by Stanley Azuakola
Reports from Aso Rock reveal that its occupants are so pleased with the remarkable job Doyin Okupe is doing as a presidential spokesmen that it is not uncommon these days to hear the president chastising his other spokesman Reuben Abati by saying, “Can’t you emulate smart Okupe for once?”
GEJ’s bible defence
Nigeria’s president, Goodluck Jonathan, has Biblically defended the legendary sluggishness of his administration in a way that must have made God proud. Jonathan said in a church service that his government is “slow by human thinking because Nigeria is full of human beings and not Gods.” Explaining what he meant, the president said, “You know from the Bible that a thousand years is like a day in the sight of God and a snail speed is like a Chinese speed train in his sight. We are nothing but snails, but in the hands of the creator we are Chinese speed trains. Please note my emphasis on Chinese speed trains because I don’t want the media to compare us with the local trains which recently started running from Lagos to Kano. Those ones are confirmed snail speed both in the sight of God and man. God cannot be mocked.”
The smartest presidential spokesman
Reports from Aso Rock reveal that its occupants are so pleased with the remarkable job Doyin Okupe is doing as a presidential spokesmen that it is not uncommon these days to hear the president chastising his other spokesman Reuben Abati by saying, “Can’t you emulate smart Okupe for once?” A question and answer session last week with Okupe shows why he’s so highly rated.
Q: You said Jonathan would fix Nigeria but there’s no sign?
A: Who says there’s no sign? Are you blind? Has the fixer himself, Mr Fix-It Anenih not been given a new government appointment? What else do you want?
Q: The president promised transformation in 2012, we didn’t see it and now he’s shifted the goal post to 2013, why?
A: Well, as you know everyone thought that the world was going to end this year. So the president decided not to bother so that he would not finish developing the country in 2012 and then everything gets destroyed in the apocalypse. But now that the powers-that-be have shifted the goal post, watch out for 2013.
Q: You said the government created 2 million rural area jobs in agriculture alone, how did you measure that sir?
A: This is a government of trance-formation which is defined as forming or formulating things via trance. The president saw it clearly in a trance that he has created two million jobs, and by faith, that’s that. That would be all.
How Google upset Dame Patience Jonathan
Google released its list of most searched terms in Nigeria last week. The list which had JAMB, Mozat and Boko Haram taking the first three spots, came as a shock to Nigeria’s first lady Dame Patience Jonathan. The first lady claimed that she was hurt deeply by the search list and believed it was sabotaged by her detractors. According to her, “How can Google people tell me that I was away from this country for months and Nigerians were not searching for me?” She blasted the inclusion of Mozat on the list saying, “Mo-hits we know, Moet we know, but what is Mozat?” She claimed that the only search item which deserves to be on the list is Boko Haram because she knows that her husband is “seriously searching for them,” and “it will bad for them when he catches them.” She claimed that the correct order of the list should have been Dame Patience Jonathan at number one because everyone was searching for her when she was away; trouble at number two because Nigerians always look for her trouble; and Boko Haram at number three.
CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK
A Pinch… has observed the manner Imo governor, Rochas Okorocha, runs the state’s affairs and has come to two conclusions. First, Okorocha urgently needs to go back to school. The governor runs the state as if he’s managing a local charity. A financially literate person cannot grant civil servants in a poor state like Imo two weeks of vacation to celebrate the Yuletide, as Okorocha has done. That’s hubris. It’s a narcissistic approach to governance. Imagine how much of Imo’s meagre internally generated revenue would be lost to that rash directive. Okorocha, they say, is doing a decent job in championing pro-people policies as governor for which Imolites must be thankful. But it’s worrying to see the rate at which he enters the news for claptrap like punching a protocol officer or appointing special advisers with phony job descriptions or grounding activities in the state civil service for two weeks in the name of celebration. Which brings us to the second conclusion about the governor: Okorocha is a clown, an unsure one, desperately seeking approval. He takes the CeeCee this week.
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