Opinion: How much will you sell 2015 last?

by Raymond Inkabi

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The dream I had the other day, inspired me to write this. I dreamt that a hawker was trying to sell me. He was carrying me on his head, walking up and down shouting: “President for sale! Second-hand president for sale! Nearly new President for sale!” And passing drivers stopped and asked how much I cost. 

Why is it that all over our beloved country, hawkers are in so much trouble? In state after state, in city after city, they are being hunted, trailed, treated as nondescript and driven off the streets – in this case, forced to go underground. Their kiosks and make-shift stalls are being destroyed and their goods confiscated. From Ibadan to Lagos, from Jos to Postikum, from Edo to Kano, from Abuja to Calabar,and so forth, street vendors are suddenly being treated like scum. They are accused of blocking the traffic, dirtying the streets and ruining the serenity of the environment. I simply cannot understand it.

Me, I love hawkers. They are extremely responsible and loving people, with very limited means. I love them because they don’t want to depend on any government, fifty thousand naira monthly allowance, 5million Naira speeches or anything to do with traditional titles. They want to do their own thing. We shouldn’t dampen their spirits. What these people need is proper management, orientation and organisation. Show them that we care, accept and appreciate what their contribution to the economy is and they will come out and give their very best. I mean they are not dummies, voltrons or cynics. They are human beings.

And just to think of it from a selfish point of view. A man or woman scratching a living selling on the street is far less trouble than an unemployed lout on the street, demanding the government feed him, or some daily ritualistic gathering of some sorts at squares inciting revolts and discontent.

If I hadn’t had “I too knows” around me, that’s the job I would have chosen. Lots of fresh air, good comradeship, a rare chance to meet, snap and befriend President Goodluck Jonathan, Dangote, Wizkid, 2face, Davido and Dbanj and others as they drive past. And who knows, one day fortune may smile and the sale of a handful of groundnuts could be the step up the ladder of untold pay checks.

And from the buyer’s point of view, the more hawkers there are the better. Oh yes! The Bible talks about the heart of man being really wicked! I mean have you noticed that you can always find a hawker selling something you want for less than the one before. Drive along any urbane area and start bargaining for kerosene, for instance, and see how the price comes down. So it goes to prove that if you look long enough, you will eventually find a hawker who’ll give a gallon of kerosene for nothing. (Especially if you tell him you’re the governor and you’ll send the policeman to beat him up if he doesn’t.) Or by letting him you’re even a lawyer who would stop at nothing to prosecute for his crime – refusing to sell to you at a low price.  All you need to achieve this feat is by just adding “of the 1999 constitution” at the end of everything you’ve said to him so far.

In fact I’m coming to think that hawking should be compulsory. Let’s cut out all this “free education for all” nonsense and go for five years free, compulsory hawking. That should sharpen the kids’ minds. That should improve their attitudes. That will stop them from sitting in grand halls and classrooms debating what good governance and democracy are. And they’d soon learn some proper maths wouldn’t they? Our country would then need no economic expert to tell her the rate at which she’s running. For example, “If it takes three hours to sell a mudu of garri, and the president, governors and traditional rulers eat twenty mudus for breakfast, twenty-five for lunch, and thirty for supper… how many hawkers does it take to feed the governors, traditional rulers with their wives for five years?” they would soon be able to make that kind of calculation, even without being to Harvard.

And another thing is that all these under aged hawkers will need things to sell. So they’ll be screaming and shouting at their mums and dads to get into the fields and grow more tomatoes, yams and cassava. Pressure will mount on Alaba, and Aba. Onitsha too will definitely have insomnia. All in a bid to satisfy these hawkers, so that they have something to take to the market. Food production will go up, prices will go down even more and you and I will be pleased, and we would be able to afford more and better guns and tanks to make sure that we are all safe.

The dream I had the other day, inspired me to write this. I dreamt that a hawker was trying to sell me. He was carrying me on his head, walking up and down shouting: “President for sale! Second-hand president for sale! Nearly new President for sale!” And passing drivers stopped and asked how much I cost. And there was a good deal of head shaking and laughing. Some drivers poked me and pinched me and murmured, “too skinny, too old, too dirty,” and drove off. At the end of the day, no-one had bought me and the hawker took me down a side road and dumped me in a ditch. He then peed on me, spat, blocked me on twitter and left me to die. I can’t quite interpret the meaning of this dream. Perhaps, I need marabouts from Mali, Senegal and Chad to help me out. But first of all, I need to wake up. Hush! Please did I just hear 2015 for sale!?

 

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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

 

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