by Cheta Nwanze

I wanna be a Senator so freaking bad. Buy all of the things I never had. I wanna be on the cover of, ThisDay Style, smiling next to Patience and Jona. Cos every time I close my eyes, I see myself in shining lights, a different ashi every night oh, oh I swear, Naija better prepare, for when I’m a Senator…

There’s a chap I know, not a Senator. Very industrious chap, so he can’t be a Senator. We went to school together, so he definitely isn’t a Senator. What impresses me the most about him is his work ethic, which means he doesn’t qualify for two month breaks three times a year. Once he puts his mind to learn something, he will learn it, quite unlike some lazy hacks who would rather write long epistles criticising others, and making moves to become a Senator. On this chap’s most recent visit to Lagos, he displayed a data entry and management system that he designed from bottom up. Being that I had a little experience in these sorts of things before deciding that writing long epistles criticising others was more enjoyable, I can tell you for free that his data management system is world class. Now consider that he is relatively new to application development, having spent the last few years solely on web development, then you’d understand that he has done something quite commendable. And there are many others like him. Problem is that in this country, with our love for all things foreign, we’d rather pay the extravagant sum of N81.7 billions for a system which according to an economist that would know, simply does not work.

Of course our national waste is not limited to all things IT. Why, it penetrates the hallowed walls of our legislature as well. Thus it is that in times when some government officials have told us that we will need to tighten our belts, our illustrious gavels have failed to do that. On the contrary, they are loosening up to accommodate ever growing pot bellies. As it were, their pay is rising at a rate that is faster than the country’s capital expenditure. The 2013 budget of N4.99 trillion is equal to an average of N30,063 per Nigerian a year or N82 per day for every Nigerian. The N150 billion 2013 budget for the National Assembly – made up of 469 members (109 Senators and 360 members of the House of Representatives) – is however equivalent to N319.8 million per legislator per year, or N876,712 per day. I’m in the wrong profession.

Speaking of Senators, one of our rather rich gavels had a chat with Kaduna state’s number one boy in black on Saturday. You see, Senator Yerima left his yong wife at home with her toys, sashayed over to the FRCN in Kaduna and told the good people of Kaduna that if Nigeria’s new Armoured Personnel Carrier was not duly registered by INEC, there would be another Tahrir Square here in Nigeria. A number of points I’d like to draw from this: first, as #OccupyNigeria has proved, Nigerians are incapable of a Tahrir Square. Fela’s Sorrow, Tears and Blood springs to mind, so those who called the CP were just having a jerk of their knees. Secondly, the Kaduna CP showed the proper respect to the offices of the Senator, by going to ask him for his side of the story. If it were me that had run my mouth like that on radio… never mind, I will be a Senator one day.

One thing I’d make sure of when I become a Senator is to stay there for ever. You see, all the paraphernalia of being in office, such as policemen treating you with respect will remain. Remember Ali Ndume? Madam Due Process can tell you better about harassment if you run your mouth after leaving office. One of her former aides will be answering hot questions later today about his alleged role as a leaking pipe…

Bits and bobs

Our biggest gavel is giving us a lesson or two in basic Economics. When there is no demand, there will be no supply, of stolen crude.

If you are planning to be a governor after the next election cycle, start watching the accounts of your state now. They are digging a hole for you.

The Lagos blazer took a tour of the market that caught fire a few days ago. Hmm, this fire business looks a better way of moving traders than using bulldozers.

For Michael, in Ogun, the only downside of masturbation is wasted sperm. Being able to sell the seed is pure bliss.

Nick Okoh, one of Nigeria’s main friars, has warned Nigerian Christians about greed and other assorted vices. Ignoring the doctrines which specify that “God is not a God of poor people”, Okoh quoted assorted Bible verses to press home his point. Two things wrong with his sermon: first, it should have been made at the Three Arms Zone in Abuja, second, I don’t get why he is quoting the Bible for people who don’t understand it in the first place.

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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.