by Stanley Azuakola

The spokesman of Heineken (the beer) revealed in a statement that: He’s an asset of inestimable value, because it’s only a man high on beer who can sponsor such a bill.”

Heineken signs Senator Heineken

After President Goodluck, the life of another prominent figure from Bayelsa State is proving that a man’s name opens or closes doors for him. Nigerians are aware of how the name “Goodluck” catapulted Nigeria’s president from the creeks to Aso Rock. Now, it’s the turn of Senator Heineken Lokpobiri.

The Senator, who sponsored a bill in the senate last week, seeking to effectively hinder the ability of unions to embark on strike actions, was recently visited by unusual favour, as Heineken beer signed him up as a “beer ambassador.” The spokesman of Heineken (the beer) revealed in a statement that: “It was a really easy decision to sign up Sen. Heineken. It wasn’t just because he’s our namesake. He’s an asset of inestimable value, because it’s only a man high on beer who can sponsor such a bill.”

Innovation boom in MDAs

Contrary to the views of some critics, the recent music talent hunt show organised by the State Security Service (SSS) wasn’t a misplaced priority, but is part of an innovative strategy by Ministries, Departments and Agencies (MDAs) of government to diversify the nation’s economy.

Information Minister, Labaran Maku, told news men that MDAs have finalised plans to hearken to the transformation message of the president and diversify operations. Hence, he said, the CBN would diversify into a philanthropic/donor agency, the Security and Exchange Commission (SEC) into a soft sell/gossip magazine, the police force into a fashion house with specialty in camouflage, and the NNPC into a lottery agency. 

Nigerians miss Obasanjo

Barely a week after ex-president Olusegun Obasanjo celebrated his 75th birthday, a sea of Nigerians thronged his Ota residence to apologise for rejecting his third term offer. First to speak were comedians who lamented that since Obasanjo left Aso Rock, business has nose-dived as there’s nobody so harsh to the eyes that they can “yab at will and get paid doing it.” Makers of Baba Blue, Vicks, lamented that they missed his croaked voice which used to remind them of the enormity of the task and spur them to work harder to ensure that no other person lives with that condition.

Also present were terrorists and militants who said they missed someone who would at least give them a good fight. The EFCC on its part confessed that they wished he could return if only to make them a little relevant again, even if it was only to fight his many enemies.

The only notable absentees were members of the Association of Professional Praise Singers who said they didn’t miss Obasanjo because even though they had it good with him, business was now booming more than ever before. They said they couldn’t join the protest because they were busy at the new Goodluck Jonathan district praising FCT minister Bala Mohammed for praising President Goodluck.

CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK

Today we consider three truisms.

Truism 1: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Ask Herman Hembe, the House Committee chairman on Capital Markets, and he’ll tell you so. The man somehow managed to bring out the sting in Arunma Oteh, the delectable and usually delicate head of the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) in a two-day mudslinging contest they called a committee hearing.

Truism 2: He who lives in a glass house does not throw stones. Here’s what A Pinch…thinks about the whole episode so far. Oteh’s queries as regards Hembe’s credibility and impartiality are legitimate. But so are Hembe’s queries as regards Oteh’s profligacy and irresponsibility. The both of them are playing a high stakes game of Russian roulette. Unfortunately, it’s clear from their body language that their only aim is to play to the gallery and wage a propaganda battle. A Pinch has no time for such nonsense. Let’s make an early prediction: This would go the way all the charades before it had gone –nothing worthwhile would result.

That’s why Truism 3 is the most important of all: Arunma Oteh and Herman Hembe are clowns. They jointly pick the CeeCee this week.

Follow A Pinch…on twitter @stanleyazuakola