Monkey Business: Vengeance is moms’

by Ifeanyi Dike Jr

After all, the fear of Mrs Dike is the beginning of wisdom.

The only truth I’ve known for sure since I got an inkling of the concept of crime and punishment is that my mother has my back. As a pre-schooler, I would cry inconsolably when someone upset me until my mom returned and it was worth it because each time, she gave it to the offender good, while I had my last laugh.

Over a decade later – nothing has changed. Provided mom is within reach, I know no fear, no matter how much the wolf huffs and puffs or threatens’ to blow my house down.

Last week for example, those darned traffic wardens on my way to school argued that I beat the red light even though I was certain I didn’t. Cars stifled to get off the road you see, causing some cars to lag behind on the free lane until the light turned red again. Drivers caught in the middle of this commotion and unwise enough to let them in their cars for ‘clarification’ ended up as scapegoats with whose miseries, they swelled their pockets. That day, I was unwise enough.

‘What did I do’? I asked.

‘Oga you dey ask, you run traffic light na’.

Of course all efforts to explain what had just happened fell on deaf ears. Quite simply, these men knew what had happened but for the sake of daily target, they apprehended people (especially ones that appeared vulnerable) regardless of their innocence. Each time we drove further, they’d ask me to stop and indirectly suggest that I bribed them.

‘If we reach office’ they’d say ‘na times two, you go pay o’. Imagine their frustration, when each time I said ‘let’s go, I didn’t do anything wrong’

They’d stop me again to inquire my race and why my hair is so curly, the kind of food I eat and wine I drink. ‘Can we just go to the office please’ I’d insist.

‘You just they prove strong head. I dey try help you. E be like say you no be from here’

‘I be, actually’ I answered ‘My mom is Benin; I’ll just call her so she can speak with you’

Mom knew the drill. I’ll call her to save me from the hands of Benin forces; she’d speak a little Benin and get me off the hook. This time however, she was ticked off; she had little tolerance for bullies.

‘Pay, whatever the fine is Junior, I’ll reimburse you. These people are bastards and I’ve told you not to be in the car alone. It’s convenient for intimidation’

Even their motto riled me up – ‘the police is your friend’ – a motto that had no apparent relevance other than giving oxymoron a new lease. It hurt them to see me pay the fine into the government’s account without a single kobo falling into their hands. In fact, I think they cried a little.

The week after, mom came into town for an unrelated visit. Fortunately, when we passed the road to my school, the same wardens from the other day were on duty, about to seize an offender. Leave it to Mrs Dike to make a scene in the presence of her enemies.

‘Drive off. Don’t respond’. She yelled and at the same time ordered me to drive round the roundabout a second time. Suddenly, we were in an Angelina Jolie action flick.

‘Mommy, if we go round the roundabout again, we’ll beat the traffic light’

‘Just drive’ she insisted.

You have to understand something; my mom has a flare for the dramatics. Nothing is ever simple.

The second drive around, she did not hesitate to tell them exactly how she felt, leaving them sufficiently shocked and maybe, a little traumatised.

The other day, the bus driver was beyond rude. All morning he played deaf to my questions. Answers to which I was entitled. He dropped us off miles from our usual stop, causing us to reach home in bad time. This of course, made mom mad.

Several days later, mom accompanied my sister to school. Having the driver at the park at that time could only have been Gods’ doing. She walked up to him – fearless as ever – ready for a confrontation.

I don’t know what she said to him, but each time he and those traffic wardens see us, they make way and they are smart to do so. After all, the fear of Mrs Dike is the beginning of wisdom.

Comments (9)

  1. This one just keeps. Making me laugh Sundays to Sundays. Very funnnnny articles. I like. Please follow me back on twitter love.

  2. This one just keeps. Making me laugh Sundays to Sundays. Very funnnnny articles. I like. Please follow me back on twitter love.

  3. Rolololololololo.is so my mum too. Will show her. U got to love mothers tho. Forever protective .nice write up.

  4. I love love love this article. This guy keeps making me laugh week to week. Keep it coming.

  5. For those of us that bear the strenght of mums' drama @ the back of our minds and how she always has the capacity to out do any situation, this is invigourating.

  6. Lol! Quite funny and interesting, my mum can make a public show of little things too…..that's why I try to almost never get into trouble. Nicely written.

  7. Aunty nneka, small small o. This stories are made up or exagerated and even if not, am a mummy's boy too. Nothing wrong there. I love the article. Keep it up junior

  8. Rubbish!!! Can't blv what I've just read. As in, you actually took your time to write this nonsense?! Just hope I'm not gonna get an earful from ur mum too… #Mommysboy!

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