This is nothing. If you see the other two friends they can make you think of being a lesbian.

Act One- Scene 1

A 4 Bedroom Duplex in Parkview, Ikoyi.

Its morning and three ladies are in different stages of getting ready for the Sunday morning-

KEMI: (Knock Knock) Nkechi!!! Are you still sleeping? Get up jare!

NKECHI: Leave me alone! I want to sleep.

KEMI: Get up o! When I was telling you to let us leave the club early last night, you were using your yansh to do krukere on that Aristole’s thing at the Auto Lounge. So get up oo.

NKECHI: You are just jealous because you were not the one he liked.

KEMI: Me jealous? Of that shapeless round pig? God forbid!

NKECHI: (As the door opens) Don’t abuse my man o!

KEMI: Hahaha! Your man indeed! Somebody you just danced with in a night club is your man…

NKECHI: Yes! Any man that gives me $1000 just for grinding against his John-Thomas is my man.

KEMI: It’s a lie! He must be loaded. And I saw him first o!

NKECHI: Don’t even start. He is mine.

KEMI: Does he know you are married?

NKECHI: You of all people know what I have cannot be called marriage on any level!

KEMI: On what levels? You are Mrs Nkechi Mbadiwe. You live in one of your husband’s houses…

NKECHI: Make I heard wordu jare! Which useless house? How many times does he sleep in that house?

KEMI: I was just playing with you na. Is this how you want to start your Sunday? Quarrelling over a man that is not even worth it

NKECHI: You were the one that started it na.

KEMI: Ok oh! Sorry. So what are we sharing? The guy or the money?

NKECHI: I will give you 200 dollars. And the guy is a no go area.

KEMI: HABA!!! Out of a whole 1k dollars?

NKECHI: You want more? Am I your smallie? Ok… Because you invited me, I will give you 300. And that’s all. Na me dance and na me blow the guy…

KEMI: You what?!!!!

NKECHI: What’s what? I had to na. Since I said I couldn’t go to his hotel with him as we had just met. And I was not safe.

KEMI: What?!!! Nkechiiii…

NKECHI: Na wetin na?

KEMI: So that was what you were doing when you entered that Rolls Royce! I bow to you o! So tell me what else happened?

Just as Nkechi was preparing to talk, another door opens down the hallway;

NKECHI: You no tell me say Amina dey around? Why didn’t she come with us yesterday?

KEMI: It’s not Amina. They are her smallies from out of town. She arranges them for all those Alhajis

NKECHI: It’s a lie!

KEMI: What’s the lie there? (She lowers her voice to a whisper) She makes a kill from that racket.

A young lady, Mabel, in an undersized NYSC top worn over a-too-small-to-be-bum shorts bum shorts emerged from the hallway into the living room.

MABEL: Good morning Aunty Kay

KEMI: Morning sexy, you look hot!

MABEL: Thank you ma. (she turned to Nkechi and smiled) Good morning ma.

KEMI: Mabel, I bet you have not met my friend, Aunty Nkechi?

NKECHI: Stop that Kemi, my name is Nkechi. Nice meeting you.

MABEL: Morning ma. (rubbing her stomach) Aunty, I’m going to fix breakfast. What would you like to eat?

KEMI: Oh! Shit!!! I forgot I went shopping yesterday. All the things are in the back seat of the M-Class.

MABEL: Aunty let me get them (she starts towards the front door)

KEMI: Get what? Dressed like that? You want to kill our co-tenants? ABEG o!

NKECHI: What haven’t people seen before? What if she were at a beach? ABEG go and bring the things my dear. I am very hungry.

Mabel smiled and winked at Kemi as she opened the door and dashed out to get the shopping bags.

KEMI: Don’t encourage the young girl o… (door opens again)

MABEL: Sorry, Aunty, where is the car key?

KEMI: Where did I drop that key again ooooooooooooo! Yes! Check my dressing table. It’s the key with the LV key chain.

The two big babes watched her strut her stuff across the living room to go get the key, as she half walked and half hurried out of sight into the bedrooms corridor. The shaking caught their eyes.

NKECHI: Chineke!!!!! Nigerian men are in trouble.

KEMI: This is nothing. If you see the other two friends they can make you think of being a lesbian.

NKECHI: Talk true. And they are all young like this Mabel girl?

KEMI: Noooo, younger, finer and more carefree….

MABEL: Is it this one?

KEMI: Yes dear, thanks… Your friends nko?

MABEL: AAHH! They have serious issues. One is drunk and the other said she met her match yesterday… When you people left that other club, we just stayed there and it was good we stayed… aunty let me bring the things in first so I can give you the full gist.

KEMI: Oya hurry. Come and tell me everything. So we missed abi?

MABEL: As in…  (She left the sentence hanging as she rolled off towards the door and aware that four admiring, nearly jealous sets of eyes were on her bum. She didn’t need to look back to confirm. Aunty Kemi had hit on her before.)

NKECHI: Odiegwuuuu! If this girl handles any man, the man go just abandon him wife.

KEMI: It doesn’t follow like that o! It’s not by having assets o. It’s what you can do with what you have. Some babes have everything and a lepa will lock down their guy like he is under house arrest… Ehen, leave these smallies, abeg tell me jare, did you get him to…

NKECHI: No. He was nearly there when someone tapped on the window to say they should start going. He just counted the dough and put it in my bra. I was about…

The door opened and it was Mabel returning with all the stuff from the car.

KEMI: Thanks honey pie… Do you need a hand?

MABEL: I’m good… What of the Vodka and Irish cream?

KEMI: In my car? (Mabel nodded) don’t remember buying any drinks. (She gazed at the ceiling and snapped her fingers) Now I remember. My driver was supposed to drop them for Chief in his office, but he said when he got there he saw that old witch called his wife and he came back with them. Will send them to him on Monday

NKECHI: What was she doing in the office? Thought you said she was not allowed in his office. Some women won’t respect their age.

KEMI: Don’t mind the old fool. She doesn’t know that if it were not for me these Lagos girls would have since snatched and kept him. All the housewives don’t know what selfless service a serious babe renders that keeps the marriage they brag about, together. If not for me Chief would have had nothing less than 7 kids outside matrimony.

NKECHI: If not for you… I don’t understand.

KEMI: So you didn’t hear that chief made me remove a pregnancy because he was going to be knighted in the Catholic Church and he didn’t want a scandal? So I obliged. And they were twins. Now he owes me for life. I am a staff of his company sef. I’m a legit ghost worker. So he can’t let me catch him trying nonsense with all these small small girls all around.

NKECHI: Otuotsha!!!! You don’t say! Can you beat that? So what is your monthly salary? I hope you are a director at large.

KEMI: Hahaha! Director ke? I am co-owner o! I am on a monthly salary of N2m. And that is not just for being his girlfriend o! I was the one that helped arrange the facility that he set up his business with. I was also part of the debt recovery committee that wrote it off as part of our bad loans. So if you check, I have more rights to that office than his wife sef.

Breakfast is ready!!! It was Mabel.

They moved to the dining table.

KEMI: Ok. Are your friends not joining us?
0
MABEL: Aunty, please leave them let them sleep and rest. We have a thanksgiving party to attend this afternoon and a birthday party at Eko Hotel later tonight.

KEMI: WOW!! So when are you guys going to get some rest?

MABEL: Rest ke? Aunty!!! Haven’t you heard Aunty Amina say no food for lazy man?

NKECHI: (Feeling left out of the convo joined in) That’s true my sister. Make the money girlfriend.

KEMI: When did Amina say she will be back?

MABEL: This afternoon. I saw her driver cleaning her car when I went out to bring the things from the car.

NKECHI: Did he see you looking like this?

MABEL: Aunty he can only look. If he thinks about this whole package he will just die. This is way and above his dreams… Do you want sausages too, Aunty Nkechi?

As the sausages were being placed on Nkechi’s plate, the two sleeping beauties emerged from the room.

Pamela and Esohe, were very good friends. They practically did everything together. Everything.

MORNING!!!! They both chorused.

PAMELA: I am so so tired. Yesterday was off the shizzle!

ESOHE: Easy for you to say. How I wish you were the one that got the maniac! He must have been a horse in his former life. Osonobua! I pity his wife.

PAMELA: And to think I nearly fell for him… God likes me o!

KEMI AND NKECHI: (laughed)

ESOHE: Just leave God out of this. You were just lucky. I am sure if you were not dancing Azonto with that wanna be musician, the randy orobo addicted idiot would have picked you. I saw it in his eyes. I just thought he had class. How I wish it’s possible to know from just looking at a guy.

MABEL: It’s ok girls. Finish your food and go clean up the room… AUNTY Amina would soon arrive o! I can’t shout.

The two young and restless girls quickly finished their food and got up from the table, turned and headed to the room. Beautiful girls, thought Nkechi. Yummie! Thought Kemi. Stubborn and badly behaved girls thought Mabel.

Soon as they were out of sight…

KEMI: EHEN! Our gist nko?

NKECHI: Yes o! Let’s hear it.

MANDY: That’s true. Let me first clear the dishes.

NOOOOOOOOO! Chorused the aunties. And all three ladies bust into hearty laughter.

MABEL: Anyway, as I was saying that time, when you guys left us at Number10, we were just dancing with ourselves. Then from nowhere so many girls started arriving. Apparently, gist had gone round that some big boys were upstairs on the VIP floor. This was about 3am.

KEMI: That was about when we left Auto lounge too. (she half asked Nkechi who nodded in agreement)

MABEL: That’s true. I even tried to reach you. Wanted to tell you guys to pick us if you were heading home. And also to help me buy that Auto Lounge ASUUN. Anyway, there was this guy, heard he was into oil and just got this big deal and his subsidy was in billions. So he sent the manager to come call us. Pamela,  Esohe and I. So we went up. When we got up the stairs that was when we knew that it was an exclusive party. We must have been like 10 girls in all…

PAMELA: May!!!! It’s Aunty Amina…

All they could make out from this side of the phone call were a few English words. The rest were in Hausa. Though not Hausa, Mabel a Tiv girl spoke it fluently. So while waiting for the gist to continue, Nkechi, as expected, got worried about where the gist was going.

MABEL: Will give him the 10 thousand now. Would you like to eat anything when you get back? Ok. Bye.

She excused the two aunties, dashed to get the money for the driver from the room. Came back out, went through the front door and called the driver… “Isiaka!!!!” Yes ma! came the reply. After a few instructions the front door opened and closed.

MABEL: Ehen! Where did I stop?

NKECHI: You stopped at how many girls where there… Who were these guys?

MABEL: Several big boys. So one of them said he liked my maturity and how reserved I was and he said I should come sit by him. I then noticed he had lipstick stains on the zip area of his jeans. So I pretended to be angry and got up. He then sent the manager of the club to come beg me. When I went back, he then told me it was nothing serious. That there was this prostitute he met at Auto Lounge who offered to blow him for $1000 and he wanted to just experience it…

NKECHI: But you knew he was lying…

MABEL: What’s my own? Whether he was lying or not didn’t matter. I just turned it to my advantage. When he dropped us off at 6am I made him promise not to disrespect me like that again. He gave me $10,000 and I got 3 thousand each for my friends.

KEMI: Now that’s my girl! You have that guy on the lock down!

NKECHI: Men are pigs!  

(Thebookofali.blogspot.com)

 View similar links here:

Wale Adetula: Can men really handle the things they ask for?

Ifeanyi Dike Jr: I had sex on the beach