by Kiri Blakeley

A woman’s temperature rises when she orgasms. If she’s still cool as a cucumber after having a seismic ‘gasm, she’s probably really thinking about the dirty dishes.

Hey, remember that famous scene in When Harry Met Sally … when Sally, played by Meg Ryan, decided to fake a huge orgasm in the middle of a restaurant to prove to Harry that he wouldn’t know the difference between a fake one and a real one? Haha. BEST. SCENE. EVER. I did always wonder what Dennis Quaid, Meg Ryan’s husband at the time, thought about it though. Was he all like, “Hey, wait just a gosh darn minute, that sounds familiar!”? Anyway, Billy Crystal went on Today and recounted how that famous fake orgasm scene came about (so to speak, har har).

It apparently was improvised by writer Nora Ephron, Billy, and Meg. Billy came up with the hysterical “I’ll have what she’s having” line. So how DO you know if a lady is faking? Here are seven signs she’s giving you the ol’ fakearoo.

1. Yelling and screaming.

Yeah, I know women who say they truly do yell and scream while orgasming, but c’mon, no one NEEDS to break the sound barrier during an orgasm. If your lady is, chances are she’s embellishing her performance for your ego.

2. Nothing contracts. 

Women have muscular contractions when they orgasm, so if things feel exactly the same down there when she orgasms as when she’s asleep, well, you might have yourself a faker.

3. She doesn’t heat up.

A woman’s temperature rises when she orgasms. If she’s still cool as a cucumber after having a seismic ‘gasm, she’s probably really thinking about the dirty dishes.

4. She doesn’t want oral sex. 

Most — not all — but most women can’t have purely vaginal orgasms. So if you think your Peter is doing the entire trick, she might be putting on a show.

5. She’s not breathing rapidly. 

Although this is a classic “sign” of not really having an orgasm, I’m not so sure it’s true. But I read it. So there.

6. She starts banging her hands on the headboard.

 Surefire sign of a faker.

7. You ask her a question mid-orgasm and her answer makes total sense.

Yeah, trust me, fellas, we can’t speak or think when the big O is legit.

Now, in truth, guys, every gal is different. If your lady is doing any of these things, please don’t accuse her of being a faker. (Except the headboard banger. She’s a total drama queen.) If you think your gal might be faking, there’s probably a reason. And it may not have anything to do with you or your performance.

Some women just have a really difficult time of it. And they don’t want to get into a huge discussion about it, so they’d rather fake it. Some women totally enjoy sex without orgasming. And some women are tired, stressed, or thinking about any of life’s myriad issues. Women can’t easily turn off our minds when we have sex. And our bodies are much more mercurial than a man’s. Sometimes, no matter how much we chase the big O, we just can’t catch it. It’s not our fault. It’s not your fault. It’s the fault of whoever made our bodies so complex! (Thanks, God!)

Don’t EVER ask a woman if she’s faking (she’ll just deny, deny, deny). Instead, ask something like, “What can I do to please you?” or “How do you like this?” or “Tell me what I can do here, or there.” Be polite and interested and non-judgmental. Ask if she’d like a vibrator or warming gel. Maybe she’d love a massage! Maybe she needs more nipple play or none at all.

And if it doesn’t happen, don’t worry. There’s always next time.

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