by Neil Bulson

Horny Goat Weed is a real thing. It’s an herb that’s been used for centuries in China to increase libido and cure erectile dysfunction by supposedly raising the levels of nitric oxide in your blood, which then relaxes muscles and somehow leads to boners. Okay fine, the technical name is Epimedium, but that’s no fun, and so everyone calls it Horny Goat Weed

For as long as man has been aware of that little thing dangling between his legs, he’s been willing to try just about anything to get it to stand up and say howdy. And while today that means that drug companies get rich pushing everything from boner pills to testosterone replacement therapies, there are some cheaper and shall we say, more esoteric, ways of making ol’ glory fly. And because we are both men of science and caring philanthropists, we bring you these, seven of the weirdest ways to increase your libido.

7. The Sun

Yes, just like Superman, dudes draw power from Earth’s yellow sun. Only instead of getting x-ray vision or the ability to fly, we get super boners, which is arguably the greatest of all superpowers. Studies have shown that just chilling in the sun for a little less than a half hour per day can increase your testosterone levels by over 100%. But if you really want to get the most, uh, bang for your buck, drop your drawers and let the sun shine on your little friend. Those same studies indicate that direct genital exposure to sunlight can increase your testosterone by up to 200%. Just don’t stay out too long, because not even the mightiest penis can make up for a blistered and sunburned dong. You don’t even wanna think about it peeling.

6. Sleep

Your body needs sleep to recharge, so it makes sense that things like testosterone would be increased by a good night’s sleep. Sure, it’s inconvenient and messes with your social life, but there are ways around it. Go to the beach and take a nap, or crash by the pool for a couple of hours, preferably naked. That way, when you wake up, the combo of sleep and sun will make you the Incredible Hulk of horniness. Just don’t blame us if the cops pick you up for sleeping in the nude in a public place and haul you off to jail with a giant boner. We’re scientists, not ethicists.

5. Bibliotherapry

Okay, fine, this is just a fancy word for reading. But it’s a thing that actually exists. Studies have been done that show that reading puts people in the mood. Take right now for instance. You’re reading this in between looking at pictures of Kate Upton in a bikini in zero gravity. And you’re going to end up feeling pretty damn good. Now, sure, some will say Kate has something to do with that, but you can’t say for certain that it wasn’t my seductive prose. You’re welcome, everyone. You’re welcome.

4. Watching Sports

What happens when you watch sports? You end up getting angry and smashing the shit out of your wife’s favorite vase like an out of control animal. This is because your testosterone and adrenaline levels get all amped up from all the sports goodness. See? You’re not an asshole, you’re just so horny you don’t even know what to do. Sure, it’s because you just got done watching a bunch of sweaty dudes slamming into each other for three hours, but you can deal with that later. Right now, you’ve got a boner to attend to.

3. Horny Goat Weed

I’ll give you a minute to stop laughing like Beavis. Horny Goat Weed is a real thing. It’s an herb that’s been used for centuries in China to increase libido and cure erectile dysfunction by supposedly raising the levels of nitric oxide in your blood, which then relaxes muscles and somehow leads to boners. Okay fine, the technical name is Epimedium, but that’s no fun, and so everyone calls it Horny Goat Weed because, well, it makes you horny. No, I don’t know where the goat part comes from and honestly, it’s best not to think too deeply about this. Some other names for this herb include – and I’m being dead serious about this – Bishop’s Hat, Fairy Wings, Rowdy Lamb Herb and Randy Beef Grass. And yes, I know those all sound like names of hipster marijuana strains – or a gay porn star in the case of Randy Beef Grass – but Horny Goat Weed is totally legal, and won’t lead to you starring in gay porn. Well, probably, anyway. I don’t know what you’re into.

2. Danger

If you’re really desperate to get things going in the land of the lost known as your sex life, you could do something drastic like jump out of an airplane, or wander in traffic in downtown Mogadishu while soldiers shoot at you. That’s because danger gets the adrenaline going, which makes endorphin and testosterone production shoot right up. Sure, you might end getting your penis blown off – and not in the good way – but before that happens, at least the two of you will be best friends again for a few glorious moments. How you handle it when your skydiving instructor awkwardly asks you why you got sprung during your tandem dive is up to you though. There’s only so much wisdom I have to give you.

1. Eat A Dick

No, I’m not insulting you. Calm down. I literally mean eat a dick. In Asia, a fairly common remedy for the ol’ boner blues is to sup upon the genitals of a mighty animal. Whether it’s a rare tiger’s penis, or the twig and berries of a bull made into a hearty soup, Eastern folklore swears that it will get you going. Sure, there’s no actual science behind it, and chances are you’ll just be some sadsack who ate a tiger’s dick because some weird old man in the streets of Bangkok said it was a good idea, but these are desperate times, and maybe, just maybe, eating Tigger’s penis will put you in the mood. You won’t know until you try.

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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.