by Mary Jo Rapini

If you allow someone to misuse you, most of the time, it involves your self-esteem. We cannot choose well if we believe inside that we are lucky to have anyone.

One of the most frustrating problems I work with involves women who complain about their boyfriends reluctance to marry them. The problem most commonly happens when women are dating someone that is not the marrying kind, but somehow the woman complaining believes she can magically change him. This is rarely successful because the guy ends up feeling trapped or manipulated into marriage, which usually leads to the couple’s inability to successfully deal with conflict resolution. This issue would be drastically minimized if women who wanted to get married stayed away from the types of guys who weren’t the marrying sort.

Listed below are seven of those types.

1. The guy who tells you he doesn’t want a serious relationship right now. Believe him, because it is usually true.

2. The guy who talks about his ex more than he talks about anyone else. He isn’t over her.

3. The guy who suggests things you could do to improve your looks. Let him go.

4. The guy who thinks it’s genetic to cheat. Marriage isn’t natural, that’s why you have to commit.

5. The guy who is in his mid to late forties and has never been married.

6. The guy who still doesn’t know what he wants to do in his life or career at the age of twenty-five is not good husband material.

7. The guy who is hung up on himself. If he thinks he hung the moon, don’t delude yourself into thinking you can change him.

If you are involved with a guy who treats you badly, according to your friends and family, there are usually five reasons why.

1. You may be attracted to bad boys or rebels. Who are you rebelling against?

2. You are insecure and terrified of being alone and have the mentality that a warm body is better than no body.

3. You are in a delusional state of thinking he will change after he is married to you. This delusion is kept going by telling yourself that once he sees how great of a wife you are, he will be so grateful that he will do whatever you want.

4. You see his faults and believe you are the only one who can save him.

5. You may have witnessed abuse in your family of origin. Our parents model for us how to treat those you love.

If you saw hitting, anger, yelling and unkindness, you equate that with love. Women stay in this state of dating or living with a guy who treats them badly until they can change their view of themselves. This often requires counseling because women who date guys who misuse them have created impenetrable defense mechanisms kept in place to protect them; when their friends and family question their choice of men. Counseling usually helps by offering these suggestions. We teach others how to treat us. If you allow someone to misuse you, most of the time, it involves your self-esteem. We cannot choose well if we believe inside that we are lucky to have anyone. After all, if you focus on your faults, they become who you are.

Identify things in your life that you don’t feel good about and search for the reasons why they are holding you back.
1. Take time to look at your past relationships. How much of the problem was the other person, and how much was you and what you allowed?

2. Try new places to date. Do not go back to the places that you met past failed relationships.

3. Begin trusting your intuition and don’t apologize for your views or actions.

4. Be more selfish with your personal goals.

5. Never settle because you are afraid that you wasted time.

6. Re-frame failure as being unable to accept your responsibility, that you do control the outcome of the relationship.

7. After each date write down what you did well and where you failed with personal responsibility. When women date men who treat them poorly, it is partly because women won’t stand up or take responsibility for their needs. “If you are with a man who doesn’t treat you well, quit believing in magic, and move on.”

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Read this article in Your Tango

 

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.