Whatever goes into the Pensive, comes out blunt.
Whatever goes into the Pensive, comes out blunt.
Most people who know me would know that I am an okada freak. My love for bikes is synonymous with my hatred for traffic. And so I bike away. I can afford to practice Nigerian time because I know within the slated hour; I would be at my destination- traffic or no traffic; Even better when there’s none. That’s the immense power of bikes. They don’t call it ‘Power bike’ for nothing. But then, my addiction to this mode of transportation grew as fast as that of a junkie to his drugs. For no reason at all, I would board a bike…even to short-routed destinations. Speed became an item for me as well. I think Airtel took their new ad campaign slogan right out of my head (I should remember to sue later) – ‘Speed is an attitude’ because to me, it became one. when I’m atop a bike, I like to feel like I am James Bond the Female, I position both arms like I’m holding a gun- and it doesn’t help that I watch movies a lot or love video games because then also, the world turns into this movie-land I live in or a game in which I’m the villain and need to win. I love the way the bikes cut through tiny spaces in between cars or try to overtake a fast car- to me it’s all a challenge in the game or a scene in a movie. (I need deliverance, I know). I have considered getting a car of my own. Oh Yes I have. But the thought, once again, of being suspended in traffic has kept it out of reach. This is the kind of prayer that is presented at the altar of MFM, ‘Every stumbling block (okada) to my car should be removed’. In my case, ‘Errrr…hold on Lord. Save Nigeria from Traffic first” *adjusts halo*
And so my infatuation for this machinery kept growing and so far nothing I have been told by my friends and loved ones have changed anything; every advice falling on deaf ears. I’ve been told all and sundry of bike mishaps. I have been asked on several occasions “have you been to Igbogbi?”, I have seen with my own eyes first hand encounter of bike accidents but none has moved me until I alighted from the bike I took all the way from Gbagada to Lekki phase 1 on that fateful day, as they say.
It took all might and power, as well as divine intervention (literally with the presence of the clergy) to convince the police that the on-coming car didn’t hit the okada man, now sprawled on the road convulsing. Apparently, the okada man is epileptic, as we gathered later, and was undergoing one of his occurring episodes as he was making a U-turn at the Lekki gate.
That gave me the entire shocker I needed and different questions posed itself in my mind. “What if he was on the express, perhaps the third mainland bridge, on high speed and he happened to have an episode?”
Worse, what if I was on a bike that the rider is epileptic? Tufikwa! God- forbid. I felt shivers run down my spine as I watched the man on the floor shaking uncontrollably, the security men trying hard to get him off the centre of the road to a safer place. From what I also gathered, most of his ‘friends’ or should I say colleagues didn’t even know he was epileptic and the few who knew, had ceaselessly warned him to abstain from bike riding and venture into something else productive.
It’s not an unknown fact that epilepsy is a dangerous ailment. Unlike any other ailment, epilepsy is pretty dangerous not just to people around but to the victim most especially because episodes can occur at anytime. And I mean anytime. It could be while brewing coffee or plugging a switch, or changing an electric phase, or cooking or driving or while bathing- Anytime. It doesn’t help that most do not know what triggers theirs- like the case of the illiterate okada man who probably doesn’t know what he is suffering from.
Another case is of those who know what they are suffering from but are too ashamed to confide in a friend or someone who isn’t family. If you remember the ad which was creating awareness on the ignorance of epilepsy giving an example of such a case where this girl, who is epileptic, didn’t include it in her employment details, only to be at an office function and she had an episode, only for her colleagues to think she was dancing L (it seemed funny at first but it really isn’t).
I really don’t see the shame in telling your friend you are epileptic, I mean everyone’s making their ailment cool these days. It’s almost like if you don’t have an ailment, you are missing out. So why choose to die alone? The closest person to you can be your saviour when you suddenly start having your seizure attacks.
More so, if you are epileptic, I want to oblige you to take an adventure trip and discover what triggers yours so as to avoid occurrences especially at odd times. And please visit your doctor to give you medication necessary, though it can’t be cured, it can be controlled to a certain level.
As for me, whether I would stop riding bikes or not, I really do not know, what I’m sure of is, I make a conscious effort to ask each bike men if they are sick.
Today must really be a good day bacause depite the fact that traffic shut down major routes in lagos and i still got by it without hassle or getting pissed, i took my time to read a broadcast message….that never happens! and i must say, this should be the funniest broadcast message i have read in a while…how many people got this BC? well for those of you who haven’t yet or have programmed your minds like me not to pay attention to any, here it is below
Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all … “Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice. “Idiot”, she barked, “I dropped you off!”
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”
She retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car.”
We have all watched and waited and secretly hoped for this moment to come.
Nigeria’s biggest reality show came to an end on Valentine’s day 2012 after much wait as Nigerian sat and watched as the lives of some selected few were put to play for our pleasure viewing.
Right from his young age, Tuface had traded his life and privacy for fortune and fame and that was when his solo
reality show Career kicked off. he realised he could sing and took a jump at it. Along the line he met a young man as well who could sing and together they formed a group called Plantashun Boiz. they made waves across and toured round the country delighting us all with their eccentric vocals..
they were two, later became three when a new member joined the group and together they became a very strong band that didn’t go by unnoticed in the industry, sharing so many things in common including the word ‘face’.
Run by a couple of years, and the bond started to break. one went solo, the other two then followed and before we could say their names collectively, they had split for good. and we were back to seeing and hearing from only Tuface once again. his Solo career was officially launched with his hit single African queen’ in which he featured his newly acquired girlfriend Annie Macaulay. prior to this, he constantly made the news with stories of his promiscuity and his ambition to be the father of all nations. Literally. and so far, that ambition is taking its course.
but then, that was also when little miss Annie was brought into the picture to join her fellow house-mates and we all welcomed her gladly, adding more cheese to our popcorns to continue watching, appreciating the new twist to the show.
And as expected this created a lot of drama. beautiful drama you would say, if you include the incessant fight in clubs and public places over the bloke. and then the inevitable happened. Annie Macaulay took in………………………. Annie Macaulay became pregnant for Tuface’s ‘number-what-at-that-time’ Child. spectators as we were and in thirst for more, we expected she would terminate the pregnancy haven taken in out of wed lock and in a relationship where her unborn child should she decide to have it, already had stepsisters/brothers waiting for him/her. but no, she even went as far to fight for it during an incident where she almost lost her life in a car accident.
and it went on, she had her, named her Isabella and the pretty daughter was welcomed as well into the show.
fast forward 13 years, more kids to Tuface’s elbow and more drama later, Tuface decided it was time to bring the show to and end and make his pick of the woman who would eventually inherit his fortune and be made sole and legal queen and of course winner of the reality show.
February 14 was the set date. Club 10 was the set destination for where the news will be announced and on one knee, in the midst of friends, he proposed to Annie Macaulay, his long time thick rubbered-odieshi-no nonsense taker-I’ve got him locked down- girlfriend of thirteen years and the mother of his daughter. Dear Lord, who can wait this long? she deservers an award not just a wedding ring.
though ended, the show is just beginning as we transit into another level of the show. stay very tuned as drama takes a new twist in the all new reality show, ‘Tuface’s New (extended) family…and other women’
Two questions are playing on my mind as regards this happening Though;.
1. What becomes of his other women? and 2. Why were twitter wannabe celebs hitting their heads on the wall over the news?
Apparently, twitter went viral after the news of the engagement broke and most were in total angst with the artiste’s decision. i couldn’t make out what exactly the furry was for or of, but scathingly most didn’t think Annie should have been picked. As to why they thought so still remains a mystery, though most thought Pero, the mother with the highest number of kids for him should have been picked instead, it just goes on to say people will make other people’s quanta their headache!
lemme know what you think.
Since their debut in 2002, the BOKOs, Nigeria’s hottest terrorists’ band has been churning out hits after hits. Last year, they released three singles which are, ‘Goodbye UN Building Abuja’, ‘Bomb da Policeman’, and ‘Pray and Die’ which they performed simultaneously in Yobe and Bauchi states. The Bokos also released another hit in December titled, ‘He Was Born to Die’. The song caused ripples in still waters as observers called for a halt to their kind of music. The people that seem to enjoy this band are the northern leaders who seem to keep mute about their operations
There are speculations that the Bokos are in collaboration with the Al-Qs, an internationally recognised terrorist band who seem to be losing it on the terrorism milieu. the Al-Qs have suffered low patronage since the failure of their second ‘hit’ track; ‘America one more time‘ which was supposed to be a sequel to their ‘Falling world trade centre‘ single. Industry analysts have pointed out two reasons why the Al-Qs have failed so far.
First, they hired an inexperienced Nigerian marketer and second, their Founder/Executive Producer Osama ‘The B’ Laden was killed last year by the CEO of Wipe Terrorism Records, Barack Obama O
Because of these reasons, the Bokos have topped the BillBoard terrorist Charts, outpacing the Al-Qs and the Talis. They’ve also received the Yemeni Awards (Yemmys) for the ‘Best New Act’ Category.
But on November last year, something remarkable happened to their studio- it exploded killing the artists at once.
Truly, the boko haram sect are the most confused group i have ever seen. some say they are factions within the organisation which explains their diverse aims. well so far we are of three; one faction is focused on wiping away western education and this is where i shall lay emphasis.
Boko Haram means ‘Western Education is Sin’ in Hausa dialect. We are yet to know why they think that way but if they stand true to their word, then they are the dumbest group of individuaals in the solar system.
We owe western education a lot because through it we can understand the basics of comfortable living. Take for instance clothing and shelter, if the Boko Haram sect think that western education which has so far introduced comfortable shelter and dressing, is a sin then they should appear as cavemen in animal skin and clubs (instead of bombs) and urge, i mean force, Nigerians to do same. For Shelter, well, mud houses are ideal for them as that’s one feature that is rampant in northern Nigeria.
if they think western education is sin, why then bomb the UN building in Abuja and the Force headquarters? or kill the residents in Kano, Yenegoa and Kogi? these institutions and people (especially the innocent lives that were lost) have nothing to do with education.
Killing Muslim faithfuls and Christians alike is no way to promote their insane crusade. Since the Nigerian police and the army have found it difficult to put a dent to their operations or better still put a stop to it, maybe we can recruit the bad guys from the creeks, yes those faceless dudes on speed boats with weapons the army, police and JFK have never seen in their lives.
The BOKOS- Boko Haram
Al-Qs- Al- Quedas
The policeman and Crowd management
Is it just me or did any other person find the performance by our able policemen a tad impressive? Aside of course for the trigger happy policeman who unfortunately took the life of a young kid but was fed with his own poison. The police wowed their critics by managing to keep the throng at Ojota safe and out of trouble and in place, successfully bringing about a ‘peaceful protest’.
The Concert Protest
On Monday the 9th of January, NLC declared a nation-wide strike following the removal of fuel subsidy and the ridiculous increment in commodities. The youths in their numbers took to the street to protest, with the slogan #OccupyNigeria, aiming to persuade the government to reconsider their actions.
The first day went as planned, peaceful and voices heard. The second day was fairly good as well with an additional masses turnout to the previous crowd. The third day was when the whole wahala started. Like the saying goes, too much of everything isn’t good. In this case, I don’t know which was too much, either ways, it wasn’t a protest anymore. It became a peace concert.
Campaign musicians and Publicity Stunts
With the perfect location and the perfect crowd, the radar beeped at the heroes houses, alerting them of a possible publicity attraction that will better their various artistes. And so they set out. Venue: Gani Fawehinmi Park, Their aim, absolutely nothing to do with that of the protest. Artistes that had gone into extinction crawled out of their caves, to find recognition again; turning the protest into a joke. Obesere? You gotta be kidding me. And how does Skuki’s singing about ‘Bangers and Champagne’ change the corrupt Nigerian System? Did Seun Kuti just realise his father left an advocacy legacy behind and after all these years decide to take it up or was it just a coy to get the throng to the shrine at the end?
As if that wasn’t enough, Dbanj who supposedly sang the praises of President Jonathan during his Campaign trail, publicly denied him (maybe 3 times like Peter did) and still had the effrontery to turn up at the concert, scratch that, protest but not without a fight as Eedris Abdulkarem, who also came to revive his comatose state musical career, attacked him evenly. Who won’t vex? After all the money mschew. Nigerians needed a ‘Scapegoat’ to vent their anger and frustrations as always, but this time, Dbanj offered himself as one. What are the lyrics to that song of his again?
Pastoral Political Ambition (PPA)
Needless to say that the sudden interest and diversion from the spiritual calling to politics has indeed become a trend in Nigeria; Starting with Okotie who singlehandedly divided the red sea for the rest to follow. Now Pastor Tunde Bakare, still fuming over his loss at the last election saw a great opportunity to fuel his political ambition once again and took it, turning the angry youth more against their leader and unto him instead. I do not stand to judge as some claimed that as a spiritual man, he came out to represent. Na una sabi. All I’m saying is, these so called men of God, seem to take the most important passage in the bible literally, ‘You cannot serve two gods at the same time. It’s either one or the other’. I rest my case.
The wiser elderly
May I ask, o ye angry youth. It is true that this is our generation and it is our job to defend it for the sake of the next generation but alas, where are the people of the previous generation who apparently destroyed ours and why are they suddenly quiet? Are they taking heed to the saying, ‘Silence is golden and only for fools’?
We are in a democratic regime of governance. We can now exercise our human rights as citizens of Nigeria but does that involve publicly mocking the wife of the president or the President himself? All through the year, we have seen different people; media and industries ridicule the President’s soft heart and his wife’s inability to communicate in stable English. No matter what he does/did/will do, he remains the President of Nigeria and should be respected as that until your rights impeach him. This current situation gave even the less the audacity to rubbish the President and his household. Lest we forget when Donald Trump was against President Obama concerning his American Citizenship and came out publicly to oppose it, in all his statement, he didn’t fail to recognize that as at that moment til whatever happens, should he win, he remains ‘President’ Obama. But in our country, even men of God and other supposed important personalities came out to spite the president. Someone even called him a ‘goat’. What message are they passing to the youth? Those continuously calling President Jonathan ‘Soft’ though, when he, a man, decides to be ‘strong’ (especially with a nagging wife who I’m sure constantly calls his attention to the teasing of the people towards her) the people will suffer o. we have started seeing it already- subsidy removal. It will shock you that this subsidy removal is all about Patience. No man likes to see his wife been teased.
Finally, where is the Vice President? (50marks)
“Happy New Year!!!”
That was what we all stayed up waiting to shout, in our various ways and venues, be it In church or party, with a kiss or a hug, for one moment, wanting to forget our troubles and fears much less that of our country Nigeria and impending terrorist, Boko Haram issues, only to be all bombed by one who heads us.
Nigeria was ushered into the New Year with news of the removal of fuel subsidy. Talk about the perfect New Year gift, indeed too. Maybe not a perfect timing; this is one gift you’d have wanted in the middle of the year. It can wait, and so can we.
Funny how the decision of fuel subsidy removal seems to take a seasonal twist though; we were first alerted of the impending decision early December saying it would be taken off on April first. Quite an irony but it worked out pretty well and not as a joke for Nigerians as they worked towards the set time; I for one saw my family preparing for ‘rainy days’. Everything that had been perceived would be on the increase by then were being purchased. Only to be announced of its removal on TV January first.
Christmas, New Year, Easter/April’s fools day. Hmmm…
Anyway, I’m not going to seize the opportunity to satisfy people by saying whether I’m for or against the Fuel subsidy removal. I’ve always been liberal in cases like election and politics and it applies to this too. all I do is throw my opinion out to pass by with the wind. I would however say that this would have a great positive effect in the future and would come to be of benefit to us should we exercise patience and should the government be true to their words and use it wisely. What I would however protest against is the sudden abruptness of the news and how it was dumped on our laps like an unwanted baby with no means to look after it. Such decisions aren’t made in haste. I mean what’s the rush? The April timing was perfect. The government would have seized the opportunity enlighten its masses about the topic because some people are protesting ignorantly. They don’t even know what fuel subsidy is much less why it’s been removed.
The whole world knows that Nigeria removed it subsidy, but little do people know that Ghana (and several neighbouring countries) did as well until Dieziani Allison-Maduekwe announced it on TV. Why? Because the government took its time to make its masses comfortable so that the increment in prices won’t affect the average or the poor Ghanaian
No one is saying they should not remove the subsidy but the provision of basic amenities should have been put in place before taking such actions. Everyone’s blaming Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala for bringing up the idea, I don’t. She was only doing her job as she was assigned to. I blame the people whose jobs are to advice President Goodluck Jonathan on the implementation of such amenities. Isn’t that why they are there?
Peradventure Nigeria had constant electricity, or an effective transportation system or what-have-yous, or the government had been advised on this and the masses had been lectured on what fuel subsidy is, its effect, its negative impacts and reactions before they decided to take it off, Nigeria would have lesser problems on their plates.
The aim, in minor terms, was to at least enable the impoverished in the society a better living. I met up coincidentally with some supposed ‘impoverished’ and they had a difference of opinion. The first was a bike I boarded and asked for the charge and he said double the price and I hesitated a bit before boarding. He noticed and by default, began to explain that it was because of the removal of subsidy. It so turned out he was against the whole arrangement and would rather the government take back their decision but what was weird was that it wasn’t in his interest or that of the impoverished but of his belief that the world is fast coming to an end, though he didn’t fail to mention the reason for the confirmation of his belief because President Goodluck Jonathan doesn’t know what he’s doing. another, however was my stylist who was backing the government full force and believed the people out there protesting, in his words, were just “ignorant, naive and greedy people” . only again to be greeted by my plumber later that evening with his newly bought Honda car. who are the average poor ones again?
anyway, how does this affect my new year resolutions? i was at my parent’s for Christmas and made sure I ate well last, peradventure the subsidy eventually gets removed mid-year and as prospective spinsters (my room mate and I), we start subsidizing things e.g food and the likes. my thoughts. but then i overdid it and it led me to construct a resolution to visit the gym while it was still ‘cheap’.
Yeah, my thoughts too. apparently, there’s no more gym on that list. push-ups in your bedroom never did cost a fortune , did it? Such beauty, its realisation.
Happy Subsidizing People
P.s tell me your subsidy stories!
its the New Year in a couple of hours for China and apparently, the whole world was awoken not by that merry news but to the News of an epidemic hitting china today.
China has reported its first case of bird flu for 18 months, in the major southern city of Shenzhen. Preliminary tests on a 39-year-old man admitted to hospital with pneumonia proved positive for the virus and died a couple of minutes ago. isn’t it unfortunate that he didn’t make it into 2012
Postive tests on a dead market chicken last week prompted nearby Hong Kong’s government to issue an alert. The island’s authorities culled 17,000 chickens after three birds were confirmed to have died from the H5N1 bird flu strain. It also banned imports and the sale of live chickens for three weeks after the infected chicken carcass was found at a wholesale market.
Pause! let me ask, I hope we don’t import the chicken we consume? I mean the live ones? because Nigerians will import regardless. you wanna spoil market for them? take the Chicken to MFM and pray the flu away! since they have a reputation for detecting demonic scotch egg.
on a serious note, if at all its being imported, chances of it spreading across Africa is pretty high, and the World Health Organization has expressed deep concern about the way research was being carried out on the H5N1 virus, which can be fatal if transmitted to humans.
Scientists in the Netherlands and the US said last week they had discovered ways in which the virus might mutate so it can spread more easily to – and between – humans and other mammals. The US government has asked the scientists not to publish full details, in case the information is used to produce a biological weapon. typical of them innit?
So before you eat that chicken, take a minute, reminisce, it isn’t really such a bad idea being a vegetarian like me
My Mom always said, never watch a movie literally. Even though I know she was throwing a SUB at me being that I love watching movies, she addressed the children. But as time went by, I began to realise what she meant and saw that there was indeed more to a movie that concerned life itself than what we naively watched.
The movie In Time showcases a set of people who woke up one morning to find their life counting down to the end of the clock. Depending on how much time they had, they would all die one day, when the time ran out, not necessarily at an old age, abruptly.
Ok I’m speaking in fairy tales, let’s fast forward to reality. It’s December, the world aids month (yes it’s not over yet even though we have just today left). Now a lot of people have given Christmas sex and will give New year’s as well to that special someone they love or lust after or Set P with or….the list goes on, on the reason why most people shag but you get the point. Lest we forget, which we have, the Hiv/Aids disease is still out there.
For facts sake, over a million people possess the virus and the epidemic is still wide spread. Most people that walk on the street, our friends close by, sometimes, our shag mates, are all walking with a timer on their hands, counting down, and they in turn waiting to drop dead. They are healthy so we can’t tell from appearance at most times, the popular saying, ‘e no dey show for face’, they don’t have placards on their faces either saying, ‘Hi, I’m Hiv Positive’ or ‘hi I’ve got Aids’
For fear’s sake, most people don’t even know they have the virus. They ignorantly have sex without protection, considering less the possibility of acquiring the disease. Hello! It doesn’t give a notification like your blackberry does when you have a new message. And so they acquire it and go about sharing their new gift.
For reality’s sake, let’s cut the crap and stop playing naïve and feigning ignorance, endangering our lives and that of others, unbeknown. Go get tested today, before you enter the New Year, or let it be your New Year resolution to. Because whether we want to accept it or not, most of us, especially the ones who like to boast about sexual intercourse, are walking corpses, with a timer on their hands waiting for the moment when it will run out and life will be sucked out of them.
Good thing is you can add more time to that timer of yours, like they did in the movie by their handwork, but, by figuring out your status and getting treatment for it as soon as you can and start living on your meds. The moment you do, your time starts to tick, and you increase your chances of having more time, thereby staying longer.
More or Less, Regardless, everyone’s running by a clock. Some people are lucky to grow old and die at a ripe age; some are unfortunate, especially the youth who have accounted more deaths this year than an aged person. Having that in mind, and knowing we don’t own our lives and we aren’t promised tomorrow, we need to help ourselves by being In Time with reality.
Before our time runs out on us and all we’d need is a second to reach our loved ones like Justin Timberlake wished he could have had with his mother in the movie.
Know your HIV status today.
P.S Whoever can read that time up there gets a date with me, all expense paid.
Happy New Year in Advance.
I’m sure no one has probably ever being asked that. You sorta demand for it rather. Of course everyone wants to play the part of Oliver twist, as long as you can ask for more. When most of us were little, we always asked for ‘jara’ from the lady who served at the school cafeteria or the food vendor we bought from for those much older. It was a spontaneous action. Almost deservingly thought, led by the bold audacity that came after. Some times we are fortunate to be given, and at most, not so Christmas-y.
But this Jara has more or less to do with the actual meaning of the word. Recently, MNet produced its first-ever original series – JARA with the aim of going behind the scenes in Nollywood, getting the inside scoop on what’s going on in Nigeria’s vibrant film industry and catching up with Nollywood stars as they chat about their stellar careers, joining M-Net’s other numerous original productions like Tinsel, Studio 53 and Comedy Club, which have been shown on the AfricaMagic channel.
JARA is hosted by two of Nigeria’s hottest star popular and sociable Big Brother All Stars winner Uti Nwachukwu and sensational entertainment personality Helen Paul. So far the lot have been consistent and efficient with the show. They have featured various personalities In the industry as well as rate top hottest men. I particularly do not see any need for this segment specially because its handled by Uti (14 years lurking about him) but its brought life to the show as the girls (like my mom) look forward to this part.
Along the line, Helen Paul took in and had to be replaced as she headed for a maternity leave. I tried to restrain from saying that the new substitute couldn’t keep her eyes off Uti. (Who would?) She as much as ogled at him during a show she practically forgot her next line. Pathetic!
A show must have its flaws no matter how tiny but in all, Jara depicts the true Nigerian Culture, from the gorgeous and crazy attires to background setting. The throw pillow signature is creative as well. But may we ask for ‘Jara’? I know I want more than what is given.
Yes it did but of course not literally or in the movie. When I first saw the preview of the movie, Columbiana, I was a tad skeptical about how that would turn out starting with the fact that Zoe Saldana (Cataleya) wasn’t exactly my favourite actress, second the story line didn’t leave much for the mind to wonder and so I resorted to watching it on my Phone instead, though curious to know if my scepticism would be proved right. Unfortunately for me but fortunately for the movie, they were proved wrong.
In the action film Colombiana, Zoe Saldana plays Cataleya, a young woman who has grown up to be an assassin after witnessing the murder of her parents as a child. The killing began in Bogota, when Cataleya (Saldana) is just a 10-year-old schoolgirl doing homework at the kitchen table, when thugs sent by the local drug lord gun down her parents in front of her. I was particularly intrigued by the scene where she had to race, rolls and bounds over, around and through tightly stacked hillside houses and serpentine alleyways to escape the killers after having stabbed the leader of the mob in the palm, all the while, Her passport to safety — Chicago and her uncle — a microchip she swallowed. The young cateleya moved so swiftly you’d think she’s been in the game in her actual life.
Turning herself into a professional killer and working for her uncle, she remained focused on her ultimate goal: to hunt down and get revenge on the mobster responsible for her parents’ deaths and which she did eventually even though she was betrayed by love.
Whether it’s a nod to the director’s artistic leanings, the image of the orchid she’s named for — (cattleya, for the horticulturist purists out there) — becomes her signature, inked onto the bodies of her victims. It helps knit the plot together, with the pattern attracting the attention of a persistent FBI agent played by Lennie James, the Colombian drug lord Don Luis (Beto Benites), his No. 2 Marco (Jordi Mollà) and the sleazy CIA agent (Callum Blue) who helped relocate Don Luis and his cronies under some kind of off-the-books witness protection scam to New Orleans.
Every scene brings about an adrenaline rush that would warrant you to be in a cinema room, eating popcorn while your eyes are glued to the screen. My curiosity though led me to watch it, not even on my laptop, but on my phone and now I’m regretting all those goose-pimple moments I had just watching it on a little screen when I could have been watching it on a bigger one. Curiosity killed Columbiana for me. And I can only hope it doesn’t for you.
Advice: it’s not a laptop movie.