by Olusegun Dada

The Nigerian government wanted some cache of weapons in South Africa which of course is needed to fight our worst enemies “Boko Haram”. So our government immediately hatched a fool proof plan to get the weapons from South Africa.

I am not a weapons person so I can’t really say for certain what $9.3 million can get us on the open market, but here is the timeline of operations according to our government’s explanation:

1. They needed weapons for fighting Boko Haram or whatever it is government does with arms purchased from foreign companies.
2. Now, our President alone owns about 10 jets on his fleet and is actually asking for one more. We have hundreds of military planes that could have been sent on such a mission.
3. The government could have charted a cargo plane. Even if it didn’t trust Arik because of the row with Omojuwa over his iPad, there are still reputable cargo airlines out there. After all, $9.3 million is bigger than an iPad.
4. Our government then decides to charter a private jet from a company who then leased the jet from a company in which Pastor Oristejafor has ‘’residual interest’’.
5. Bear in mind that Pastor Oristejafor is our President’s (The owner of the Nigerian government’’ close friend and spiritual adviser.
6. Those kind of coincidences are what makes conspiracy theorists like me make a living.
7. So the Nigerian government conveniently forgets to tell the government of South Africa about the arrival of our arms money in its territory. Horrible oversight.
8. So pronto! $9.3 million is loaded into the jet that Pastor Oritsejafor has ‘’residual interest’’ in.
9. Again we must remember that since Pastor Oristejafor has only ‘’residual interest’’ in the company, he doesn’t need to know what activities the jet is used for.
10. Pastor Oristejafor got said jet as a birthday gift from his ‘’Church Members’’ who are so blessed by the good pastors lifestyle and anointing.
11. Plane moved from Abuja on the 6th of September 2014 for South Africa carrying two Nigerian civilians and one Israeli with alleged links to the Mossad.
12. The flight crew is instructed to wait on the tarmac and bring back both men and weapons to Abuja by the 7th.
13. Now this method of getting weapons is totally different from the original method employed by countries who sell arms to each other.
14. The method employed by the Nigerian government to get these arms is one used usually by gang leaders and terrorists.
15. Since we can’t buy weapons ourselves, we decided to get an Israeli to help us. As the Israelis too beg us to help them get weapons into their country.
16. The cashless policy we just introduced doesn’t stop us from carrying much liquid cash around.
17. $9.3 million in cash, jet, two Nigerian civilians and an Israeli are detained on arrival in South Africa.
18. Sahara Reporters break news and most of the political sitting-on-the-fence-twitter said it was a lie straight from the pit of hell.
19. The Nigerian government finally wakes up from its slumber and remembered it sent a jet, $9.3 million and three people to South Africa.
20. Ayo Oritsejafor finally remembers his jet is missing and identifies the one Sahara Reporters are reporting as his.
21. The Nigerian government finally owns up to its mistake. The money is theirs; the jet is for a company that leased it from another company that Pastor Oritsejafor has interests in. Residual interests…
22. CAN (Christian Association of Nigeria) isn’t the owner of the seized jet but releases a statement anyway blaming the trio of Nasir El-Rufai, Lai Mohammed and Sahara Reporters for the woes of its president.
23. Press release looks like it was drafted in Wadata Plaza by Olisa Metuh because it comes with the accompanying bitterness that Metuh is known for.
24. The Nigerian government absolves Pastor Oristejafor of all crimes. After all he is a man of God.
25. Fuel scarcity hits the capital city and most states. A bomb goes off in a lecture hall in Kano.
26. No one bothered to ask what is a pastor’s business in business.
27. A bomb goes off in a lecture hall in Kano.
28. That is the Nigerian Government’s story and they are sticking to it.
29. Thanks for being Doughnuts as usual.
30. Change is needed. Stop electing idiots!

——————————————————————

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

YEditor