Having kids & 10 other things that kill your sex drive

Are toxic lust killers ruining your relationship?

You can’t have great sex if your relationship is in tatters. Identify the deadly sex poisons that could be threatening your love life.

Toxic lust killers are things that poison your sex life. We all battle with some of them – even happy couples!

If you value your relationship, read this list and be honest with each other about things you’re struggling with. The longer a problem continues, the harder it is to solve, so act fast.

COMMITMENT AND GETTING MARRIED

Twenty-eight percent of women in one extensive sex study said their husbands stopped wanting sex with them mere months after they got married

And don’t feel too smug if you’re live-in lovers: non-married couples who’ve been together more than two years report higher rates of ‘no’ or ‘low sex’ marriages than married couples. Familiarity is a desire dampener for both sexes because it instantly strips away the three top turn-ons: unavailability, adventure and mystery.

For men, commitment also feeds into their age-old primitive belief that once the chase is over and the prey conquered, it’s no longer worth having.

ANGER AND RESENTMENT

Chronic anger is poison to your relationship and sex life. If the person you’re living with is no longer your friend, they’re the enemy. Why would you want to open your heart – or anything else –  to them?

It’s impossible to have great sex if anger and resentment are standing by the door watching you and sneering.

Suspected or real infidelity: If your partner had an affair, or you suspect they have, you feel judged and insecureSuspected or real infidelity: If your partner had an affair, or you suspect they have, you feel judged and insecure

NOT FINDING YOURSELF OR EACH OTHER ATTRACTIVE ANYMORE

Love is kind but it’s not blind. We’d all love to think it’s what’s happening on the inside that’s important but physical attraction is a huge factor in long-term desire.

BORED OR TAKING EACH OTHER FOR GRANTED

We spend our lives desperately searching for someone to share it with. Then when we get them, we’re bored having to hang around the same person all the time. People are 23 times more likely to forget their eighth anniversary than they are their first.

HAVING KIDS

It’s not just sheer exhaustion from the relentlessness of bringing up children that puts sex on the back burner. Lots of women find they can’t switch off from ‘Mum mode’ during sex, one ear is always pricked to hear what the kids are up to. And both of you worry their ears are pricked, listening to what you’re up to.

Stress, anxiety and exhaustion caused by a hectic life or work, can put a real damper on your sex lifeStress, anxiety and exhaustion caused by a hectic life or work, can put a real damper on your sex life

SUSPECTED OR ACTUAL INFIDELITY

If your partner had an affair, or you suspect they have, you feel judged and insecure. Not to mention a wee bit angry. A common reaction is to withhold sex: sometimes as punishment, sometimes because doing it is too painful a reminder that they’ve done it with someone else.

COMPETING SEX OUTLETS

Men particularly are guilty of this – if sex with their wives takes too much effort, they’ll take the easier option and replace it with masturbating to porn. Ironically, the female equivalent replacement is often children. Children (obviously) don’t provide us with sexual stimulation but they do a damn good job in the affection and love department. And if affection and connection were big players in why you had sex, it can reduce your motivation.

STRESS, ANXIETY AND EXHAUSTION

We’re all busy these days. Bloody busy. Life can be a slog and while most of us battle on, others struggle. Worry about money, jobs, family or friends sends our libido into a downward spiral. You need to be reasonably relaxed to have good sex and anxiety isn’t a helpful bed companion.

Unfortunately simply getting older can cause your libido to reduce and impact on your love life Unfortunately simply getting older can cause your libido to reduce and impact on your love life

MISMATCHED SEX DRIVES

This is a huge problem for lots of couples. Constantly feeling pressured – or rejected, depending on what side you’re on – nearly always results in a bed stalemate. Add lots of simmering resentment and the atmosphere becomes deeply unsexy.

AN UNHEALTHY LIFESTYLE

A little bit of what you fancy may well release inhibitions and lead to a damn good rodgering. But excessive and prolonged use of alcohol depresses the central nervous system, numbing sensation and your sex drive. Poor health generally is a libido dampener. Who wants sex if they’re not feeling well?

GETTING OLD

Hit 40 or 50 and your bum isn’t the only thing starting to sag. Getting an erection isn’t as easy as it used to be – a glimpse of a breast isn’t enough and hands on stimulation is needed. Some men accept this, albeit begrudgingly, but others panic and avoid sex to avoid feeling like a failure. For women in their 40s and 50s, the process of menopause begins and sex can be a dry, painful, joyless affair.

Tracey Cox’s new book Dare: What Happens When Fantasies Come True is published by Hodder and Stoughton (£7.99 paperback, £4.99 kindle); her book and the Dare product range is now available from www.traceycox.com.

Read more:

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

cool good eh love2 cute confused notgood numb disgusting fail