Dead on arrival: The worst new things in ‘Nigerian’ music
by Ore Fakorede
Hey, how’s it going? ‘It’ being whatever you’re doing at the moment, including sitting in horrendous traffic peering at this on your phone. Looking over the week in Nigerian music, you’ll experience exhilarating highs and abysmal lows—kind of like suffering from bipolar disorder. Here’s the worst of those mind-numbing, rock-bottom moments. Try not to cry.
1. The P-Square/Rick Ross Collaboration: A Big, Fat Miss
On the heels of their widely publicized KonLive record deal, Peter and Paul Okoye (known collectively as P-Square) featured Konvict Music head honcho Akon on the remix of ‘Chop My Money’ – the duo’s biggest viral hit yet. The result? Pretty impressive.
Like obsessed Cold War scientists eager to recreate a potentially apocalyptic reaction, the jet-setting twins just had to go and tap literally larger than life Maybach Music rapper Rick Ross to put an off-tangent spin on their totally forgettable track, ‘Beautiful Onyinye’. Two words: Epic. Fail. Replete with sand-lot rhymes that could have been lifted off an Eedris Abdulkareem joint (filmed cruising around a dull-as-dishwater Miami), the Boss just made the already not-so-pretty song look worse. *Rozay grunt*
2. D’banj’s New Record Label: Misnomer
Granted, D’banj isn’t just anybody, and that’s what makes the ‘Oliver Twist’ singer’s announcement earlier this week even more painful. No gripes with Don Jazzy’s former homeboy starting a record label, but why give it a less than intelligent name like D’Koko Master Records?! Worse still is its convenient, Nigerian-esque abbreviation – D.K.M. Records. *holds laughter* For crying out loud! Why not Koko Records or Koko Music? Compared to ‘Mavin’, ‘D.K.M.’ could well be an auditing company staffed with dull, bespectacled middle-aged men. Just saying.
3. Mo’Cheddah’s New Singles: Skip,Skip, Skip!
Everyone seems to be starting a record label these days, even if the ‘label’ doesn’t actually own a recording studio (not even a roadside kiosk with a four-track recorder) and has just one artist on its roster.
Case in point: Mo’ Cheddah. The Knighthouse Entertainment runaway recently launched her very own imprint, Cheddah Music and fired off three
duds, er, singles this week. ‘Louder’ (watch video here), the most promoted of the three, can best be described as an amplification of Mo’ Cheddah’s average musical ability. Ca-co-pho-nic. Let’s not talk about the other two.
4. Davido’s Upcoming Album: Why so vulgar?!
Barely out of his teens, Davido is shooting up the fame ladder at alarming speed and that Flash Gordon-like pace seems to be doing weird things to his noggin’. The D’banj signee has titled his upcoming album ‘O.B.O’, supposedly an abbreviation of his self-given appellation – Omo Baba Olowo. Yeah, right. The world knows better, young man. When pronounced in a particular way (don’t ask how), that same arrangement of letters happens to represent the Yoruba word for. . . the vital lady part. Talk about poorly disguised impropriety. Shame on you, Davido!
REPRIEVE: US-based Nigerian soul singer Adaku debuted her official first single, ‘Or You Can’, earlier this week. Featured on YouTube’s ‘Fresh Faces’ compilation for the month of June, Adaku’s is a breath of fresh air in a world dominated by stifling autotune ‘earbangers’. The lady could well be the new Asa.