Monkey Business: Don’t bore us – get to the Chorus!

by Ifeanyi Dike Jr

God knows the number of lies I’ve told this year to employers and class reps just to keep up with my schedule. From cancer scares to asthma attacks and therapy sessions, I had faked it all.

Occasionally, I take time off my busy schedule to attend classes. Particularly hectic is filming popular TV soap, Tinsel where I play Titan, a superstar madly in love with a village girl, Salewa. The only way I’ve been able to make this work is by maintaining an invincible persona. The lecturers (doctors) barely know me, that way I can be in or out whenever need be.

On Friday, we began a new rotation and my colleagues forewarned me against my usual tactics. ‘In this rotation’, they said, ‘the lecturers see, know and engage every student’. This meant that I had to account for my absence in the past week. God knows the number of lies I’ve told this year to employers and class reps just to keep up with my schedule. From cancer scares to asthma attacks and therapy sessions, I had faked it all. However, when lying to doctors, one had to be cautious. They knew quite a lot and did not hesitate to drill you on the details of an illness. Also, they easily detected forged sick reports. But of course, I had that covered.  You see, my father is a doctor and he owns a hospital so I always had access to legit sick reports forms.

When we resumed on Friday, my classmates were right. The doctor noticed me in an instant. Luckily, she fell for my sick report. In fact, she said she had seen me sometime last week but was unsure when or where. Surely, God was on my side, assisting in seeing this lie through. All was well in heaven and the consulting room.

But not for long.

She began an impromptu quiz. I was thoroughly unprepared for this rotation so naturally, I was anxious, But I continued nodding in same rhythm as my classmates just to blend in, hoping she would run out before it got to my turn or for some miraculous reason, skip me.

No such luck.

She pounced on me as though she was saving the best for last, eager to hear whatever I had to say. The first few seconds, I spent squirming, looking for answers on the ceiling and running around the edges.  My sick report stated that I had done a chest scan regarding my asthma. I learnt everything about asthma and even brought an inhaler.

‘I’m sure you know all about asthma’ she said ‘so I’ll ask you something else’. You should have seen the smirk on her face, certain that I’ll -at best- mumble jargons.

After spending some time repeating the same thing, she cut in –

‘Look we’re bored. Don’t bore me with irrelevances. Give me details. Get to the chorus’!

Luckily, a patient walked in and saved us all from another minute of nonsense. I could quickly search for the answer while she was busy with doc. See? God was on my side.

Wrong.

The patient yelled in excitement and a thick Igbo accent – ‘Tinsel boy’

My collages instantaneously burst into fits of laughter.

‘How is Salewa’?

I did not know how exactly to respond, whether to indulge a fan or signal her to keep quiet.

‘What are you doing here, does Tinsel film in Benin, or are you not Titan’?

‘Ehen! I knew I had seen you on Tinsel but I did not think you’d have the audacity to pull that off. Go ahead, answer your fan’ – the doctor added sarcastically.

‘Salewa is fine ma’

‘Good, so you are a doctor too, that’s impressive. Must be hard to combine’

‘I try’

‘Good, keep it up but remember, school first’

‘Yes ma, thank you’.

Even her laughter was heavy with the accent. All the while, I was flustered, praying for the floor to open-up and swallow me. As she left, the doctor faced me. ‘So last week, you were in Lagos kissing Salewa in the garden and then you bring me a bogus sick report’.

‘N –n-o ma’, remorsefully.

After class, when she was leaving, I thought -thank God- it was over. Until she turned back at the door and said ‘meet me at the Dean’s Office in an hour, you have plenty explaining to do’.

Comments (11)

  1. LOLLLLLLLLLLLLL……………………AKOBA ADABA……MAY GOD NOT LET SUCH SPOILERS COME OUR WAY.

  2. LOLLLLLLLLLLLLL……………………AKOBA ADABA……MAY GOD NOT LET SUCH SPOILERS COME OUR WAY.

  3. haha…sory God and lie don't match…:P

  4. Loool, Jr, your life is a little deja vu…you know, like the American comedy show, Hannah Montana…don't worry, just try to get the best of both worlds. 🙂

  5. Nyc 1!doe ur actin n doctorin actin gonna b easy,wat were u even tinkin! Best ov luck sha!n hurry up wit wat happened at d deans office abeg

  6. Can't stop laffing….Ifeanyi o!!abeg give us part 2!=))º°˚˚˚°ºнaĦaнaº°˚˚˚°º‎​=))

  7. I'm hoping she also doesn't read YNaija or ul be in soup!!! Lol..best clinic experience eva but u 4got to add d bit wit doc Oj&ur sexy percussion notes;not to talk bout d bracelets..lmao

    Eagerly awaiting Deans office/Dr Od**'s bit 😉

  8. ℓ☺ℓ, nice one…but I think the best part of dis story wuda been wat happened in the dean's office

  9. lol Ifeanyi, i guess God wasnt on ur side afterall

  10. Great job u r doing my guy,but u know i would love to hear the remaining part of this story any how i can…..laughing seriously here mehn…..Goodluck

  11. hahaha… big fan of Tinsel here. but how on earth does he expect to cope with medecine and acting? from what I hear, medecine is a big chore on itself. best of luck sha.

    http://www.naijasites.com.ng – bringing you all the gists from Nigerian websites/blogs in one place

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