by Brooke Dean

If you haven’t fully considered the emotional ramifications of having sex with a man who may not share or reciprocate your feelings, then you may have some regrets if you have sex prematurely.

I know it may be hard for some cynics to believe, but there are still virgins out there over the age of 21. However, no matter your age, having sex for the very first time can be nerve-racking, if not downright scary. While sex is a natural thing, there are so many unknowns if you’ve never done it before that can make someone anxious or afraid. Losing your virginity is not something to take lightly, so if you’re on the fence about having your cherry popped, here are some things to consider before having sex for the very first time.

1. ARE YOU OKAY WITH IT SPIRITUALLY?

For some, remaining a virgin until marriage is choice based on religious beliefs. However, temptation is all around us, so if you’re considering having sex because you’re in love and think you’ve already found your future husband, be sure you’re okay with it spiritually. There is nothing wrong with having high moral standards and there is nothing wrong with changing your mind and deciding to have sex if you feel you’re ready. Just be sure to truly consult your soul before you have sex. You don’t want to feel ashamed afterwards because you feel you gave in to sins of the flesh.

2. ARE YOU REALLY READY?

Spirituality aside, are you emotionally and mentally ready to have sex? For most women, sex and emotions cannot be separated – it’s how we’re wired. We release a bonding chemical called oxytocin during sex that can leave us catching feelings if we’re not too careful. If you’re not sure if he is worthy of the honor of deflowering you, or if you’re not clear of your feelings towards him, you should wait. Sex should feel special between both partners, especially for the first time – not like just something to do or get it over with. If you haven’t fully considered the emotional ramifications of having sex with a man who may not share or reciprocate your feelings, then you may have some regrets if you have sex prematurely.

3. DO YOU FEEL PRESSURED?

Having sex shouldn’t be anyone else’s decision but your own, and anyone who cares for you will want to make sure that you’re having sex because you want to. Sex is not a way to prove your love or loyalty; if your man (or woman) is pressuring you to have sex as a way to prove something to him (or her), this person is not worthy of such a precious gift. Your partner should respect your wishes until you’re BOTH ready to engage in this type of intimacy and if he doesn’t or gives some type of ultimatum…RUN. Don’t have sex because all of your friends are doing it or because they tease you about still being a virgin. Sex doesn’t make you grown, so if you’re not ready you’re simply not ready.

4. DO YOU KNOW YOUR BODY?

You’d be surprised how many women don’t know how their bodies work sexually. Do you know what a hymen is? Have you considered that you might bleed or have an allergic reaction to latex? Have you considered how your body might react – pain, discomfort, etc? This isn’t meant to scare you, but simply to suggest you do your research. Read a medical periodical, consult Planned Parenthood or Google any questions you have about women and how their bodies respond during intercourse so that you can make an informed decision on whether or not sex is something you’re physically up to. If you fell asleep during Sex Education in school, you’ll need to know what goes where, how your body could react, what is “normal” and what isn’t so that you can ease any anxiety you may be feeling about having sex for the first time. Doing your research could also help to debunk any silly myths you may have heard about losing your virginity. There’s no such thing as “too much” information when it comes to making such a big decision.

5. ARE YOU COMFORTABLE WITH YOUR OWN SEXUALITY?

Now that you know how your body will react from a anatomical standpoint, now it’s time to learn how your body will react from a pleasurable standpoint. Do you know how to please yourself? Do you know what you like, what you don’t like, what arouses you or what turns you off? You may want to spend some “alone time” with yourself so that you can feel comfortable with your own sexuality. Having sex for the first time can be an intense experience leaving you feeling nervous and anxious, so trying to become relaxed enough to actually enjoy it may be difficult. If you’re comfortable with your own body and sexuality, it’ll be easier to “let loose,” so to speak, and you’ll be able to communicate with your partner to ensure that you have an enjoyable first experience. Get comfortable touching yourself and seeing how your body responds so that there won’t be any surprises.

6. HAVE YOU DISCUSSED IT WITH YOUR PARTNER?

Speaking of communicating with your partner, have you discussed losing your virginity with him? If he is not a virgin, he could feel a bit pressured and nervous about being your first. Some men feel a great sense of responsibility when it comes to being the first man a woman ever has sex with, mainly because he knows that he has to live up to the expectation that she deemed him worthy of such an honor. While there are some jerks who just want to brag about popping her cherry, there are some men who are sensitive to what that means to a woman who is hoping to save herself for that special guy.  If he loves you, he’ll want to make sure you’re totally secure in your decision. Whether you will be each other’s firsts or not, your partner should be focused on making the experience a good one for both of you; this means discussing your fears, your trust issues, your expectations of what happens AFTER you have sex and erasing any doubts you may have about losing your virginity. Be as honest as possible with him and pay attention to his reaction. If he doesn’t seem concerned or takes it as seriously as you do, you may want to reconsider. However, if he is considerate and caring, then hopefully you won’t have any regrets in your choice of a first time sexual partner.

7. HAVE YOU SPOKEN WITH YOUR DOCTOR?

If you are deciding to become sexually active, it’s a good idea to discuss birth control with your doctor before you have sex. Find out about all of your options for contraception and if there are any medical side-effects you should know about, especially if you’re on some other kind of medication that could interfere with any other hormones.  Some women also may want to investigate getting an HPV vaccine which is usually only available to women who are not yet sexually active. If you are considering this vaccine, you will want to talk to your doctor about if you are eligible for it before having sex. At any rate, you should want to speak to your gynecologist about any concerns you may have before you become sexually active. Always be honest with your doctor so that he or she can give you the best care possible. It may not be a comfortable conversation but it’s a necessary one, and your doctor only wants to help you stay sexually healthy.

8. ARE YOU STOCKED UP ON PROTECTION?

There are enough things to worry about when it comes to losing your virginity, so don’t let the thought of getting pregnant or contracting an STI (sexually transmitted infection) be one of them. Just because you’re a virgin doesn’t mean your partner is, so make sure you ask him to get tested for any STI’s first before you have sex.  Yes, ask your partner to get tested even if you’re going to use a condom (which is highly advisable). If you aren’t allergic to it, make sure you use condoms that are latex. If you’re using a lubricant be sure to use a water-based one, not an oil-based lubricant since it can tear the condom. Even if you are using birth control pills, backup contraception can help you to be less anxious about getting pregnant. The less stress you experience when having sex for the first time, the better.

9. ARE YOUR EXPECTATIONS TOO HIGH?

Some women think fireworks will explode and angels will come down from the heavens the first time they have sex. While some have very legitimate fears about pain and disappointment, others think their first time will be magical. It can be but more often than not, the first time won’t be your best sexual experience ever. Also, if you think having sex with the guy that you’ve already managed to fall in love with will make him fall in love with you , think again. As stated before, sex isn’t necessarily a declaration of a person’s love and affection – he could simply want to have sex with no intention of making you his girlfriend, his wife or saying “I love you.” Sex is a way to bring couples closer, but sex doesn’t always equal intimacy. Losing your virginity is a personal choice, and you shouldn’t feel stressed, pressured or guilty about doing it. Losing your virginity should be approached with an assured, well thought out, positive attitude that brings you closer to your partner and a step towards personal growth. If you have any conditions or unrealistic expectations attached to losing your virginity, then you shouldn’t do it.

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Read this article in Madame Noire

 

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.