by ‘Yomi Kazeem

Kudos to the United States Navy SEALs for getting Osama bin Laden. Terminating the Al- Qaeda talisman was no easy feat, especially when they took extra caution to ensure that no American soldiers were lost. Such is the efficiency of the American enforcement agencies, in which they rightfully take pride. But what if, just what if, the Nigerian Police was involved? What would have happened? Million dollar question yeah? Now that I think about it, here’s how it would have played out…

Random guy picks up the phone and places a call to a police station…

RANDOM GUY: Hello, is this the Nigerian Police?

CORPORAL: Yes, Who be this?

 RANDOM GUY: I think I just saw Osama bin Laden, he’s in the house opposite mine.

CORPORAL: Congrats!

RANDOM GUY:  What do you mean congrats? I said I can see the man opposite my house.

CORPORAL: Wetin come happen?

RANDOM GUY:  Well, come and get him!

CORPORAL: Make I come get am…for this night? you think sey na beans? Abi u think sey we go just enter road start to dey run come? How I take know sey u no dey lie? My DPO go first come back, we go come discuss, plan and strategize how we go take come carry am, na the protocol be that.

RANDOM GUY: But he might be gone by that time!

CORPORAL: Ehn, na him luck be dat! Na him papa head save am.

RANDOM GUY: Look Sir, you need to come to right now

CORPORAL: (shouting) Look Mr. man, I don hear, thanks for the tip! Make we do our job abi u wan teach us how we go do am? Anyway, even if I wan come now, we no go fit.

RANDOM GUY: Why?

CORPORAL: We no get fuel

RANDOM GUY: What if I pay for the fuel

CORPORAL: We go need diesel join.

RANDOM GUY: (Incredulous) In the same vehicle?

CORPORAL: Our van na one of a kind o! The two front tyre dey use petrol, the ones for back dey use diesel.

RANDOM GUY: You must be joking! This is unbelievable!

CORPORAL: The engine come dey use bitumen

RANDOM GUY: Oh my God.

CORPORAL: Wetin do your God?

RANDOM GUY: This is a matter of life and death and you’re there talking rubbish

CORPORAL: Who’s life and death? Na your own? Abi if I come now and them shoot me, na you go die? Mscheeew!

RANDOM GUY: Okay, look I’ll pay for the petrol, diesel, bitumen and anything else you need! Is that enough?

CORPORAL: No.

RANDOM GUY: What else do you need?

CORPORAL: We go need recharge the battery of our gun

RANDOM GUY: Recharge the battery of your gun? What the hell are you talking about?

CORPORAL: This one no be all those yeye gun wey those small small boys for FBI dey use o! This one na straight from China. Confirm China- made!

RANDOM GUY: And it uses batteries! Are you alright?

CORPORAL:Na ur papa and ur mama no go dey alright! You get wahala o! If we no get gun, na trouble, if we get na still trouble! Mind yourself o!

RANDOM GUY: Ok, sorry, you can recharge you batteries in my house, I use a Mikano generator. Is that okay, can you come now?

CORPORAL:No.

RANDOM GUY: But Officer, what again now, I have promised to buy you petrol, diesel,bitumen and even help you recharge the battery of your gun, what else do you need?

CORPORAL:We no fit just come anyhow like that, we go need consult our ‘spiritual specialist’

RANDOM GUY: Officer, spiritual specialist? Who is that?

CORPORAL: Na, our official babalawo wey dey prepare us for operation

RANDOM GUY: A babalawo! This is getting out of hand! You do realize that this is a matter of national security, don’t you?

CORPORAL: (Mocking him) See your mouth like national security, na you be President?

RANDOM GUY: Look if you don’t show up here, I will query you!

CORPORAL: Safe Journey! Make I give you transport money?

RANDOM GUY: I am speechless!

CORPORAL: Ehn, you must be Michael Jackson na! Oga go sleep jo!

RANDOM GUY: So that’s it? You’re not coming? That’s all?

CORPORAL: Actually Oga e never finish, e get something wey I wan ask you.

RANDOM GUY: And what is that?

CORPORAL: I wan do midnight call, you fit send me credit?

Random guy hangs up and Osama gets away…