by Aguiyi Ironsi

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”

So I was trying to learn big English today, so I could go bully my grandfather who called for me to come home because he had an arthritic shoulder.

I was feeling very inadequate because my supervisor at the clinic had rendered me erectile “dyfunctionate” (no shelling, I know it’s dysfunctional), due to her very nice way of calling me a blockhead. This spurred me into wanting to impress grandpa, even more. I couldn’t leave anything to chance.

So in my quest for knowledge I came across a word called “imponderable”, and according to the quack dictionary on my quack android phone, it means something difficult or impossible to evaluate or answer.

So I got to thinking, there’s a bunch of questions I’ve never been able to answer, hence my list of imponderables – questions I’ve never been able to answer:

*Why exactly does PHCN “take light” (nobody has been able to answer this question)?

*What exactly is wrong with sex? Why does it seem to be the epicenter of everybody’s focus?

*Why is it that if things have any tendency to go wrong, it is the one thing that would cause the most mess, that goes wrong?

*Why do I choose to remember irrelevant things “verbatim”, and things I actually need, I am bereft of their memory?

*Why do people keep opening the fridge to meet something they did not put there?

* If the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

* If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

* If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

* Why do they call them “hemorrhoids” instead of “asteroids”? This one’s for the clever at heart.

* Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

* If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?

* If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

* If there really is blood money, how come no Nigerian is richer than Bill Gates and why don’t they use those inmates on death row to do blood money instead of wasting their lives?

*If there really is “jazz”, why haven’t juju-men  found the cure to aids and cancer?

*If Psychics really do exist, how come they don’t play the lottery and win the jack pot every day?

A lot of these questions bug me though couldn’t remember them all, some really embarrass me, for example:

*Why do I get an erection when I’m on a commercial bike and the rider’s gluteus is touching my phallus (does this mean I’m queer)?

*And why exactly does being pressed get extremely unbearable immediately you see the toilet bowl?

Feel free to add to this list of imponderables. Cheers!

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Aguiyi ironsi is a short black boy who is over compensated with personality anomaly different from the crowd, loves associating himself with technology, watching TV and basically lounging.

30 Days, 30 Voices series is an opportunity for young Nigerians from across the world to share their stories and experiences – creating a meeting point where our common humanity is explored.

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.