Chi-Chi Egwaoje: To my first love (30 Days, 30 Voices)
Was it the timing? Were we too eager? Somehow, our attempt at love again was headed for a big crash even before it took off.
If wishes were horses, beggars would ride. If wishes were horses you and I will be together in perfect love. If wishes were horses you will be the perfect man for me and I, the perfect woman for you. Alas wishes are not horses. Alas you and I are not together. We happen to be two imperfect people who have failed many times to translate the deep love we have for each other into a committed and fulfilling relationship.
I don’t know what exactly it is about the two of us that makes it difficult for us to have a long-lasting relationship. Perhaps it is not our destiny to be together but I could have sworn we were soul mates back then when we first started.
We were two naïve teenagers in love. You were there for me and cared deeply about me. You protected me and made me feel like the most important thing in the world. All that mattered to me was you. I felt safe in your arms. When my house was hotter than fire from the blacksmith’s furnace, your soothing words always cooled my heart. You completed the equation that long needed an addition to make a whole number. Our love would have been like the type only seen in movies or read about in novels if not for that big ‘but’.
Your ‘but’ were your insecurities, your lack of trust, your weakness for women and that tendency to take that which you say you love for granted. Despite your many buts I still held on hoping for the day you will grow up; the day you will stop having those petty jealous fits. That day never came. I had to let go – one of the toughest decisions of my life – but I still held on to you in my heart (I am still yet to decide how good of a decision that was).
The time of our separation went from minutes to hours, days to weeks, weeks to months and eventually months to years. We were separated not only by the unchanging hands of times but also by the powerful seas which created miles of distance between us. Even with the time and seas separating us, I still loved you…deep, deep, deep down inside. Thanks to the wonderful creation called social media, the effect of distance was substantially reduced. I chose to be a passive observer of your life. Happy when you were and sad along with you; but you never realised because I moved with a pretentious air.
Time and chance somehow happened and I began to feel the familiar ache of the early years gone by. You came back into my life; physically and emotionally. This time, I chose to step out of the lurking shadows and retrieve that which had been buried deep within. I was ready to give it another shot, to forgive the many transgressions of the past and let go of any residue of hurt and pain that your actions may have created. I was ready to start over and so were you.
Was it the timing? Were we too eager? Somehow, our attempt at love again was headed for a big crash even before it took off. Something was wrong. I felt it but ignored it. Things were different…I was different. I was no longer the naïve teenager you used to know. I knew what I wanted and I knew I wanted a man who would be totally committed to me. I needed you to assure me of your commitment to us; I needed assurance of our long term prospects. Unfortunately, I didn’t get this. I know you loved me but why did you find it hard to love me the way I wanted to be loved? Why was there always a disconnect between the words you spoke and your final actions?
Someone once said to me that love is complex and operated on two rather opposite but valid principles – you can let go of the one you love, knowing that if it’s truly yours, it will come back to you or you can fight for the one you love. What you choose depends on the circumstances. So I ask myself; should I fight for you or let you go, knowing that if you truly belong to me, you would return?
The time is ticking, confusion forms a thick cloud over my head but I hear that thin voice within saying clearly, ‘move one’. I can’t fight this voice because I know it is instruction from above but I hate to los you. I hate to see you go. This is why I am writing this. To let you know that you held a special part within me, that we connected on levels that some can only imagine. I miss you many times when I think about you but I am comforted with the fact that I made the right choice.
Love you always.
Chi-Chi Egwaoje is a Food Science student and she is in love with everything that has to do with love. When she is not in school, you can find her cooking, reading or just basically enjoying life.
30 Days 30 Voices series is an opportunity for young Nigerians to share their stories and experiences with other young Nigerians, within our borders and beyond, to inspire and motivate them.
Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.