brown-Worsham

 

It’s almost impossible to tell just by looking at a guy how he is in bed, right? I mean, sure, we all have stereotypes — preppy men are boring, bigger men are big EVERYWHERE, etc. But the truth is, there is no real way to know how a guy is between the sheets until you get him there.

Even the most soft-spoken, sweet men can get wild behind closed doors. It turns out, though, that there ARE a few tricks for figuring out what it’s like to sleep with him before you actually do. Sex experts say there are some ways we can get subtle vibes of sexual compatibility if we know what to look for. Sex expert and Daily Mail writer Tracey Cox breaks it down into 13 things that can tell you what a man is like in bed …

He’s good in bed if …

1. He bites his nails:

“Nail-biters push themselves to the limits (hence the stress-busting biting habit) by pushing boundaries and going to extremes,” Cox says. REALLY?! Doesn’t that one seem counter-intuitive? Who knew? I’ve never been with a nail biter, but I’m curious now, indeed, and will likely never look at one in quite the same way again.

2. He’s bilingual:

“It implies intelligence and effort,” Cox says. Amen. Besides, hearing a guy speak another language is just HOT.

3. He owns a dog:

This one seems obvious, right? I mean, a man who loves a dog is about as endearing as it gets. “They’re used to putting others’ needs first,” Cox explains. We ALL know what that means in bed. Yes, ladies. Find yourself a dog lover, stat.

4. He’s not handsome:

Apparently unattractive guys work harder in bed. For obvious reasons. Now, I’ve heard the same about unattractive women being better in bed, and it seems like a horrible catch-22. Would you rather be ugly or bad in bed? I take issue with this one. But Cox says: “If he’s not terribly good-looking, he’s not inundated by women … so it’s likely he’ll spend time and effort keeping the ones that do happy.”

5. He’s got loopy handwriting:

Apparently the way a man makes his “y” is indicative of his prowess. A loopy “y” makes for a sexy guy. SO WEIRD.

6. He smells good:

This is one most of us could already glean. Sense of smell is a huge component in sexual attraction, and a man who smells great naturally to you is going to be more compatible with you in bed than one who turns you off. I have definitely found this to be true. Sometimes I smell the T-shirts my husband wears and get turned on by that alone. It’s biological.

7. He has good posture:

A man with good posture makes a good effort. And also: If he is standing “erect” … let’s just say it bodes well elsewhere. Know what I mean?

8. He talks with his hands:

I had a feeling about this one … Passionate men talk with their hands, right? Says Cox: “If he’s using big, sweeping, dramatic movements, it probably translates well into the bedroom … It usually means he’s imaginative and creative and will want sex to be a ‘production’.”

He’s bad in bed if …

9. He can’t vary his routine:

A guy who eats the same thing for lunch every day or refuses to vary his routine is not going to be all that stellar in bed. “If he hyperventilates when forced to catch the 6:05 rather than the 6:03, it’s a bit of a worry sexually,” Cox says.

10. He’s predictable:

If he isn’t ever full of surprises, “chances are, he makes love in exactly the same way, every single time (and don’t even think about moving an inch to the left or he’ll wonder what’s wrong),” she says. Yikes. Steer clear, right? Unless you are also predictable to a fault. In which case, good luck!

11. He’s obsessed with his friends:

Cox says this could mean he’ll need a lot of approval in bed, which can be really unsexy. But this one is also a red flag because while you don’t want a man with NO friends, you also want a guy who prioritizes YOU and puts YOU first. In bed and out.

12. He gets road rage:

This could imply impatience — a HORRIBLE trait in a lover. The same goes for slow, granny drivers. That over-caution will spill into all areas of his life. Boo. These two also seem like no-brainers. A man prone to road rage is scary in all sorts of ways.

13. His thumbs aren’t flexible:

Apparently, the ancient Chinese believed thumb flexibility was related to his spirit in bed. “If you can hardly pull his thumb away from the main body of the palm, he’s a straight, conservative lover. The further it flexes, the more bent he becomes,” Cox says. Who knew?!

OK, so I know the large majority of these are likely old wives’ tales. Do we really think a man’s thumbs will tell us how he is in bed? Still, there is often a reason for these theories, and some of them have some obvious basis in reality.

I am going to go test my husband’s thumbs right now. And I’ll never look at a man who stands up nice and straight the same way again.

———————————

Read more in The Stir

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.