by Blessing Iyamadiken

Love was…

Growing up, I wanted a certain degree of love and affection, one that wasn’t just about school fees being paid, or about being fed or housed, as these are the normal things that any child should have. I wanted more, more love, more affection, but most importantly, I wanted peace in my home. I wanted to look forward to coming back home every evening when the school day ended. But, I couldn’t because the close of day meant that night would soon be here and some sort of argument was going to ensue between mum and dad. I really wished they would stop those fights and pay closer attention to us their children whose little hearts they were ripping apart piece by piece. I hated that father found every single reason to call mother names, I hated that mother wouldn’t let the matter rest, I hated that they both poured their aggression on us, I hated that neighbors and relatives would come in to settle the fights. And most nights, as I lay down to sleep amidst the noise coming from a fight in the parlor, hot tears would flow freely. I was a sad child, looking for love, and soon I found it.

Love was Junior. Junior was a member of my church, and I met him in Sunday school class. I was 13 and he was 15, we were both in SS2 at our different schools. He was the best listener in the world. I who hated attending church service soon looked forward to it every Sunday. Junior’s parents lived outside the country, and so, he stayed with his grandmother in Ikeja. There was no love lost between him and his grandma and so, we were the perfect fit. Two souls grasping at the straws of love they could find. Soon, I could care less about the fights at home. Days would come when we would sneak out of class but come back just in time before “The Grace” was shared, and on those times, we would just talk, laugh, hold hands and stare at each other. This continued for more than a year and soon, he was my best friend. On one of those days, he gave me my first kiss, and I remember how shocked I was. I never knew anything could be that beautiful, but I was scared I had sinned and so I prayed that night for forgiveness. My joy was however to be cut short when Junior announced that he was joining his parents abroad. It was as though my world had crumbled. When he left, I was beside myself, but not for long. I soon found love again.

Love was Kola. I was 16 and just getting into medical school at University of Lagos, he was 19, and in one of those private universities. We had actually been classmates in senior secondary school as we attended the same school. He had been one of the happening guys in secondary school, and so when I told my friend Sandy that Kola was asking me out, she gave me the go ahead, which was all the permission I needed. He was jovial, funny, and had the face of a god. He was so handsome, the kind of handsomeness that could tempt you to lick his face. I loved spending my days with him, and though he wasn’t such a good kisser as he was very rough and would leave my lips bleeding at times, I didn’t mind because, I needed to be with somebody. I craved the care, the laughter, those were the little joys I couldn’t get from anybody else. We were more than a year into the relationship and I knew I couldn’t have made a better choice. So the day he texted me saying, “I think we should forget about everything between us and be friends that talk”, that day, I died many deaths. Later, I found out that he had been dating my friend, Rose, who was also in his school, but I hadn’t known and so when I got back on holiday and went visiting her, I told her about Kola that was my man, my everything. That was the beginning of our end.

Love was Fola, a final year medical student. He was 25, I was 19 and struggling with medical school. I had just been asked to repeat 200 level. I had always admired everything about him from afar. His dress sense, his sense of humor, everything about him was spot on. So that day when he introduced himself saying “I am Fola”, and he went on to ask for my number, I happily gave him. Soon we went on a date, we got closer and started the beginning of what I would term a “situationship”. I craved love and attention. Home was falling apart because of my result and I needed someone who would tell me that everything was going to be okay. I had lost most of my friends because I was repeating, and so Fola was everything to me. Fola’s problem though, was that I was a virgin. In his words, he never prayed to come across them (virgins) because they were so much trouble. We would meet in his room for make out sessions which would end abruptly because it was too hard to get inside of me. I would cry when I got to my room because this meant losing somebody who was my rock. I tried to make up in other ways by cooking for him, calling him etc. Fola also made sure I read, he was preparing for his final year exams and he would remind me that I was repeating and could not afford to be withdrawn if I failed. He was my support and I wanted him to be proud of me so I put in a lot of sweat to prepping for the exams.

Soon after my repeat exams, I asked Fola if he loved me, and told him that this thing between us needed to be defined. And he said, “We are supposed to be Blessing and Fola, but that hasn’t stopped us from having fun”. That was when I knew that he was playing around, and all the rumors about him and other girls were true. But what was I expecting? After all, I was not giving him sex. Soon enough, the results were released, I failed and I was withdrawn. Fola passed his exams and became a medical doctor. He celebrated it with his friends and new girlfriend who he kissed in my presence. One of his friends later told me “He said you are more like a pest and disturb him unnecessarily with phone calls that he has to switch off his phone at times”. Altogether, being withdrawn from school, seeing Fola with his new girl, hearing his friend tell me everything Fola told him about us, it was just too much to handle. My love had set sail and I wasn’t getting it back.

But soon, love became Ella, my friend whom I had been repeating with. She had passed on to the next level while I was withdrawn. I never knew love could be that simple, not causing the slightest pain, but making you stronger, staying true to you in your time of need. When the results were released we shed buckets of tears that night, because we had prepared together. She showed me that water could be as thick as blood. She would join me on my lonely midnight walks round school and try her best to make me laugh, but if only laughter could bring back the number of years I had wasted in medical school. When one day she met me crying and after probing further, I told her I needed money to pay the fees for something quite trivial, and she gave me her school fees, I knew there was no greater love. And those days when I could only think about suicide, her words gave me reason to hope.

Soon love became my family, who I tried to run away from all these years. After a while, I had to go home and face my parents and the realities of my withdrawal from school. Love became my parents who took me back and helped to process my transfer to another course. Love was the smile on my mother’s face each time she told me everything was going to be fine. Love was when my father said, “I am happy for you”, when I told him I had completed my transfer into Psychology department after one year of staying at home. There I learnt, that though my family may have had its deep failings, there are few people who would stand by me in times of trouble like they would.

 

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Blessing is a 20 years old student of the University of Lagos

This entry was submitted as part of the Nigerian Voices competition organized by YNaija.com.

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