by Anna Breslaw

Your weirdest aunt stumbles up to you and slurs something inappropriate about her sex life, but luckily you are just tipsy enough to appreciate it. Give her some macaroni salad! 

1. Beach drunk. Brutal. The thing about buying those three overpriced Coronas from that guy who wanders around selling Coronas is that it seems like a great idea at first, but in five minutes flat, it’s like you are drinking piping-hot beer soup. But you still drink it. And then you go home, take a shower as your drunk fades, and sleep forever. 

2. Barbeque drunk. Another delightfully bloated, sleepy summer drunk, courtesy of two hot dogs, one grilled corn on the cob, and four beers floating in a cooler of ice. Well, water, now. If you are me, this barbeque might be at the home of a friend you don’t really like, but you really wanted barbeque. 

3. Family reunion drunk. This is actually more like “tipsy and dealing with relatives who are truly Family Reunion Drunk,” since the three glasses of the cheap pinot your mom picked up at Super Fresh are being counterbalanced with 700 paper plates of your cousin’s weird-but-amazing macaroni salad. Your weirdest aunt stumbles up to you and slurs something inappropriate about her sex life, but luckily you are just tipsy enough to appreciate it. Give her some macaroni salad! 

4. Friend vacation drunk. WOO! WOO! CABO! WOO! WE WILL BE BEST FRIENDS TOGETHER! COME ON, LET’S ALL WATCH EACH OTHER PEE BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT BEST FRIENDS DO! *loses touch the following year with everyone except the girl you like the least* 

5. Boat drunk. Otherwise known as “doing vodka shots in order to avoid smacking the shit out of that one obnoxious dude who keeps singing ‘We’re on a Boat.'” Boat drunk is not as fun as you’d think it is — the best thing about boat drunk is being able to talk about it to commoners back on land, as if you’re Bey or Gwyneth. 

6. Summer Friday drunk. Not having to be in an air-conditioned hell for the full eight hours that most slaves grown-ups generally have to be is cause to celebrate! Go have a 3 p.m. margarita! And another! And another! You’re free! Just remember that tomorrow all of your friends are gonna go to the bar and you might be too hungover to get within five feet of alcohol. 

7. Brunch al fresco drunk. Fun! Shopping after drunk brunch al fresco? Well, if you consider winding up with a bag full of Forever 21 accessories and one neon crop top you don’t need “fun.” 

8. Tequila drunk. 

I’ve made a huge mistake

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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.