Eyiamoni Apeji: The me I am when I am by myself [NEXT]

by Eyiamoni Apeji

The me I am when I’m by myself is much better than anyone else. For one thing, she is honest. She is slightly meaner, but honest all the same.

She thinks a lot. She judges more. But mostly she enjoys judging me. Critiquing me, remembering painful lies that I regretfully told. The absence of people is time I spend spooling in my untruths. Time she spends to throw them at me.

You see the me I am when I’m by myself is intolerant to lies.

And so we never really get along, as I have found a hobby in deception.

It is a truth I have come to accept (how frequently I lie).

I lie to myself in the morning when I wake. Today is going t be different. Much better than the last. I tell myself I won’t skip breakfast. I won’t over think things. I won’t try to please everyone.

I won’t worry about being overweight. I won’t spend too much time on trying to look better than is comfortable.

I won’t throw awful thoughts into the world today. I won’t fake emotion. Smile at sexist comments, ignore objectification, I won’t care.

I lie that I won’t care what society thinks of me. I lie to myself that I’m ok with being anti-social. That society just doesn’t get me. I tell people that I experience the world differently, that I am unique, that I am special. You see we all tell ourselves this. It is a basic truth of human condition, we all lie, everybody lies, and the only variable is about what. During her many hours of spooling, the me I am when I’m by myself has found that the only way to be special is to BE special. The only way to be unique is to BE unique. I have given up on thinking I was born special. I was born with such advantage. There are seven billion people in the world, and of these seven billion there are only four major races, only three pigment colours of the iris, only two genders, only four major hair colours. Our major difference is not what we look like, it’s what we do, what we think, who we are.

And so I have decided I do not want to be a liar.

I do not especially want to lie to myself anymore because the me that I am when I am surrounded by people, when I can feel the pressure of society, that me is especially vulnerable to lies. What’s worse is that I am especially gifted in lying to myself. We lie best when we lie to ourselves and because liars lose track of the truth I have started to believe me.

The me I am when I’m by myself has agreed to mentor me during this rehabilitation process. And yet I lie to myself and pretend I can break her. When I spin tall tales of pretend privilege in my mind she whispers the truth through my lips. When I am dishonest in character, when I imply things that are untrue or exaggerate my opinions she gently corrects them with honest euphemisms, and slowly I am realising that the world seems to prefer her. They speak of her with better understanding and familiarity. They enjoy her presence for she exudes honesty.  And slowly I glimpse myself in their opinions. She is valued in opinion, she is easier to be around, she is flawed and imperfect but at least she is real. The me I am when I’m by myself is the purest me, uncensored me, the me I hope to always be.


Eyiamoni Apeji is a 19-year-old student of Media and Communication in her 3rd year at Pan Atlantic University. She is a creative writer and poet and was the Editor (and features writer) of her College Magazine (Atlantic Noise) in June 2016. She has an interest in advertising and marketing and has recently completed an internship programme with the Digital Marketing Agency, Sponge Limited.

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