by Ifeanyi Dike Jr

Moments later, my tongue began to itch and my face gradually reddened and swelled. The last time I felt this sick was the first time I ate pineapple.

Everyone at the studio is well aware of my pineapple allergy. I had clearly stated that pineapple and its relations were the bane of my existence. No one was to bring anything remotely pineapplish within 5 feet of me. And it had absolutely nothing to do with being a diva.

In fact, those tales about ‘the talent’ aka people who work in front of camera such as actors, models and musicians being such divas and the people back stage tirelessly slaving to meet their every need are not entirely true. As a TV host and the star of my own hit show, well aware of all the backstage palava, I can tell you for free that the opposite is quite the case, especially in a country where common disrespect is a leading cause of brawls and black eyes.

However, some of us talents are polite, punctual and pretentious. You see, like regular people, we talk behind people’s backs rather than insult them to their faces. Basically, behind-the-scene folks are as dramatic as the talent(s).

On the set of my show for example, the crew-members use the phrase ‘pack your s**t’ amidst themselves in reference to talents or guests on the show. It’s a way to say ‘do it yourself’ whenever they were asked to do something they thought was beyond their job description and in a tone that sounded slightly officious, even if it didn’t. Most times, these tasks were not truly beyond them. Quite simply, they anticipated diva behaviour and prepared to take on whomever, even if unnecessary.  After all, they have been around, working on the show for years now, and you only just came on board so whether you were a budding star or not was not their cup of tea. They were equally important and they guarded their territory so.

However today, nothing was going to bother me. I had only three hours to spare on set. Unluckily, Jennifer the slow make-up artiste was on duty. You know, I always thought she disliked me and I honestly did not care. For the umpteenth time, Jennifer had refused to wipe my face before or after shoots. She insisted wipes were not on her budget even when I could see a pack of wipes sitting on the dresser. When I reached for it so I could help myself, she argued begrudgingly –

‘Please bring your own wipes next time; these are my personal ones.’

Already frustrated, I responded –

‘Then request for wipes or am I supposed to go around with a pack of wipes just in case you are the one on duty. Others do not give me this grief.’

‘Well, it’s not on my budget,’ she answered in slapdash fashion.

I had had enough and decided to report to the boss. He came raging, insisting that she apologised. Her apology was clearly insincere but I didn’t care, provided she apologised.

We’ve been friendly ever since and today she understood that my time was awfully limited so she picked pace and even offered me a cake. During the make-up session though, I could smell pineapple and understandably, so; the crew had pineapple for dessert.

But even after I got on set, I could smell it still, almost as if it was directly under my nose. Moments later, my tongue began to itch and my face gradually reddened and swelled. The last time I felt this sick was the first time I ate pineapple. The symptoms escalated in minutes. Obviously, my face was required for filming so we had to wait until symptoms disappeared and this could take up to12 hours after an allergy shot.

This meant that I would eventually miss my flight and consequently, ruin my Easter plans. Surely, somebody had sabotaged me. The only person I came in close contact with was Jennifer and even though she sympathized with me during my allergic episode, I could sense she was enjoying it. In fact, I was convinced she did it but there was no way to prove this. Nevertheless, I’ll play along and act oblivious to the fact but I will surely make her pay one way or another. Just ask Janice.

 

Editor’s note: Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

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