Life was so much better when little ideas excited me, when my life was not decided by deadlines and fake allies.
I hear the voices of thousands of people screaming my name; I am the hero they look up to. I am the hero they forget need to be saved too. My life to them is a dream, to me, all I can say is I want out. I have been deceived many times by these screams, those out to get me tell me it is all that would ever matter but I think I know better now. I am a soul that seeks for a deeper meaning than all these glitz and today, I am going to set out on the path of redemption. I seek knowledge and the more I know, the emptier I feel. I need to find forever, a feeling of deep fulfillment and satisfaction. Forget all those talks about never looking back. For me, I know it is going to be redeeming. Time keeps passing by and none can sway time’s resolve not to wait for anyone. Yesterday’s dreams are today’s discontentment, vanity upon vanity. All men die but some die before death comes knocking, it can be said I am one of the living dead. Fame is so tasteless.
I have exhausted my nine lives, bullets are overrated. I die every day from guilt, my conscience slowly wearing away. Some days, I am proud of the life I live, other days, I wonder if I am truly living. Life was so much better when little ideas excited me, when my life was not decided by deadlines and fake allies. I feel like everyone wants a piece of me and even though it’s dark in here, I feel the need for my dark sunglasses. Every eye is probing. How much of these can I take? How long before I break? Is there a God up there that can hear me? Can He wash me clean of every sin, every life I ever destroyed? I got blood on my hands, my conscience is on a long recess, and the emptiness I feel surpasses all things anyone can imagine.
Alright I get it, it is starting to feel like I am speaking to myself, I forget I am on this stage standing before you all. I know what I am going to say tonight will make headlines tomorrow. Do I need to introduce myself again? I am sure y’all already know me (hell! My show is sold out), my Wikipedia page probably has my birth name, the one only my mum remembers to call me these days. Oh! The screams again, please I am going to need you all to be quiet to hear what I have to say. I am not these blings you see, I am not the stories you hear, and I am not even my lyrics. I am a human being with a soul and a dream mismanaged.
My life is beautifully disastrous, I know not of another mind as torn apart as mine. I need someone that can help me understand who I have become.
I hear a million voices in my head and I can’t hear myself think. I see me in my mind’s eye, blood covenants and perverted acts. I know not this man I have become. You all came out tonight to show me ‘love’, hear me play a few of my many hits. My success is enviable but I wonder if anyone can see/feel how lonely I am. My friends don’t even come visiting anymore; my manager said I needed a more powerful circle. I am married to an art that uses up all of my emotions giving nothing back, so I hide behind this dark shades, pills, and bottles.
Please can you stop screaming? I need you to hear the cries of my heart. Reach out to me, you call me a star but I need for us to switch places tonight, play a song for my hurting soul, hold my hand and tell me things will be normal again.
Fisayomi Eko Davies is a lawyer and a knowledge enthusiast. She writes in her spare time and runs www.fisayomi.blogspot.com. Follow her on twitter @straightmi
Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.