by Olaoluwa Oni

You must conclude your article by dropping dark hints about Osinbajo’s known affiliations to Asiwaju Ahmed Tinubu, a leading figure in the political party whose vice presidency ticket Osinbajo carries.

Following the publicized and televised announcement by General Buhari of his vice presidential running mate and Prof. Yemi Osinbajo’s acceptance of the vice-presidential position, the political sphere exploded. Nobody saw it coming. And journalists scrambled to weigh in on the issue.

There is now a desperate need to guide the ever increasing bandwagon of writers who apparently, absolutely have to speak to the issue. This is my failsafe guide on how to write about Yemi Osinbajo’s vice-presidential candidacy.

First, and this is absolutely important, so pay close attention. Spell his name wrongly- Oshinbajo, Osibajo, Osinbanjo- anything that makes people understand that you are too busy as a writer to be bothered with little details like proper spelling. In fact, to better drive home the point of your busy work schedule, misspell the name differently at different points in your article. In Paragraph one, call him Oshinbajo and in paragraph two, call him Osibajo.

How else will your readers appreciate the value of your time? They certainly can’t expect you to do research into the proper spelling of the name or even check that the name was correctly spelled throughout the article.

After you have hinted at your busy work schedule, you have to justify it by exposing the depth of your research throughout your article- which leads me to step two. Always add the prefix “pastor” before Osinbajo’s name at every point in your article. Your readers must appreciate the painstaking research you went through to unearth this news of astronomical proportions- The vice-presidential candidate is a pastor.

For good measure, and to cement your status as researcher per excellence, a snap shot of Osinbajo holding a microphone (side profile, mouth slightly open, hands gesticulating) superimposed on a background bearing the RCCG logo would be a welcome overkill.

Once you have established to your readers that you took time out to unearth news of Osinbajo’s pastoral connections, do not trouble yourself to state that he is a Professor of law with a thriving international legal practice and an experienced public administrator. These are minor details that your readers will forgive you for; after all they don’t expect you to kill yourself with research.

What you must not forget to do though is draw a parallel comparison between Osinbajo’s and Buhari’s religious beliefs – you can’t expect your readers to spot such an obvious point without your help. A good way to do this is to use sensational phrases like “extremists” “fanatics” “fundamentalists” in your article when you refer to the religious views. Feel free to ignore the fact that Osinbajo has never been even, remotely connected with religious fundamentalism. This is a minor detail above the cares of a busy writer such as you.

There is one thing though, that if you forget to mention could immediately and irredeemably brand you as a lazy researcher. You must NEVER forget to call him “Blueblood” or “Royalty”. Importantly, this news must be delivered with enough fanfare to suggest that it a skeleton that the good ol’ pastor tried to hide but you, the dedicated journalist, ripped out of his closet. Then at the end of the article, in a very short paragraph, squeeze in that you have unearthed authentic information to prove that Osinbajo’s wife, Dolapo, is the grandchild to the late Chief Obafemi Awolowo.

Now if there is one fundamental mistake that journalists make, it is conducting a thorough research and writing a well balanced, wholesome article on the subject. Your readers would think that you are one of those hungry journalists who have enough time on their hands to do proper research. So please, if you love your journalism career and do not want to bring it to an abrupt and premature end, stay away from any information that dedicated research might unearth.

Do not mention any of the significant reforms Osinbajo made to the Judicial sector while he was the Attorney General of Lagos. Stay away from the institutions he established within the Office of the Public Defender and the Citizens Mediation Centre to secure access to justice for indigent citizens. Names like the “Orderly Society Trust” and “The Justice Research Institute” that represent his commitment to social reforms must never come up in your article.

You must conclude your article by dropping dark hints about Osinbajo’s known affiliations to Asiwaju Ahmed Tinubu, a leading figure in the political party whose vice presidency ticket Osinbajo carries. If you are bold and brave and targeting a Pulitzer next year, you may add obvious lies laced with vague facts so that your readers would believe it to be true.

For example, you can say, in 1991, while Osinbajo was Special Assistant to the Attorney General, he made pigs fly and several of his chickens had full grown human teeth. See what I did there? Always begin your lie with a factual truth about the date. Your reader would be so impressed about your ability to write dates that they would gullibly swallow your lies without authentication or hesitation.

Finally, you must always pretend as if you are giving your readers the opportunity to make an informed choice on the character of the man you just wrote about. No reader likes an overbearing writer who is clearly trying to force his opinion on them. To help you achieve this specter of neutrality, use phrases like: “You decide” “It’s your choice to make” “What do you think?”. Your readers won’t know when they start lapping up your opinion as theirs.

You may choose to sign out in any way – the more flashy and elaborate first name and surname or the reserved and humble initials. Me. I choose to sit on the fence and sign off as:

Laolu O.

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Op–ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.