by ‘Yomi Kazeem

The following takes place in the mind a Young Nigerian from 7:00 am to 8: 00am.

Don’t get giddy and all excited; it’s not a proper party, at least not the kind that happens in a disco. I’m just having a meeting with the Chairman of the Independent National Electoral Committee that’s all, he’s due to arrive soon….Oh, there you are, Professor Jaga, I understand your schedule is tight, I mean you were in charge of elections in this nation, that you’re alive is a miracle! God bless you for conducting free elections (we didn’t pay for it), whether it was fair is not our cup of tea today. I appreciate you stopping by to brainstorm with me. Have a seat Sir, this will be the most interesting thing you might be doing in a while…

So how about we have a party? Not an owambe party o! A proper political party. I have carefully observed that there is a high number of parties all across the nation, since it seems there’s no limit for such, I thought I might as well create some of my own. Being a selfless and well meaning Nigerian, I do not intend for this parties to contest elections or to fool the people into believing they are angels in human form. All we will be doing is entertain, nothing more, nothing less. It’s no secret that there are increased levels of tension and apprehension during in Nigeria with bombs going off like light switches, my mission is to diffuse the tension. I propose the creation of four brand new political parties in this federation.
The first party will be DSTV- Democracy for Sovereignty of Transmitting Virtue. We’ll be buying rights to broadcast elections and campaigns. We shall be a TV based party. We will not allow campaigns from other parties and all our enemies shall be edited from the videos, I mean we have to utilize our leverage right? But don’t think our activities will be streamlined towards only broadcast rights for elections, as a matter of fact, we offer so much more!

The next will be BRT- Best Regional Trans-Governance Party. This will be a party of movement. What we will do with this party is transport governance on a straight line basis, no mago mago! A single lane party. To join this party you simply have to buy the ticket, it’s a pretty simple process. Once you buy the ticket, get on board and we’ll drive you to democracy, or wherever your bus-stop may be! Regional as it is, we shall only be based in cities of excellence because we do not seek national appeal. Erm Sir, since we’re a regional party, any chance you’ll reduce the price for registration? No? fine! We’ll pay the full sum! Party wa o ni baje!

Moving on Sir, another party I have in mind will fascinate the youth. You’d agree with me that we have to engage them positively to prevent their use as political thugs. The party I have designed to tackle the general apathy of the youth is called the BB Party! It will be the Bobos and Babes Party. In this party it’s all about communication, we will ensure constant interaction among youth, this way we shall pique political socialization. We shall have easy-to-use devices via which our members shall be in touch, messaging themselves instantly! We shall have a messenger that is dedicated to delivering messages sent from one member to another. Also, we shall give all members a distinct serial number that will be their national ID, to continually activate or renew their membership; members simply have to pay a certain sum! And while we know that fingers are not equal, especially in this country where some people earn about 18 million monthly and the rest of the country scavenges for the minimum wage of 18 thousand, we have designed the party system in such a way that you can pay monthly or weekly! The only danger is that there might be increased accidents in our metropolis, as the members of BB Party might be susceptible to a lack of awareness of their surroundings owing to the addictive nature of our communicating system. You see Sir, in this party, if you want to talk, you can talk, if you want to shout you can shout and if you want to sing, you can ping! Oops, sorry, I meant to say sing.

The last party Sir, shall be NEPA. No Existing Plan of Action Party. We shall be known for inefficiency and ineptitude. As the name implies, we do not plan to contest any elections, in fact we do not plan to do anything and we shall sit at the office all day when people complain about us, we’ll simply turn a blind eye. In fact, now that I think about it, we shall turn your light to darkness and this darkness shall be nationwide! If, you try to scrap us, we will reincarnate ourselves and become PHCN, the Popularly Hated Congress Nationwide, and we shall simply continue to with our sister party’s modus operandi! Membership is free but paying your bills does not necessarily mean that you won’t be disconnected from our pillars!

Well Sir, that will be all for now, I can imagine you’re flustered by all this information, but you will agree with me that this is quite a necessity considering the fact the parties in circulation right now spread unfulfilled promises akin to germs and if we don’t take care of them, who will?