by Tolu Omoyeni

A guy named Tolu went to Ghana, and has been giving us this blow-by-blow account of his visit. There is no way to explain how hilarious this is, so you just have to read it below. Enjoy!

Ghana, first impressions.

They have light. From the air, light full everywhere.

Also, this place is chilled. Like Ibadan or Enugu.

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 21, 2016

You Ghanaians complaining about NDC and what not, come to Nigeria and see proper suffer.

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 21, 2016

The bastard at the airport sold me a 5 cedi SIM card for 10 cedi. He's mad.

That money cannot be useful to him unless it's not God I serve

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 21, 2016

Man if Nigeria can be one-tenth as organized, effective, efficient as Ghana is, we'll be so far ahead of the rest of Africa.

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 22, 2016

Monday morning. At the airport.

Everything is quiet and calm and working.

Meanwhile MM2 is like a rowdy marketplace, at the best of times

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 22, 2016

You know what they say about Ghanaian women and impressive derrieres?

Ma nigga!!!! @TheGrandVezir you'll like it here

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 22, 2016

Look at what these people call rush hour FFS.

No queues. No swearing. Order.

See, I'm moving to Ghana. This is the real stress-free life.

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 22, 2016

I am about to eat Ghanaian jollof for lunch.

I cover myself in the blood of Jesus.

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 22, 2016

Bruh this Takoradi is just a chill, enlightened Ughelli that has 3G.

Very soft life these people are living here.

Goals.

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 22, 2016

Went to eat Ghanaian 'jollof', and they said it just finished.

This is how I know my mother's prayers watch over me.

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 22, 2016

My chi is not asleep

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 22, 2016

Internet in Ghana is (by Naija standards) incredibly fast.

I can stream YouTube on my MTN data.

Dem no born @MTNNG well make I try am.

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 22, 2016

Trying to approximate the prices of things in Naira is an exercise in futility.

There is no correlation between cedi price and Naira price

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 22, 2016

Some things are very cheap here.

Others are daft expensive.

Case in point: 2 pieces of dodo for 1 cedi (more or less, 100 bucks)

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 22, 2016

For the 2nd time in my life I am in a place where I do not understand the most commonly spoken street language.

I hate it.

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 22, 2016

Might fuck around and learn Twi at this rate.

It's everywhere. On the radio. At work. In the hotel.

It's like a giant inside joke.

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 22, 2016

In perspective, things are rather cheap, considering fuel is about 350 Naira per liter (here in Takoradi at least).

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 22, 2016

I still have not met an angry or openly frustrated person here.

There's something to be said for eliminating generator noise and fumes.

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 22, 2016

Because I'm a fearless bastard and far be it from me to eat Naija food outside Naija, dinner.

Hazard a guess pic.twitter.com/wIfwAhAO86

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 22, 2016

I unleashed my inner Kwame and slurped that bowl clean, as the Lord intended.

It's lit!!

As of this moment, na sleep sure pass.

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 22, 2016

E remain for me to sew kente and snag one fearless, buxom Adjoa, and my work in Ghana is done.

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 22, 2016

Ghanaian jollof for breakfast.

Is this how I die? pic.twitter.com/QCXVSU90Cq

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 23, 2016

Ghanaian girls.

Lawd!

*Makes the sign of the cross and locks self in room*

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 23, 2016

Went to get pizza.

The short, fine waitress with parabolic yansh was flirting heavily with me.

Thank God for the gift of salvation.

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 23, 2016

Appaz Ghanaian girls like Naija men.

My mother is a praying woman. I will not fall

*Fans self heavily*

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 23, 2016

I have come to a place where there is more food than I can possibly handle.

I feel bad that I can't taste everything

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 24, 2016

I am a heavy eater, but the sheer quantity of food is beyond what I can handle.

Challenge accepted, though

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 24, 2016

A bunch of Ghanaians challenged me to a ping-pong contest.

I am proud to say I defended the honour of Nigeria and ISI and beat them all

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 24, 2016

First thing they told us yesterday in the safety induction was "don't flush condoms down our toilets."

One wishes one had that problem

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 25, 2016

I cannot tell of Ghanaians are more or less liberal than Nigerians.

They, at least, don't appear to be quite so hypocritical

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 25, 2016

Ghana is safe. And there seems to be rule of law.

I watched someone threaten to slap a soldier yesterday, and he wasn't shot dead.

Amazing

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 25, 2016

The Nigerian in me was like "ah eleyi ti ku."

Next thing, soldier apologized and left his path.

Me: pic.twitter.com/2aqwX2x1t3

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 25, 2016

People who prepare or eat boiled carrots will be beheaded and have their bodies boiled in hot oil when I become the king of the world.

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 25, 2016

Boiled carrots are Lucifer's own excrement.

There is no way to make them appear appealing.

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 25, 2016

I just saw one soldier in fatigues that did nothing to hide her curves.

I now understand why Paris and Hector went to war for Helen of Troy

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 26, 2016

She was holding a gun and glowering, but a less god-fearing man would have risked it all.

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 26, 2016

Went to buy lunch and cars were stopping for me at a zebra crossing in traffic.

Lol it's like you Ghanaians don't have somewhere to get to

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 26, 2016

https://twitter.com/ToluBablo/status/769171017075822593

Probably the most culturally shocking thing here is how easily oyibos move around.

I mean, just this evening, I saw one jogging on the road

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 26, 2016

I nudged the Nigerian next to me, and the same look was on his face.

Look at 50million Naira running on the road in broad daylight.

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 26, 2016

If they born that white man well, let him come and jog in PH.

If they don't kidnap him and give him gari to drink, my name isn't Bablo

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 26, 2016

White men can move freely without escorts in your oil city.

Let me see any Ghanaian complain about their country again.

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 26, 2016

Dinner.

Banku and tilapia.

I believe I have earned the right to say 'Chale' now. pic.twitter.com/ukXdEP59MN

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 27, 2016

I'll recommend this to anyone visiting Takoradi.

Pepper warning, though.

The pepper in this makes Yoruba stew seem like water.

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 27, 2016

If you take too much at once, you'll blow out the roof of your mouth.

It's like they just put a pot on fire and poured pepper in it

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 27, 2016

The tilapia was delicious.

I don't even like fish so much, but only home training stopped me from crunching every last bone in it.

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 27, 2016

Oh, hello again, Accra.

I have an axe to grind with that SIM card seller

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 27, 2016

Look at what these people call traffic.

Something that will clear when the light turns green pic.twitter.com/ynNH8VjnRr

— Uncle Ebuka (@ToluBablo) August 27, 2016