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Committeocracy! The government of the committees, by the committees and for the committees- All in last week’s news… with a pinch of salt

by Stanley Azuakola

Those who pledge to Nigeria in the open but seek to pauperize it in the dark shall stumble and awkwardly fall until daylight reveals their underpants.

FG to inaugurate conviction probe committee

As part of its trans-committee agenda, the federal government through the Ministry of Niger Delta has promised to inaugurate a committee to probe why all convicted ex-governors since 1999 have only come from the Niger Delta region.

First it was Alamieyesigha of Bayelsa, then Igbinedion of Edo, and now Ibori of Delta. The statement from the office of the minister stated that the government is worried that the convictions do not reflect diversity and federal character. In a related development, presidential spokesman Reuben Abati has explained government’s decision to set up committees for every issue under the sun. He said: “firstly it is for pride and innovation sake.

Just as ancient Greeks brought about democracy, who says modern Nigerians can’t bring committeocracy –the government of the committees, by the committees and for the committees.” He further said setting up committees ensure that Nigeria continues to rise high in the “committee of nations.”

Famous authors apologise to Nigerians

Once again, the Nigerian experience has defied the wisdom of experts as four world renowned authors jointly tendered an unreserved apology to the government and people of Nigeria for some of their old novel titles. Cormac McCarthy, the American author of ‘No Country for Old Men’, said he intends to write a sequel in honour of Nigeria where old men run things. It would be titled; ‘Old Men Country’.

Brazilian author Paulo Coelho who wrote the novel, ‘By the River Piedra I sat down and wept’, also said if he’d encountered Nigeria before then, the book would have been titled, ‘By the River Niger I sat down and water runaway my eyes’. On his part, Colombian author Gabriel Marquez said he intends to write a new novel better than his famous ‘Love in the Time of Cholera’; it would be titled; ‘Bombs in the Time of Lassa Fever’.

Finally the estate of the late Samuel Beckett who wrote ‘Waiting for Godot’, said that if the author had been alive to see how patiently Nigerians have been waiting to see their president begin to deliver, he would have been compelled to title his remarkable novel, ‘Waiting for Goodluck’ instead. Meanwhile the Nigerian government has accepted their apologies and admonished them not to try it again.

 

LBS studies Ibori

The Lagos Business School (LBS) has introduced a new course, Criminal Intent for Aspiring Executives, based on valuable lessons from the career of self-confessed money launderer, James Ibori. Some of the key points from the course include:

1. Football age isn’t only for footballers (how Ibori lied about his real age in order to be eligible to run for governor).

2. Breasts have lost their value (how some women bared their breast in protest when Ibori was first arrested).

3. Logic is harder than Maths (how Ibori had no problem doing the maths and pocketing the billions but later murdering logic by saying he confessed in order to help Nigeria’s image).

CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK

The old order changeth, yielding place to the new, watch and pray, watch and pray. Sooner or later, the men who unconscionably steal what amounts to the budgets of states shall be met with the fate of Ibori and worse.

Unjust judges perverting the course of justice like Marcel Awokulehin who said Ibori had no case to answer shall meet their own just reward. The governments populated by and beholden to corrupt lords like Ibori shall unravel like the climax of a mystery novel. Those who pledge to Nigeria in the open but seek to pauperize it in the dark shall stumble and awkwardly fall until daylight reveals their underpants. Who is the CeeCee this week? Go figure!

 

Follow A Pinch…on twitter @stanleyazuakola

Editor’s Note: A Pinch of Salt… is satire – a riff off news over the past week.


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