Osayi Osar-Emokpae: Embracing the woman’s sexuality (30 Days, 30 Voices)

Someone once said that there are two groups of women in this world. One group is full of the women that feel sexual attraction in different ways at different stages in life, and the other group is full of the liars that pretend not to feel any form of sexual attraction.

Have you ever wondered when exactly a girl becomes a woman? I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. I remember a guy friend of mine said that a boy becomes a man when three things happen. One, he gets his driver’s license and he is able to drive himself wherever he needs to go. Two, he leaves his parents’ home and moves into his own apartment. Three, he has sex with a woman.  Many guys I know would agree with this list, especially number three. The immature guys have turned number three into a sport and actually flaunt their “sexcapades”. The more mature guys keep their romance to themselves, but still see it as a necessary part of becoming a man.

But does this list apply to women? Perhaps being able to drive helps us to be more independent, and maybe moving to our own apartments (a rarity for women in Nigeria), can also give us that sense of womanhood, but God forbid if you ever mention women and sex in the same sentence. As a woman we are told that it is important for us to be chaste and innocent, after all “sugar and spice and everything nice” is what girls are made of. But then our men also expect us to be experienced pleasure-givers in the bedroom, after all women are only useful for giving pleasure, child-bearing, and cleaning (insert sarcasm).

I remember the first time a guy touched my neck, and I felt this strange sensation going through my body, I ran home quickly wondering why I was attracted to this guy. Wondering if I had lost my salvation, and was now a loose harlot. I remember analysing what it meant with my best friend, and wondering if it meant that the guy and I were “in love,” like those romance novels that we hid under our pillows in secondary school, described love. I also remember the time a guy kissed me, and I felt that strange sensation again, and I called my brother crying about what a horrible person I was, since I responded to the guy’s kiss and did not push him away. I thought to myself that how could a person that called herself a Christian be attracted to a man, and actually let him kiss her. If I wasn’t an harlot before, then I most surely was an harlot now.

What I didn’t realise was that a woman’s sexuality is a natural gift. I didn’t realise that just like when I first started growing breasts, or my first period, an awakening attraction to men, was just another part of becoming a woman. Sadly today, millions of young ladies (like me) go through this same experience every day and instead of accepting this as just a part of life, we define ourselves by our experiences. We condemn ourselves for the attraction, or see ourselves as promiscuous women because of the attraction. Or we make sex into a dirty word, confess constantly about our sinful attractions and feel ashamed of being attracted to even our own husbands.

Someone once said that there are two groups of women in this world. One group is full of the women that feel sexual attraction in different ways at different stages in life, and the other group is full of the liars that pretend not to feel any form of sexual attraction. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe that just because you are attracted to someone you have to act upon it. For one thing, statistics have shown us that sex is best practiced within the confines of marriage because of the complexities involved (and this applies regardless of one’s religious belief). Another thing, we cannot forget that because of the way women are wired we have more to lose, since we get more easily attached and STDs have a more devastating effect on us than men. But what concerns me, and the reason I’m writing this article, is my frustration with this cloud of guilt and condemnation that followed me (like many other women), just because I was ashamed of any feeling of attraction I had.

But I had to fight that shame, and I had to realize that a woman’s sexuality is a natural part of who she is. So now instead of feeling ashamed, I’m learning to deal with the attraction. Every time I feel attracted to someone, I try to remember not to beat myself down, but to accept it as a natural gift, which I must use wisely. So if you see me talking to myself in public, please be patient with me, an attractive young man may have just walked by.


Osayi Osar-Emokpae is often found talking to herself in public. She is an author, speaker, creative genius, social media enthusiast, and some other cool stuff. She is passionate about changing the world by changing herself, and spreading the contagion. You can get a free excerpt of her book here: “Impossible is Stupid,” a book that encourages singles in their search for fulfilment and for finding Mr. or Mrs. Right. Follow her on Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest or subscribe to her blog.


30 Days 30 Voices series is an opportunity for young Nigerians to share their stories and experiences with other young Nigerians, within our borders and beyond, to inspire and motivate them.


Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

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