5 ways you unknowingly sabotage your sex life
The authors of Stop Calling Him Honey and Start Having Sex show us that when our sex lives suffer, our relationships as a whole suffer, too.
In the beginning stages of coupledom, the idea of lackluster sex doesn’t even cross your mind. You can’t imagine the embers of your sex life going out because it is just so damn hot. And yet, it’s seems inevitable that a few years down the road… it does just that.
Getting rid of the bad habits and making room for the new, positive ones will naturally rekindle the flames, without having to force it or fake it. Before you know it, you will be hot for each other all over again. And who doesn’t want that? Below, we’ve listed 5 of the most common offenses many of us are guilty of.
Usually this starts with the all too familiar, “Hi Honey, I’m home!” Unfortunately, the use of pet names like “honey” and “sweetie” take away your individuality, your gender, and your sexuality with your partner. It may sound cute, but pet names just leads to a lot of cuddling and spooning, and not great sex. Be that one special person for him. Call each other by your names and notice how it hits your brain in a different place.
Mommy & Daddy Talk
Mommy/Daddy talk happens often with couples that have children together. They think it’s cute to start calling each other Mommy or Daddy (even at the pregnancy stage) but it will only muddy your roles. You are not a Mommy or a Daddy to each other— you are adult sexual partners. Being a parent is only part of who you are. Keep these distinctions separate, and you’re more likely to reboot your sexual chemistry.
Baby talk means you’ve gone from “honey” into the all-encompassing, “does pookie want a widdle bit of coochie?” If you are using pet names and baby talk you are setting yourselves up for a sexless future with your partner. Ask yourselves, did you really sign up for being roommates?
Words are very powerful. Especially when they are repeated day after day, month after month, and year after year. They can do serious damage to the way you view one another. Call each other by your names and constantly confirm to yourself and your partner that you are two separate individuals and not two “honeys.”
Wearing Too Much Clothing
…in bed, that is. How much easier is it to have sex when there is no clothing between you? Feeling each other’s skin every night is not only more sensual, but more intimate on many levels. Just think about how you were in the beginning when you first were sleeping together…did you wear a nightie and socks? And did he wear his old t-shirt and a ratty old pair of torn boxer shorts? Doubtful. So why do it now? Naked is always better.
Losing Your Identity Within The Relationship
Many of us have a hopeless romantic way of thinking about our partners. We think that once we’ve found “the one” we should be spending all of our time together, and that all of his likes and interests should also be our likes and interests. But that is when we lose our identity, and unfortunately, our sexuality as well. The reason you were excited by each other in the beginning was because you were different from one another. You spoke differently, you had different opinions, and you had different interests. Many of us make the mistake of becoming too alike when in a relationship. Frankly, how interesting is it when your partner simply becomes your “other half?” You should not seek to become two halves of a whole but rather, two whole, separate people that make a great team. This may not mean you always agree, but if you don’t have any disagreements, you are not being completely true to yourself. And the only way a relationship can last is when you are both honest with who you really are.
Maggie Arana and Julienne Davis are the authors of Stop Calling Him Honey and Start Having Sex.
Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.