by HD

‘Love and money, go together like bee and honey…’

This is me singing as I am listening to this talk show, and the question is whether money matters if there is love. I say ‘duh’! Of course money matters! If you don’t believe that, just check out how quickly a frowning woman becomes a smiling one when money comes (and vice versa) and also how the slump to a man’s shoulders and his dejected walk becomes a swagger when there is money!

Guys are calling in to the show to say that if money really matters, then it will be impossible to tell if a woman loves you for who you are. They give testimonies of how a woman stuck with them through thin (as there was no thick) and supported them and they eventually married the woman and everything is now thick.

The women call in to complain of how they stuck with a man through thin and supported him only to be dumped once the man was back on the thick; or that they eventually married him and guess what? They are still supporting him and carrying the home years later.

Mary tells her story.

She dated a man – young, handsome, kind and good – who had no job. He had a little business which used to bring in little, little money, but she was not complaining. He shared the little he had with her and they had love. When necessary, she added hers to the table and they were happy. Soon after, the man’s business died but she was not bothered. They had love and he had all the reason to get back on his own two feet – a woman who loved him, a law degree and a very intelligent mind.

So she supported him. Fed, cleaned and without asking or being asked, gave him access to her money. She paid for his necessities and lent him money for his excesses. He never paid her back… One year on, he still had no job and was a bit frustrated. It was like the lack of money had dried up his creative juices, threatening to ruin the relationship. If Mary did not suggest an activity for the two of them, he seemed to have nothing to contribute. Soon she was not only supporting him, she was supporting the relationship.

He acted as if he was not worthy to run the relationship since he did not have finances coming in at all. His ego was bruised. Mary tried to make sure he was never without and never embarrassed for lack of funds, and he got comfortable with that and soon began to feel entitled. When Mary would call him at 10 am on a Monday morning to find out how his day was going, he would not be out job-hunting, he was either on the beach meditating and communing with nature or still at home, ‘planning’.  While planning, he was also consuming large amounts of alcohol and doing nothing. Then he began to feel resentful. Surely Mary could afford to give him more than she was currently doing. He started stealing from her. By this time it was getting on two years. Mary had had enough. She dumped him. Marriage to him would not be any different.

Should she have stayed with him? No way! Does money matter? Hell yes! If the next man showed up with ‘thin’ (for the time being), would she happily date him? Can you then assume Mary is a gold digger?

Did Joe start out wanting to fleece Mary? No way! In his own way, he was a victim.When all the self doubt hits a man, he can hardly control the scourge his ego takes – it turns him into something he would never have imagined himself! A man’s ego naturally needs him to be able to beat his chest and say ‘I provided’! Joe no longer thought himself worthy.

The way you handle money matters is a powerful factor which affects relationships and can lead to conflict and break ups. More often than not though, it is accompanied by an underlying problem of miscommunication and lack of trust. When these are dealt with immaturely, it’s only a matter of time to the death of the relationship…money or no money.

Oluwapelumi