Solomon Osadolor: Are love and trust birds of a feather? (Y! Superblogger)

by Solomon Uyi Osadolor

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There are people we love that we don’t necessarily trust. For example, those who have the misfortune of having a sibling/family member they can’t brag about know this all too well. We’re hardwired to love family, no matter what. So if you have a sibling whose nature is rather uncouth, you couldn’t possibly trust them or count on them to be reliable. 

I was at a gathering a few months ago, where young people, predominantly in their twenties, had gathered to deliberate on issues bothering on human relationships. Naturally, the issue of love and trust came to the fore more frequently than others. There was the general agreement (or assumption) that the two traits occurred in tandem and that the possibility of them being mutually exclusive was literally moot. It’s a pretty standard assumption that you can’t really love someone without trusting them. Well, for the most part, it seems that way. But analyzing the very nature of love and trust (and a proper scrutiny of a slew of our everyday experiences with the people we “love”) should create an idea as to how love and trust are probably more mutually exclusive than we would readily agree.

Trust is basically built on the canvas of reliability observed over time. Trusting someone [usually on a particular issue] is a rational, logical decision. We trust people because we expect them to deliver or behave in a certain way every time (or nearly) regarding a particular matter. This is why it’s easy to trust some people we don’t necessarily love: business partners, clients, etc.

Love, on the other hand is (usually) an irrational emotion. There are people we just love regardless. They didn’t have to do anything to impress us the first time – they had to just enter our sphere. We can’t really explain why we love some people we love. There are those that take time to warm their way into our hearts, having to jump a couple of hoops to gain our acceptance. But there’re people who didn’t have to jump any hoops. The statement “the heart wants what the heart wants” come to mind. Doesn’t necessarily mean you’d trust some of these persons with your money or your life.

When I was in college, I had this buddy of mine who couldn’t be trusted to come through or be reliable in a timely fashion. If you were stuck somewhere and you needed someone to come get you, or if you had a time-critical message to pass across immediately, he wasn’t the guy to call. Chances are that he won’t be there to answer the phone or he’ll be unreachable altogether. Messages to his phone usually lay dormant and would have lost relevance before anything was done about them. Dude was not really good at handling a phone. You had to try someone else for that. But he is a great friend and we (his friends) love him.

There are people we love that we don’t necessarily trust. For example, those who have the misfortune of having a sibling/family member they can’t brag about know this all too well. We’re hardwired to love family, no matter what. So if you have a sibling whose nature is rather uncouth, you couldn’t possibly trust them or count on them to be reliable. You may even resent them, but underneath all that subtle contempt you find you’re inclined to love them. They’re family.

As I mulled over these scenarios in my mind, I realized that I may have over reached in assuming that the discussions in the room made any allowances for relationships beyond the personal loops of people who were dating. The various opinions thrown around, coupled with most of the anecdotes used all pointed in that direction. That’s when the thought hit me: there are those in dysfunctional relationships that they wouldn’t walk away from if they had the chance. The case of a girl dating a guy who abuses her physically, psychologically and so on is so abundant in our world that it leaves one in awe of the human psyche when it comes to love and trust.

Of course this also brings to the fore an interesting angle to how we view trust in relationships – implicitly or subjectively. It means in relationships where the trust factor isn’t holistic or absolute, people still find a way to deal with their issues and manage to function together somewhat. I think that’s where love acts as the buffer through which attendant flaws are glossed over. Or maybe trust really only just works subjectively (due to the obviously imperfect human condition), and expecting it to work otherwise would require tinkering with the very essence that forms human nature.

It does seem the common argument is that loving someone is akin to trusting them though. Maybe this is true for the most cases. Or, being human (and learning to adapt to the many delusions we’ve crafted so we can function in the world), the concept of love and trust is ever evolving that we could possibly swing them in ways to make ourselves more comfortable with the notion. Regardless of what side of the argument you’re on and regardless of any superfluous arguments I may have raised here, one thing we can always trust and be certain of is this: the heart wants what the heart wants.

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Solomon Uyi-Osadolor blogs at www.soloxpress.blogspot.com

 

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

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