Collins Uma: Dear ladies, don’t bother, men don’t care about your Brazilian hair

by Collins Uma

Peter-Obi_Willie-Obiano

Even though he was the Anointed One, the Akpokue Dike 1 of Aguleri still ran a very good campaign, commendable by any standard. From the collated results he is clearly the winner of the election, leading his closest rival, the Defrenchised One, by about 80,000 votes. And he is assured of more votes by the time the supplementary elections are conducted.

You like hairs. Short hairs. Kinky hairs. But you love long hairs in a way that cannot be explained. Long natural hair, that is. How do you explain standing on a the busiest street in town staring at a female that just waltzed past with long, natural hair? Or how you refused to alight at your bus stop because of a passenger in front of you whose hair you feasted on with your eyes until she got down at her bus stop one hour away from yours? You rationalize your inordinate attachment to hairs by saying everybody loves hairs or they won’t be spending so much on, well, attachments. And weave-ons.

You remember a girl with diabolically short hairs that once tried to impress you with long hairs. Diabolically because her hair never grew beyond a certain length. She must have offended some people in the village when she was younger. Well, she got weave-ons. She looked good. And you told her so. But she got angry because you only told her she looked ‘good’. She tried letting you know the difference between that weave-on and others. She schooled you on how this was not ‘Darling Yaki’ or any of the other ones little girls use in celebrating their successful completion of ‘Junior WAEC’ or the type the girls on the bridal train at a wedding held at an ERCN church near your house used or… You tell her you got the message. But you don’t. You see, men don’t know any difference between ‘Darling Yaki’ and ‘Brazilian Hair’ when its on a girl’s hair because men don’t care. The name of the weave-on does not affect the man’s appraisal of the girl’s, well, performance. Ok, you digress. When the affair came to an end she demanded a refund of all she had spent trying to impress you. Yes, she kept records. Even if you didn’t send her to do all that.

You remember all this because of some really humorous men in Anambra state, South-East Nigeria, each of who thinks he is the heir apparent to the Anambra throne. One is asking for a refund of his expenditures before and during the just concluded elections. He said he was going to establish embassies for the state in different countries. The lack of embassies is why the state has remained undeveloped. He knows nothing about O’level government because he knows nothing about O’level Government. His NECO result was acquired in 2005. What was he doing until then? He was acquiring capital with Nigeria’s oil.

And then there is the other one who must have watched Everybody Hates Chris and believes the title should have been Everybody Loves Chris as he was the best thing to have happened to Anambra state since okpa di oku. He had the worst of campaigns. At a point he said he deserves to be governor because he has a better dress sense than his opponent who wore running shoes with Ankara during campaign. You will not wear running shoes with Ankara but you also do not see why that should form your reason for voting Everybody Loves Chris instead of the other guy.

You don’t want to even think about the one who was recently the president of Nigerian students who believes he was ‘defrenchised’. You looked at your dictionary and there is no word like ‘defrenchised’. You need another dictionary maybe. You go to Google and Google asks ‘Do you mean Disenfranchised?

Even though he was the Anointed One, the Akpokue Dike 1 of Aguleri still ran a very good campaign, commendable by any standard. From the collated results he is clearly the winner of the election, leading his closest rival, the Defrenchised One, by about 80,000 votes. And he is assured of more votes by the time the supplementary elections are conducted. You only hope he will set up a textile factory in the state that will supply him those branded Ankaras he loves to wear with his running shoes and other factories to produce the clippers he uses to part his hairs just the way Ndi Anambra have become used to seeing it.

 

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Collins Uma tweets from @CollinsUma

 

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

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