by Ifreke Inyang [@ifreke]

[28th Feb – 5th Mar 2011]

MONDAY: It was the Monday after this year’s Oscars. Most tweeps on this side of the world had to stay up to catch the live broadcast of the awards. One memory that @Rhecks held dear from the ceremony was that of a dress. “Going through Oscars footage again & still don’t care what people say, I LOVE Kate Blanchett’s dress, LOVE it. Yellow bits and all. Fierce!” she tweeted. @elbama was probably too engulfed with the whole event that it was later he noticed most of the channels on his decoder had gone off. “Wait, who stole my BET, ESPN Classic and Eurosport Channels??” he asked rhetorically in his tweet? “Abi is it just my decoder?” @eromzy has all his satellite channels intact and was even glad that a presenter on CNN replied his tweet. He boasted about this on twitter and actually took offence when @hemsleyose gloated about another, er, celebrity replying his tweet. “U be fool?,” he asked @hemsleyose. “I say Hala Gorani from CNN reply my tweet, u dey tell me say Munachi reply u. Wake up oh! Who be Munachi?”

TUESDAY: True, not everyone knows who Munachi is. But there’s no one who doesn’t know about Don Jazzy and D’Banj. And their popularity which is fast becoming international was boosted with a tweet from Kanye West who asked them to come over for a possible collabo. Twitter was agog with the news. “It will be very funny seeing Dbanj and Don Jazzy in the same video with Kanye West..” @Tosines tweeted. @rukeitie wasn’t too keen on it. “So Dbanj and Don Jazzy are gon work with Kanye. Big Deal. I didn’t like d one with Snoop Dogg sef… #okbye” @Ovie didn’t like the results of his team’s game, but he took it all in good faith. “FT: Chelsea 2-1 Man U,” he tweeted. “Congrats Chelsea. Good call, bad call, that’s the beauty of football. Title race still very open.”

WEDNESDAY: @KevinWithAnL didn’t take it in good faith when his blackberry crashed. “So my BB has finally crashed, talk about perfect timing…3 days, 3 heartaches…This is definitely not my idea of fun!!!” @PunjahPunjee was possibly having fun in another way at the Immigration office. His tweet read: “At d passport office about to renew my passport and d immigration peeps ask me to take off my white & red hair! Afta makin me dance!” Leyton Orient made Arsenal qualify for the next round of the FA Cup at the second time of asking. At the end of the day, they were beaten silly. @Desanmi  couldn’t stop laughing. “LMAO! Instead of them Orient guys to just lose jejeli last week, they came to suffer. Smh!” @aquamarine05 was laughing at someone in a bad situation. “This is sad tho, I am enjoying watching someone’s life spiral out of control,” she said in her tweet. “I am pretty sure there’s a place in hell for me, lol!”

THURSDAY: She didn’t furnish us with the exact details but today, #TeamYabaLeft took to our timelines and provided a good dose of comedy. @FemiTheMartian: “#TeamYabaLeft we dey read for HIV test”, @seyizy: “#TeamYabaLeft where our pastor sayz praise da lord we scream “JOOOR OHHH”!”, @abnetz: “#TeamYabaLeft whr chains are used in place of rosary…!”, @shaR_Rone: “#TeamYabaLeft We use electric pole to pound yam..”, @CuteNaija: “#TeamYabaLeft we dey slim fit Condom”, @FUCKyuropinion: “#TeamYabaLeft We can jump out of Microsoft Windows!”. @Sir_Scribbles wasn’t part of this team but he was going to do something just as hilarious. “I’d rather test d elasticity of my bladder than pay 30p at d train station 2 use d toilet. Wats d world coming 2 wen a man has to pay to pee?” he tweeted.

FRIDAY: @ivorymalinov’s angry tweet had to do with peeing and er, other related things. It read: “NO. I hate your music. U sound like a urinating penis. Sack your stylist. I’m not following you on twitter. You look like mangled pubic hairs!”. @shaR_Rone shaved off the hair on her legs and was drooling over the new feel. “I just shaved my legs…first time everrr…it feels so smooth nd sexy,” she gushed in her tweet. “..I can’t stop touchin my leg I swear..its even turnin me on sef :|”. @loiseljayswags couldn’t do anything about her daily cravings. “Me nd dis ma cravings y’day it was pizza today it’s nasco biscuit nd its so scarce ….. I want nasco buscuit nd ribena :(.” Boredom was the case for @DemiladeR and he was yearning to cure it in an unusual way. “Bored at home, I should go to the gym; there should be some lonely hot looking housewives spending their husbands money fooling themselves.” He tweeted.

SATURDAY: @Tunji_O wasn’t interested in working out with anyone. He told us the reason why in his tweet. “The number one reason I jog solo is so I can fart at any given time of the run. Yup, that is the truth! I can’t be receiving side eyes and coverin up…”. @TheSeyiiB was going to be all alone at home and he didn’t like the idea. “Am seriously wondering why my mom is so excited bout me leaving the house today.. this shouldn’t be fun :S!” Tweeps however had fun with the trending topic, #IfTwitterWasHighSchool. @oluwaWeezy: “#IfTwitterWasHighSchool @GbagaunDetector should be Vice Principal Academics…”, @iamKamr: “#IfTwitterWasHighschool all essays will be less than 140 characters.”, @m_azor: “#IftwitterWasHighSchool MTN’s class teacher will be beaten everyday by tweeps.”

Gbagaun of the week: Have your pick!

@LargerThanWords: I believe everything is happens for a reason.

@_oluwadiadem: So wat r we have 4 breakfast?

@phunkmug: so now am download some nice christian jamz….

@demisubbie: @Donjiddy mrnn boss but sorry 4 d yesterdai lost sha

@Liizzyfbaby Some people was born wit Mumuness

@eric_kehinde: So Α̲̅♏ actually likely dis babe!
@edithazamosa: WOW!!!! nice eyes balls

@realremmy: MsEndowedTohBad every gurls re all bitch

Recommended: Follow @opeolu2, @AyoBankole, @zonemedier and @biolakazeem this week. And don’t forget to ask for a follow back!

Rant of the week: @fabolous2k7: Dis is jst y I can’t liv in Lagos… D holdup in Gwags is d worse I’ve seen my whole life. Not 2 even tok abt d heat. *i wish I culd rip my skin apart*

Retweet of the week: @MissLindieBaby asked in her tweet, “Pls What kinda pill can one take to cure shyness?” @dhebbur retweeted and said, “Weed!”

Tweet of the week: @stewie_emahh: Lord pls forgive me for d gentle release I made in front of essex hospital. I know the patients don’t deserve that air. I tried so hard 🙁

Seriously tweeting: @Lakeside_: Some fat men can deputize as ‘assistant breast feeder’ just in case their wife no dey house, dey ve all it takes 2 keep the baby from crying

Quote my tweet: @DONJAZZYMOHITS: Tweeps, plsssss wait for an official press release from Mohits for any news. I just read punch online, I’m sorry, but that story is funny. Thanks

Twitter Beef:

@slimfingaz: cos women never marry a poor old men…

@Scriptkidd: #Gbagaun!!!

@slimfingaz: go and get a life, global fool!

@slowbeauty to @slimfingaz: na so e pain you?

@slimfingaz: I dnt need that trash. I unfollow anyone that does that. That’s me!

@Scriptkidd: thanks, universal idiot!

@slimfingaz: thanks loads. U can like to fack off now!

@Scriptkidd: now blocking @slimfingaz… you block, I block!

@slimfingaz: I cannot share my TL with any brain dead mofo that gbagauns.

Twitter War: @MoCheddaH and the world vs @Drewbaba.

It all started with a tweet from @Drewbaba which said:  “I spotted MoCheddah in the Unilag cab queue… I thought this bitch won a MAMA?”

@MsJazzyfied saw the humour in this and tweeted back. “I’m jealous! Everyday I dey think of wot to tweet so dat I can become famous. Dis yeye Drew beat me to it! #TheCaseOfDrewbaba

Apparently, every other tweep didn’t see it as funny and they reacted.

@JCpheonixx: If your mothers and sisters allow you to call them bitches, then your mothers and sisters are weeists!

@Summerdinner1: The fact that’s she won a MAMA no mean say she suppose get car… What’s bad in queuing for cab in her own schl? @Drewbaba, you are a hater!!!

@Zwagger: You are a total idiot!

@OluwaUtchay: I think anybody dissing Mocheddah cos she queued for a taxi is really stupid! Yeah I said so… ignorant mofo!

@lumidizzle: Did I really see a tweet dissing Mocheddah cos she was queuing for a cab??? *woosah*  just when I thought people had left all the hater talk behind, today this fool just caused another upsurge.. KMT!

@AndreBlaze: A person who works in the public eye seems to be the new target for hate and criticism of the aimless sort in Nigeria these days. Funny.

More drama unfolded and @Drewbaba even claimed at some point that he got an anonymous call threatening to arrest him over his tweets. It was at this point MoCheddah tweeted a reply.

@MoCheddaH: This mornn I ‘was queuing for a cab’, this evening I’m ‘trying to get sum1 arrested’… All without leaving my bed?! Na wah o!

@Drewbaba, probably shaken by the turn of events tweeted an apology.

@DrewBaba: @Mocheddah I’m sincerely sorry for my tweet today, I was Out of order and I would like to ask for ur forgiveness

One of @Drewbaba’s followers actually didn’t see the need for it though.

@Adeyossie: So now we can arrest pple cos of their “mocheddah + taxi + bitch” tweet abi?! Stop being a fucking coward! Fool! Oya, come and arrest me! Aye e ma baje bi scratch card!

Foot Note: Many thanks to @MsJazzyfied for providing some of the tweets used in this roundup. You too can become a YNaija Twi-rrespondent. It’s quite easy. Get funny, witty and interesting tweets from your timelines and send them to me.