by Ifeanyi Dike Jr

 I once told my primary school teacher, my house burnt down with my homework in it. 

When has the truth ever set anyone free? I’ll tell you – never! Whether it’s lying to your friends about your garage full of Hummers or lying to your boss about how your wife had a miscarriage scare, hence your lateness to work, it simply takes a brilliant lie to get you off the hook. Surely, you cannot tell your boss you woke up late, the only freedom you’ll see then is joblessness.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate. But, I have guidelines – I lie only when I’m sure the truth will never see light of day. When they are inconsequential and will be forgotten instantly. Or like Abraham for Sarah, to save my sorry ass (God overlooks this kind). I once told my primary school teacher, my house burnt down with my homework in it.

My Grandma, however, is a liar hater. ‘God hates liars the most,’ she says. For a spontaneous liar like me, it’s hard to hang with Granny because she sucks out the fun and takes you on a guilt trip you have to attend mostly because it’s rude to walk out on your granny. But to be fair, she is equally hilarious and for this, I love to hang with her as much as I hate to.

Yesterday for example, the queue at the Virgin Atlantic counter was unbearable.

‘Look at these people,’ she said as she pulled me from the back of the line. ‘They have no respect for old age. Let’s go to the front.’ She meant it. I was simultaneously shocked and amused.

After plenty hassle, I was thankful to finally leave granny in the lounge while I strolled around, stylishly looking for whom to engage in an airport romance. I cannot be the only one who fantasizes about an airport romance where you meet someone, from a different country (If you are lucky) and hit it off and hopefully, on in the destination country after which you never have to see each other again. No back stories, nothing! I find this strangely enticing. Across the hall from me was a fair-skinned beauty with all the specifications of the sort of person you’d like to have such a fling with – so hot that it’s entirely worth it.

Talking to her was easy. You know –the type that did not think much of a gentleman looking only to have a decent conversation. She was responsive even if she only just nodded and responded with mono-syllables. So I thought, perhaps, she was getting bored and it was time to turn up the heat.

‘Cute blazer,’ I said

‘Thank you, nice shirt. Is it Primark?’

‘Uhm. No!” I rebuked quickly.

‘What’s wrong with Primark? I love Primark. My blazer is from Primark,’ she smiled as much as she was defensive.

‘I don’t know. It’s just cheap and common.’ When my shirt was in fact, Primark, along with a bulk of my clothes.

‘So you’ve never been to Primark?’ She asked skeptically.

She was unto me. Back-down Ifeanyi.

‘No, I have. I accompanied my friend one time but I couldn’t stand it.’

Now understand that, all this was an effort to be cool and maybe get a quick smooch.

‘Right, so where do you shop?’

‘Well, Urban Outfitters, Zara, those kinda stores.’

‘I see, nice. Listen I have to get to my gate now. Good to meet you.’

How clever, she did not leave any room to exchange contact details. And it’s not like I was interested anyway.

Weeks later, I was enjoying a good summer shopping and I of course, walked into my favourite store, Primark.

‘Boy, won’t it be embarrassing if the girl at the airport was here shopping as well’.

Thankfully, I was already in the queue, ready to burst out before the devil manifests and she magically shows up.

I placed my heap of clothes on the counter, then suddenly; someone called my attention. It was the supervisor.

‘Hi,’ she said, more enthusiastic than when we first met.

‘Let me get that,’ she said to the rep serving me.

Imagine the delight on her face. All the while, she did not take her eyes off me, humming with joy as if I had just made her day.

‘So, you don’t do Primark huh?’ She asked as she stifled laughter.

Lost for a comeback, I took a sudden interest in my phone.

‘See you next time,’ she said smiling, as I made for the exit.

Whatever! Everyone knows that she bleaches!

 

Editor’s note: Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.