…maybe I have taken the first step, the step to self-realization, that person that resides in me is the one that needs to be loved.
Oh! That crack, could that be the sound of my heart breaking, love’s punches have become too much for my body to take, and my heart has become feeble, gosh! I need a therapy. Booked an appointment with my alter ego – Danielle and the office was in my head, I had a 2 hour session every week with Danielle. She was so hard on me; she thinks I am sick, I know I am not.
Our first session was really dramatic. I entered her office and closed the door behind me, Danielle had her eyes fixed on me from the door till I sat on the chair she offered. Her gaze was really intense I felt naked before her, I felt like she was judging me even before hearing me speak. She didn’t ask me any question, she just sat there staring intensely, I felt uncomfortable, I was going to talk to her anyway, is that not why I came here? To talk? Ask her to help me get to the base of my problems? She finally broke the silence with a cool “hello” , still scrutinizing me from behind her gold-rimmed glasses, I replied “hi”, she smiled as if to put me at ease, I sank lower into the chair, saying to myself, “I know I need help and I have come to get help.”
Why have you come? Came that deep voice , I was caught off-guard as I was suddenly jolted to reality, I was in front of my lecturer, the one I had gone to meet to redo the class quiz I missed, I must have been standing in front of him for more than ten minutes, he ordered me out of his office and called me unserious. My session with Danielle had barely started when he interrupted, I have to go back so we can get to the root of my problems and I can get back to normal.
I didn’t knock this time, I just entered sat down and started talking, there was a lot I needed to get out there, I need her to know where all these indecisiveness and non-commitment started from, I told her how my dream just keep getting shattered, how I feel caged and how sometimes I peep out of my cage hoping for some adventure but then the thought of risking a fall keeps me back in. I want her to understand my nature, how all I want is for a guy to love me right and for it to be easy for me to love him back. She clears her throat as if to tell me to stop, I took a deep breathe and broke down, she offered me a box of tissue, still not saying anything she watched as I blew my nose, I looked up, cleared my throat to continue, the tears aren’t the last of it, they just opened a new well of words I have to let out.
“Danielle,” I said, calling her name for the first time since I entered into the room “you don’t think I am normal, or do you?” I have dated five different guys under different circumstances and I am yet to find the love I sought and still seek. I felt her hands around me as she raised my head to meet hers; she said to me, “you already took the first step to getting healed, you held too much inside. I shook my head as if in disapproval because I knew even though I have said a lot, there is still more I will want to tell her but maybe she is right, maybe I have taken the first step, the step to self-realization, that person that resides in me is the one that needs to be loved.