by Julia Austin

Sex feels good, and you don’t want to give something that feels good to somebody that you’re not very happy with.

Your relationship is fine. You’re not getting into massive arguments. You’re happy to be around each other. You look forward to seeing each other. You do find your partner attractive. But you’ve stopped having sex. Or, you’ve stopped having it nearly as much as you used to. But sex is an integral part of feeling intimate with someone: it’s what differentiates your partner from just your friend. And if you let a sex drought go on for too long, you could be headed for the end. But it can be an easy fix if you can identify the problem.

You’ve gotten too comfortable

There is nothing wrong with being comfortable with your partner. Do you fart in front of each other? Good for you! Hang out with your zit cream on? No problem! Ask your partner to rub your tummy when you’re having indigestion? More power to you. But, you just can’t do that all of the time. Yes, when it comes down to it, we’re all farting, burping, biological creatures. But, in order to be turned on and to turn someone on, sometimes we need to be sexual objects. It can be difficult to get in the mood when you just asked your partner to deliver you toilet paper to the bathroom. If you want to have sex, try to cut out the gross talk and the baby voices for at least thirty minutes. That’s all—thirty minutes of a break from your massive comfort zone, and a bit of the sexiness can come back.

You’ve forgotten it feels good!

Something similar to our fight or flight response kicks in when we’re massively horny, but also massively exhausted. Either that adrenaline overpowers and that carnal desire takes over—you fight—or, you pass out. And that’s a flight. These are two of the strongest combatting forces in the human body and after being with someone for a while, it’s easy to let the flight side win when you just finished a 9 hour work day. However, you know that every time you muster up the energy and do have sex, you’re so happy you did. You feel instantly emotionally closer to your partner, and you typically sleep better! Remind yourself of those benefits next time you’re battling your heavy eyelids.

You’re fighting too much

Maybe you don’t get in huge, relationship-altering fights, but even just bickering over small matters kills the mood. Sex feels good, and you don’t want to give something that feels good to somebody that you’re not very happy with. Since even an argument over where to have dinner can linger for an hour, if you’re a constantly bickering couple, there may never be an extended period of peace in which the two of you can have sex. If you’re really worried about your depleting sex life, stop the bickering. Ask yourself next time you’re going to speak up about something, “Does this really matter?” More importantly, “Does this matter more than my sex life?”

You don’t get enough alone time

Do you and your partner live with roommates? Is your house the hangout place that all your friends show up to? It’s great that you and your partner get along well in a social setting but to get in the mood, you need time to focus on just each other. If you’re with friends basically until the moment you get in bed to go to sleep, that doesn’t facilitate much romance. Set aside time to be alone and just focus on one another.

Your bed is your office

Is there a cellphone going off with Facebook updates on either side of the bed? Are there PlayStation wires lining the foot of the bed? How about a laptop that permanently lives in the middle of the bed? With people being constantly connected through technology today, the bed has become less intimate and more like an office. You already live extremely busy lives: you only have a handful of precious moments to disconnect from the world and focus on each other when you get into bed at night. But, that’s not going to happen if you’re both tempted to check your Twitter.

You haven’t figured out a sex schedule

Speaking of leading busy lives, maybe you don’t have that much time for sex! Maybe your partner gets up two hours earlier than you for work or comes to bed two hours later. You might have to really think about the times you cross paths in the bedroom. Is it before making dinner? Is it just in the morning before going to work? Scheduling sex might not sound very romantic but having no sex at all is even less romantic. If your partner is asking for sex during that one slot of time you have to do it but you’re tired, get over it. If you don’t fit it in now, you might not for a while, and then you’ll feel distant from your partner.

You’re addicted to your vibrator

Technology could be affecting your relationship in one more way, but via a  less expected unit: the vibrator. Why deal with trying to direct a clueless man as to how to please you, when your vibrator can have you off in less than two minutes? Some women have become so addicted to the instant orgasm, that they are unable to appreciate the act of real sex. Sorry but, like any drug or substance that can emotionally distance you from your partner, you may have to wean yourself off your little buzzing friend! Less-than-perfect sex, but emotional intimacy, is more important than a spot on orgasm.

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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.