Father-in-laws and new government laws, all in last week’s news…with a pinch of salt

by Stanley Azuakola

Lagos father-in-laws revolt

The Association of Professional Father-in-laws, Lagos branch, has said that from April 2012, after fuel subsidy is removed, bride prices for their daughters would go up to reflect new market realities. The father-in-laws also said other policies like the exorbitant University of Lagos fees and the Lekki expressway tolls would be factored into bride-prices as well. The curious aspect of the decision is that even those whose daughters never attended the university as well as those who live in Ajegunle, far away from Lekki, are also vowing to increase prices. In a panic move, an unprecedented number of young aspiring husbands in Lagos are performing hasty engagements and scheduling their weddings on or before April 2012. Some experts estimate that the new bide-prices would be more than double the present one.

President Jonathan prays

A reporter with Kalahari Reporters has discovered what is believed to be the Christmas prayer request of President Jonathan on a pew at the Aso Villa Chapel. There has been no confirmation from the presidency on whether it is indeed that of the president, however, some of the items on the list seem to suggest it is. “Father Lord, in this Yuletide season,” the president began:

1. Cover the eyes of Nigerians, may they not see the fuel queues that are returning to some states like Rivers State, despite all my assurances that the product is available.

2. Father, please allow Nigeria to qualify for at least one major sports tournament in 2012. The way we lost out this year, very soon people would start saying that my good luck is bad luck.

3. Finally Lord, I pray for my mentor, Babatunde Fashola that you continue to give him wisdom to set the pace for me. Let him continue to increase prices of things and use brutal force to disperse innocent protesters so that when I do my own, I can point to him. Amen.

Concerned Citizens propose new laws

Impressed by the national assembly’s recent panache and dexterity in passing very progressive laws, a group of concerned citizens have suggested other laws they believe would contribute greatly towards improving living standards and saving lives in the country. Some of the proposed laws include:

1. To prevent death by asphyxiation, there should be no indiscriminate arm-raising in public vehicles in a way that exposes the armpit and places it in the line of another person’s nose and mouth.

2. To prevent blindness, ladies with dangerous stretch marks must not wear low-waist skirts or trousers and guys with dirty underwear must not sag.

3. To provide legislative warmth, there should be no minimum age for marriage. As long as a girl can crawl, she should be eligible to be taken by a senator.

4. To stave off headaches, CBN Governor, Lamido Sanusi, should be banned from publicly speaking more than thrice per quarter.

CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK

Whereas there are many nominees this week for CeeCee including a council chairman and speaker who exchanged physical blows. Whereas A Pinch…will never tire of pointing out errant, nonsensical behaviour in our society. Yet, this week, in the spirit of the season to be jolly, there won’t be any CeeCee award handed out. A Pinch…is giving the clowns in town an undeserved respite. Certainly, they would not be this lucky next week. Merry Christmas.

Follow A Pinch…on twitter @stanleyazuakola

Editor’s Note: A Pinch of Salt… is satire – a riff off news over the past week.

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