by Stanley Azuakola

President Jonathan endorses Mitt Romney

The campaign of Mitt Romney, the Republican challenger to Barack Obama, the president of the United States, in the forthcoming presidential elections received a major international boost last week as Nigeria’s president, Goodluck Jonathan endorsed him. The endorsement came as a shock to Obama who thought he had African sentiment on his side.

But President Jonathan, who endorsed Romney on national TV said that he backed Romney for the following reasons:

Obama is a snub. Remember that time he visited Africa, I begged him to at least reach Nigeria even though it’s just to stop at the airport and smile but he refused. Instead he went to Ghana just to spite me. I would never, never forgive him for that. Other leaders like Germany’s Merkel and UK’s Cameron all visited but he was feeling too big. Now it’s payback time.

The battle between Obama and I for facebook friends is very personal. Right now he has more friends, not because he’s friendlier than me, but because he started before me. That’s why he has to lose. I have three years in this term alone; you can imagine how much I would have dusted him by the time I’ll be done with my second term.

Mitt Romney does not drink or smoke, just like me. But Obama loves beer too much. The only thing I can compare with Obama’s love for beer is my love for cassava bread. Romney has my kind of temperament; he is the man America needs.

As you all know, Bola Ahmed Tinubu attended Obama’s Democratic Party convention. Now just imagine what Tinubu would say if Obama wins. He will claim that during the convention he strategised with Obama and donated lots of dollars, that’s why Obama won. You know he claimed the same thing about the Iroko recently.

 

Good week for President Jonathan

After the disaster of two weeks ago when the Mo Ibrahim foundation released another damning report rating the Jonathan administration among the worst ten in Africa, the president bounced back last week with some good news.

First, Patience Jonathan, the first lady, returned from her German rest trip and celebrated her birthday. The president thanked God that even though “her rest was more important than Nigeria’s birthday on October 1st which she missed, she was able to come back for her own birthday.” He also used the occasion to surpass Obafemi Awolowo’s record in public show of love for his wife. While Awolowo famously described his wife, Hannah, as a “jewel of inestimable value,” the president described his wife, Patience, as a “shining star.” Of course stars are greater than jewels no matter how you want to look at it.

Also, last week saw the appointment of Archbishop Onaiyekan as a cardinal by the Vatican. This was good news for the president because on the last day it would be recorded for him that it was during his tenure that such a great thing happened. Surely his presidential reward is in heaven.

As if that was not enough good news for one week, the governor of Ondo State, Olusegun Mimiko, was re-elected and the Action Congress of Nigeria was given a sound beating. The president was so excited about this news that he invited Mimiko to the villa for his wife’s birthday celebration. Credible sources told A Pinch… that after the party, the president and the governor had a laughing meeting where the president reportedly laughed at Tinubu for 55 minutes nonstop, “one minute for each year his wife has lived on the earth.”

 

CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK

“Help! Help! Our governors have gone mad.” Something inside A Pinch’s head kept screaming that line all through last week. A Pinch… believes that politicians vying for office should undergo mental tests before they are deemed eligible.

In Enugu, during the birthday celebration of Chief Alex Ekwueme, Gov Rochas Okorocha of Imo State assaulted an aide of the Anambra state governor, Peter Obi, over a seat reserved for Obi. Okorocha physically punched the man; while his aides joined afterwards.

In Sokoto, Gov. Wamakko allegedly whipped a PHCN staff because power was not supplied to his hometown. Again, the governor personally whipped the man; his aides joined afterwards.

In Lagos, Gov. Fashola felt that the best way to show his seriousness about implementing the new traffic law was to burn the motorcycles seized from the innocent hardworking Nigerians. Not impound, not auction –burn.

In Rivers State, Gov. Amaechi reportedly continued exposing his insensitivity by purchasing a $50m jet (A Pinch…cannot verify this.)

What do all these tell you about Nigeria? If governors lack restraint and take laws into their hands, why do we wonder when the mob does same? We are a people led by an irascible, incorrigible bunch of clowns. Cry, my beloved country!

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