The sexual prowess of Pa Ugo – and more, in today’s news roundup with Cheta Nwanze

JTF

In any event, we can confirm that Baga has been more or less sealed up by the boys in khaki. God bless the dead.

1980 Nations Cup winner, Adokiye Amesiamaka is nowadays famous for spoiling Fortune Chukwudi’s football career by alerting the world to the fact that as of 2009 when Fortune was Cap’n of our “Golden Eaglets”, he, Fortune, had been a seventeen year old for round about a decade. Since then, jealous of the millions that footballers make nowadays, the erstwhile striker turned lawyer has done his best to make the chaps at No Future Ambition look bad, always telling the world about our cheating ways in age grade footie. The latest strike aimed in their direction is one about just how bad they are as managers. He has given us a few facts to ponder about, all of which are true if you ask me.

Truth, they say, is usually the first casualty of war. Thus it is that the current Battle of Baga has generated a lot of, err, truths. International agencies tell us that no less than 187 people have died. The military on their part, tell us that the number is closer to 30. Now, one of my favourite Nigerian news outlets have joined in the fray. In this report, Premium Times tells us that the military are contradicting themselves in their figures, telling us that 25 people were dead, then 30 the next day. Duty behoves me to point out that logically, if the bullets are still flying, then it is entirely possible that between Monday and Tuesday, five more Nigerians have been shuffled off of the mortal coil. In any event, we can confirm that Baga has been more or less sealed up by the boys in khaki. God bless the dead.

Speaking of dead entities, the Nigerian economy, depending on whom you speak to, has been dead for quite a while now. As a matter of fact, according to a speaker at an alaye meeting that I was happened to attend yesterday, it has been dead since about 1974 when the Nigerian government realised that they did not need the people for revenues. Not so though, according to our Finance ichafo and the Bow-Tie at the money house. The ichafo reminded the IMF blouse that Nigeria will be rebasing soon. Ah, that rebasing thing which has been postponed three times in two years…

Public Service

For those of you that like this kind of thing, the Scoop, a new news outlet focusing only on politics has partnered with BudgIT to give us an infographic on just how the 2012 budget went.

Bits and bobs

In Isolo, Pa Ugo, 86, refused to tire after 50 years of marriage. So when Ma Ugo, 70, dithered, he switched to Nora. Meanwhile, Nora, the housemaid who is a virgin, regaled the court with explicit descriptions of the sexual prowess of Pa Ugo.

Raifu Olatiloye, 40, in Sagamu was looking for an FMCG business. He decided that since Nigerians buy cars a lot, he would register the cars for them. For competing with the FRSC, he will spend the next six months breaking rocks.

An Edo state lawmaker has shown us how to enforce the law.

Still in Edo state, Igbinedion University has lost its right to graduate doctors. What is scary about that story is that according to the medical council, they are not the only recalcitrant institution. Chineke! I don’t have money to rush to Basildon Medical School when I have a headache!

Former Abia head honcho, and would be Nigerian Prez has told the British Parliament that it is only Igbo people that don’t have houses in Nigeria. “The simple answer is that the rain has continued to beat the Igbo,” Kalu moaned while the Finance ichafo wined and dined with the IMF blouse.

Right of reply

Tola Ademola wrote,

Point of correction, TVC NEWS whr I work, carried the info which only came out on monday cos govt was hush hush abt it. Pls confirm b4 u say no media house carried it. I wrote d story myself nd we sent a reporter there nd we are doing interviews nd staying on the story. Even foreign media houses tried to get the video from us. Thank u

Chxta responds, 

Thanks for the correction Tola. I never saw that report. But to be honest, my Nigerian TV staple has been reduced to Channels TV since TVC’s signals don’t get to my end. I will try and buy a bigger antenna. 

Mc Nnoka wrote,

The judge that granted the 7 year old bail should answer two questions
1 if the girl child where is her own what would be her reaction
2 would she send a child of such age to rehab, to learn what
Well in a society where rapist get national pardon anything can happen.

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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

Comments (2)

  1. Mr Orji Kalu tabled a mind buggling statistic of unequivocable numbers how the south/eastern region is been marginalise,But he’s forgetting one thing if he those become the president he wouldn’t be the president of Igobs only but that of Nigerians,So he should start to table statistic to problem that had kept Nigeria progress down as well as profer solutions with statistic on were there is a resolve,He should be addressing Nigerians and companies how he’ll drive a favourable economy that will benefit all,and not flying to the Britain to address foreign government

  2. From the report I got from BBC is that many people ran into there house when they saw the khaki men coming,only for them to discover there home won’t provide them safety cause they were burnt with their homes,and as for those that ran into bushes with gunshot wound were later found dead,can you image that people that paid to protect you are the ones showing you road to grave,the actual figure will not be truely ascertain

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