Dear Garba Shehu, Nigerians have 99 problems but a runaway boo isn’t one

Dear Garba Shehu,

You had been silent for almost a week only to come back yesterday with the news and details of Donald Trump’s call to your boss, President Muhammadu Buhari as if Trump’s call to the President of Nigeria comes with a badge of honour. Still, it came as no surprise because we flashed back to that time you made it a point to explain to us – and gamble on that boomerang of a shade to Goodluck Jonathan – that President Buhari was not snubbed for Trump’s inauguration as if we did not know that already.

What is surprising is your announcement encouraging us to get ready to see the President in person soon. You of all people should know better. We always thought you had a special way of feeling our collective pulses before putting out statements. You should have known already that Nigerians are over that – getting ready to see Buhari in person. Is he a Benjamin?

But as it turns out, you read our signs wrong. You probably thought all of our clamour asking you all at the Presidency, to be honest about the President’s whereabouts and health condition was because we had any ingterest in seeing his face. We are here to apologise for giving you the wrong signals and also to give you a few things Nigerian are more concerned about than seeing the President in flesh soon – or even later:

Price of a pack of Celebrations or Quality Street

 

 

 

Because this is 2017 B.T (Buhari Times) and Fortum and Mason hampers are no longer the feasible Valentine gift option.

The exchange rate

Because the dollar is the new gold

How to cut the ridiculous line at Cakes and Cream this Valentine

Losing your girl on top of everything else that is wrong in Nigeria because you could not deliver ordinary Vals cake is not even an option.

What exactly is happening with MMM?

Because the men who invested last year so they could get that expensive ring against today are still waiting for help.

Beyonce’s twins

Because what else?

How to prevent STDs

Today is Valentine’s after all.

And finally, the one person we can assure you Nigerians are more interested in seeing in flesh: the genius that runs the @officialEFCC account.

So Mr Garba Shehu, thanks, no thanks.

With Love,

 

 

 

 

 

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