by Adaobi Okwy

 

When did betrayals, flings and cheap sex become the map to the Treasure Island? You’re so fired.

Hey ladies, did you catch him cheating? Did you confront him? What did he say? Well, chances are, he used a line below. Thing is, like movie tropes, his excuse is so…cliché and you’d know after you go through this:

– It just happened. Like seriously? You were walking, tripped on a stone and fell into her? Puleez.

– She’s just a friend. Last I checked, I don’t send nudes to my friends so why is she doing that? Why do you read and delete her texts? Why does she call you at odd hours? And if she’s just a friend, we should also meet right?

– Don’t you trust me? Classic. Nope. Trust isn’t one-sided. You don’t become all cagey about this new woman, you don’t begin to get defensive every time she’s mentioned and you still talk trust. What are you? Her father? Brother? Then, we should (again) all meet. You know, one big happy family.

– I’ve never seen her before in my entire life. Really? Then, how does she have your number? Work address? Someone is messing with you right? Then how come she knows about your lactose intolerance and the fish-like birthmark you have…on your butt? Huh?

– I don’t love her. I love you. Were you loving me when you were chasing her down? Sneaking behind my back with her? Were you thinking of me when you were doing her? Really… ni__ar!?

– It was the devil. “Give me a break!” Screams the devil.

– You are cheating on me, aren’t you? You see, I know you answered my question with a question for two reasons: A) Cheaters think everyone else is cheating and B) Cheaters always want to deflate attention. So now, answer the damn question!

– I didn’t send that message. Why always you, huh? The lady who has been calling you, always dials the wrong number whenever am within earshot and the emails and texts are from hackers who keep targeting you. Hmm…

– You like drama. Actually I do. When my man is lying through his teeth, is now half attentive and very secretive…yes, I put on my drama uniform, and activate my spy robots.

– There was something missing. Really Judas? You want to go with that? Cos the only thing I can think of is thirty pieces of silver! If something was missing, why didn’t you try to find it with me? Why didn’t you open up to me? When did betrayals, flings and cheap sex become the map to the Treasure Island? You’re so fired.

– I didn’t know what I was doing, I swear. Uh…the texts or the sexting or the hide and seek or the…just get out.

– I still love you and want us to try again. No babe. I don’t still love you and I don’t want us to try again. I deserve better. Okay then. Bye forever cos we would never ever get back together!

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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.