by Ifeanyi Dike Jr

Last year, she met Tuface, Mai and Banky W through me, and spontaneously began to weep as though she already readied the tears for whenever she ran into them.

My sister, Lotanna Dike is a lunatic and I wouldn’t have it any other way. She thinks the same of me, even though I’m older than her and uphold the power to punish her in the absence of my parents. It is for this reason, that we have awkward conversations, endless comical escapades and boundless fun. Whether it’s the neighbour’s kid that looks like an arse or an aunty whose rural behaviour, we cannot comprehend, there is always something to make fun of – and we love it.

Lotanna has always been an attention seeker even when she didn’t know it. She is the star of her own reality show in which we all merely feature. In her eyes and those of the two people who came together to form her, she is the light of the world. I say, she just duplicates my every move and shines from my glory.

Yearly, when we were younger, she would kneel and weep before the TV during Easter as she watched the crucifixion just so people bothered and she could explain what undying love she had for Jesus. Now she denies it but I have pictures with which I will one day make a fortune.

That was of course crocodile tears. The same ones she used to disarm people for their goods and services which she still does now but without the crying.

With such an innocent demeanour, no one suspected that this 7year old was brimming with mischief. This is why she was the perfect endorsement for our little neighbourhood scam where we forged donation slips and paraded the neighbourhood for gullible or plain kind adults to make donations to our ‘Save a Child Foundation’. We wouldn’t have made a dime if it wasn’t for our master manipulator and her charm. I also have photos of this Lotanna, don’t you dare deny it.

We have since then run countless scams together, all of which have been adequately successful.

One would think the days of false weeping were long gone since we did not celebrate Easter holidays any longer.

One would be horribly mistaking.

Last year, she met Tuface, Mai and Banky W through me, and spontaneously began to weep as though she already readied the tears for whenever she ran into them.

Crying and mumbling – ‘I love you guys’.

Imagine my disgust for someone who cannot tell you the name of another Banky W song other than ‘Strong Thing’ or when Tuface last had an album out.

We will revisit the many misbehaviours of Lotanna later. For now however, I’ve compiled some of my favourite brother and sister blackberry conversations.

See how it’s all Lotanna’s fault, all the freaking time –