by Meri Arnett-Kremian

Broaching intimate partner violence is tricky, particularly because you may be totally wrong about what’s happening.

Are you afraid that someone you care about is a victim of domestic abuse?

Maybe your friend seems afraid to confide in you like she used to. Perhaps your cousin’s husband seems controlling and doesn’t want her to spend time with anyone but him. Maybe your sister’s husband is intensely jealous, even though she’s never given him a reason to be insecure. These are all signs that she’s at risk for emotional or physical abuse.

So, what should you do if you think a friend or family member is being abused? How do you help without making things worse for her?

You’re in a difficult position. You’re concerned for her safety, but you’re also afraid that you’ll alienate her by raising questions about her partner’s unacceptable behavior. Despite these conflicting emotions, you still feel like you need to do something to intervene.

Here are some tips to support a loved one that is being abused:

1. Contact your local domestic violence resource center to educate yourself. Ask for information on the cycle of violence.

You should also ask for access to available community resources and advice for developing safety plans. That way, you’ll have specific information to offer her when the timing’s right.

2. Gently bring up the subject with your friend. Broaching intimate partner violence is tricky, particularly because you may be totally wrong about what’s happening.

But even if you’re right, no matter how gentle you are in approaching her, she may not appreciate your efforts. Some women mistake controlling tendencies like frequent check-ups as love.

She doesn’t associate his behavior with a dangerous need to be in control.  She might be convinced that, despite his flaws, she can’t live well without him.

3. Don’t criticize or bully her while trying to help. If she hasn’t confided that she’s unhappy or concerned about what you view as her spouse’s inappropriate behavior, proceed carefully so you don’t cause her to feel judged or misunderstood.

Don’t challenge or criticize her. If you’re right about her situation, she’s already experiencing more than enough criticism and bullying.

Instead of asking, “Why do you let him get away with this?” or complaining about how her partner acts toward her, it might be wiser to ask her what you can do to be of assistance to her.

If she seems receptive to these questions, tell her how concerned you are about her relationship. Reassure her that you are there to listen and remind her that help is available if she needs it.

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Read this article in Your Tango

 

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