by ‘Jola Sotubo

“Looking back now, I realize, with all due modesty… I was perfect just as I was.”

The Martians and I…

My relationship with the opposite sex began at a tender age. For those who’ve never heard the expression “Men are from Mars and women are from Venus”, “Martians” here means men. Rumor has it that when I was in kindergarten, there was a little boy I liked and that I was constantly trying to go home with him instead of in my own parents’ car. Our mothers called each other “in-law” until recently. It was a family joke.

I got into secondary school at a very young age so by the time my peers were into boys, I was still just a kid. However I felt left out. It was around this point in my life that I picked up the idea that without a man, a woman’s life is pointless and so at the tender age of 13, I had my first boyfriend.

It wasn’t a relationship actually, it was just puppy love. We wrote little notes to each other and stared at each other, speechless most of the time. We barely saw each other though and so it ended almost as quickly as it had begun.

I went to an all girls school so the only boys we were exposed to were the ones from other schools who came around for activities. By this time, a lot of my classmates had paired with some of such boys and I decided that it was time to find a boy of my own so I entered a beauty pageant.

On the day in question, one of my outfits included a leather skirt that was two sizes too small. When I walked in and heard the exclamations, I was satisfied that I had gotten the attention I sought. This was it, I was gonna get a boyfriend. However, the only feedback I got from that pageant was a one sentence message to “Contestant Number 10″. They didn’t even remember my name.

After secondary school, I hooked up with a guy from my neighborhood. He became an obsession. Unfortunately for me, we were too different. I was an over protected, overweight and insecure teenager and he was a man about town. By the time it was over, my heart and my self esteem were in pieces. It was a downward spiral from there.

I got into university and that was where I met James (not his real name). On our first “date”, we had Eba and Egusi. His reason was that we ( meaning he), had been eating a lot of rice and so it didn’t make sense to order rice which was why he ordered Eba, for both of us.

Next was Isaac. He didn’t even bother asking me out. I mean, after all, this is the 21st century, who does that anymore? The day after we met, he tried to talk me into going with him to a hotel in a village near school. Hey, you can’t blame the guy for trying.

One time, we were in a fairly crowded place and all of a sudden, he pressed against my back, obviously trying to pretend that the crowd was pushing against him. Like Seriously?! Dude, I’m 17, not stupid! Jeez!

After failing to convince me to go with him to a hotel, he disappeared for a while. When he reappeared in front of my hostel one day, he looked like he’d just been beaten and like he was being chased. That was when my mother’s “eleda” whispered in my ear, “You this foolish “alakoba” girl, you’ve forgotten the daughter of whom you are abi?” Naïve as I was then, even I knew that this was no boyfriend, rather, this was a rape and a murder waiting to happen. That was the last time I saw him.

Next in line was Bassey. Unknown to me, Bassey had a live-in girlfriend. Turns out that the house I had been visiting him in was actually his friend’s house. I decided to pay him a surprise visit on my birthday. I was the one who ended up being surprised. I spent my birthday alone in a crappy fast food place in the middle of nowhere.

The last but not the least was Lanre. It took him almost 2 years to convince me to go out with him. After all this craziness, can you blame me? Lanre really wasn’t my type but I finally accepted because I didn’t wanna be alone anymore. Lanre was good to me at first, our only problem in the beginning was his crazy ex.

One time, I went to visit him in school and she pounced on me and ripped my top apart (I thought that kinda stuff only happened on Africa Magic). I would’ve laughed if I wasn’t too busy trying to keep my frontal apparatus from being exposed to the whole world. Luckily for me, it was at night so darling husband-to-be, my dowry remains yams and not potatoes, thank you very much.

However, as time went on, Lanre started to take me for granted. He didn’t call as much and he suddenly assumed that I could read his mind and so he didn’t need to say the three magic words anymore.

Most importantly though, I realized that we had nothing in common. We had almost nothing to say to each other and I was actually planning to marry this dude. I’d finally realized that I deserved better and so I mustered all my courage and ended the 2 year relationship.

Looking back now, I realize, with all due modesty, in fact with no modesty at all, that none of those guys was good enough for me, yet time after time, I let them batter and bruise my heart and my ego. I became everything they wanted me to be, like a frigging chameleon, when in actual fact, I was perfect just as I was. Heck, I could’ve graced the cover of a magazine. It might have been the cover of “Obesity Weekly” but it’s a magazine, isn’t it?

This is not a pity party. The emotional knocks and blows I’ve taken have played a large part in making me the strong woman I am today. I do not wish them upon anyone but I’m glad for them. Experience, they say, is the best teacher.

I’m writing this, just in case there’s a 13-year-old girl somewhere about to get into a “relationship” because she’s feeling left out. Sweetheart, you’re perfect. You don’t need a boy to be complete. You have your whole life ahead of you. There’s more than enough time to deal with relationship drama. Enjoy your freedom while it lasts.

As for the rest of us females, we need to remember that we are complete and whole human beings. That man does not validate you. He’s just the icing on the cake. Don’t get me wrong, men are great. They give amazing hugs and its always better to walk the journey of life with a companion especially if you have a good one. Just don’t lose yourself in him, don’t build your life around him. Don’t make him your everything because he is human and he WILL fail and if you make him everything and he walks away, you’ll be left with… Nothing

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‘Jola Sotubo is a lawyer, photographer, writer and music enthusiast and she is just getting started. She believes that life is about constantly challenging the status quo and never settling for less. She tweets from @JolaSotubo.

30 Days, 30 Voices series is an opportunity for young Nigerians from across the world to share their stories and experiences – creating a meeting point where our common humanity is explored.

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija