by Stanley Azuakola

Ojo Maduekwe Gets Into English Dictionary

Nigeria’s new Canadian ambassador, Chief Ojo Maduekwe, is going places. All over the world, his remarkable gift of being able to find his way into any government is being recognised and hailed. His latest appointment by President Jonathan as Nigeria’s ambassador to Canada is the 10th different time that Maduekwe would be ruling in government in one form or another. Now, the International Association of Pure and Applied Grammar (IAPAG) is about to honour him by including his name in the English lexicon. Presently, when someone is very lucky and keeps showing up again and again even when others have left him for dead, he is called “a cat with nine lives,” but when the amendment sails through, such a person would no longer be called a “cat,” but an “an ojo with 10 lives.” Congrats to the Honourable Minister Secretary Ambassador Ojo Maduekwe.

 

Igbos Protest Over Bianca

Barely one week after Bianca Ojukwu, the widow of the former Biafran leader, was posted to Spain as an ambassador, some South Eastern groups are already grumbling. The bone of contention is why President Jonathan had the guts to send the widow of their beloved leader to Spain, a broke nation struggling with a recession. One of the main agitators, Comrade Atutu Poyoyo, called it an “affront to the Ibo race.” He said that the Ibos are a “resourceful and enterprising people, so why Jonathan decided to send the wife of the man representing our Igbo-ism to ‘broke’ Spain is beyond me. Are you prophesying ‘brokeness’ on the Igbo people? Would our leader’s wife see where to buy her beauty creams in a ‘broke’ nation?”

 

If You Are Short, You Are Wrong, Says Youth

IT was surprising to realise the lessons some people gleaned from the whole Farouk Lawan vs Femi Otedola bribery scandal. A young boy who spoke with A Pinch… on condition of anonymity said that the major lesson he learnt was that if you are short for no reason, you are wrong. According to him, he watched the video of Lawan stuffing the hundreds of thousands of dollar bribes into his pockets and underneath the cap on his head (A Pinch… can’t verify this), and he understood why Lawan was such a short man. He said “how can anyone increase in height with all that weight on his head and pocket pulling him down.” He further said that if Farouk Lawan can be short for a cause, he sees no reason why other “brief people are brief for nothing.” The boy also had an opinion about the news that British Prime Minister Cameron and his wife Samantha forgot their daughter in a pub where they went to eat and booze. He called the owners of the pub who returned her as “dull and destined for poverty.” He could not understand why “God will place such an opportunity on their laps and they let it go without demanding a ransom.” He advised President Jonathan not to mistakenly lose his kids in a Niger Delta beer parlour, otherwise “the rest, as they say, would be history.”

 

CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK

A Pinch… apologises in advance for the angle today’s CeeCee would take. It isn’t a message of resignation though; it’s just a present state of mind. A Pinch… is not surprised at Farouk Lawan. He hasn’t been found guilty yet, but even if he is, A Pinch… would still not be surprised. Just as Jonathan’s expected decision not to act on the recommendations of the Lawan report doesn’t/wouldn’t surprise and just as our helplessness in the face of a deluge of tragedy doesn’t surprise. You see, A Pinch… has gone past being surprised at anything that unfolds in Nigeria –a smooth, sane day is an anomaly in this country. Whenever such a day comes, you won’t need to remind A Pinch… to be surprised and pleased. Good luck to those who keep searching for heroes in the convoluted system that is Abuja, who keep hoping against hope that somehow, someone would rise and clean the Augean stables. Why set yourself up for heartbreak? Are you a clown?

Editor’s Note: A Pinch of Salt … is satire – a riff off news over the past week.

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