by Ifreke Inyang [@ifreke]

[ 27^th Dec 2010 –  1^st Jan 2011 ]

MONDAY: “I jst can’t wait 4 2011 to start!,” @seunomis tweeted. “I already hv my plans & ways 2 achieve dem. May God be wit me! Cos d impact i’m about 2 make cnt be measured.” @CapoeriraPanda was not just in a hurry for 2011 but the sixth month of the New Year. He tweeted: “I awake to the harsh reality. There are books to be read, assignments to be completed… *sigh* June!!! Why are you so far away?!?!” But what @shakar_el_swaga was patiently waiting for was different. “I am chilling wit family, cooking and jamming that utunu album!! Waiting for Arsenal vs Chelski!” he told us. The game came and went with the Gunners making a mincemeat of an ageing Chelsea team. It was time for some gloating and of course, humour. “Arsene Wenger’s wife is in trouble!! D match was a natural Viagra!” @Chyychy exclaimed. @9Jahborne asked, “Is Siasia going to be interested in Chelsea? Or can Amokachi leave that his gbagaun job at SuperSports and come here?” In @shakar_el_swaga’s opinion, “Chelsea will keep sacking their coach and one day, Mikel Obi will coach Chelsea even though him never score before, lol!”. Of course they can’t. The trending topic today was #Ufit?. @el_ewure – “#Ufit use Usain BOLT door or make u dey fear Tyson cos him fit be GAY?”, @Lumzy_Da_Finest – “#UFit surf inside sportin waves?!”, @GbengaS – “#Ufit train trum-PET?”

TUESDAY: Of course not. The trumpet is not an animal. @Nixienuga was wondering though about the exact animal’s meat she’s been having an excess of. Her tweet read: “After consuming approx. five barrels in the past few years, I finally stop to wonder what animal Nkwobi is made from. Smh!” @LagosHunter was rather confused as to what his parents wanted him to do. “Ok, nobody has heard from my kid sister since she flew out last night,” he said. “Now my dad is callin me like I’m supposed to perform some sort of magic!”. There was no choice of even Africa Magic for @yungkillingwtf. “May I ask y my father jst left me in this country without paying 4 the dstv bill?… What is this I am watching now?! ‘Music africa’!” It was the music @Tyvn’s gateman played that infuriated him. “Who d hell told dis gate man dat it’s cool to play an Indian song with such high volume? Under dis sun, with my running nose… Sango!!” he tweeted, evidently pissed off.

WEDNESDAY: @modivah was happy with her progress in anger management. Her tweet was, “I thank God for the steps I’ve made in anger mgt! It was hard in the beginning but now I’m getting a hang of it and I’ve chilled..”. The trending topic was #ThatAwkwardMomentWhen. @ScriptKidd – “#ThatAwkwardMomentWhen You’re kissing and you open your eyes for one second and the person’s eyes are wide open.”, @walegafar – “#ThatAwkwardMomentWhen When ur flippin ur hair 2 do fyn gurl.. ur wig falls off and dere goes ur ugly gorimapa!”, @kiksyyy – #ThatAwkwardMomentWhen You are looking for your offering in church and a condom falls out of your bag.”, @puffinsposh – “#ThatAwkwardMomentWhen You’re in d midst of pple n u feel like farting n u try to make it as silent as possible but den it comes out loud.”, @DemiladeR – “#ThatAwkwardMomentWhen You’re forming a phone call and the phone rings out loud in public.” Today, tweeps sent credit for @DONJAZZYMOHITS’ phone and in @ChyChyy’s opinion, there was nothing awkward about it. “Don Baba J deserves it jo! Giving is giving..weda to d rich or d poor.”. However, @MsNemah wasn’t pleased with @dhebbur who also sent him credit. “U borrowed 300naira and u are yet 2 pay back. U now brought 1500 crdt 4 Don Jazzy abi? Sha come and pay me!”

THURSDAY: The video for the song, ‘Over the moon’ which was produced by Don Jazzy didn’t impress @4eyedmonk. “There is no big deal about Dr SID’s ‘Over the Moon’ video,” he tweeted. “Nothing out of d blues.. The storyline didn’t have much to do with d lyrics of d track!” @CapoieraPanda hasn’t had any reason to visit a cafe in a long while. And his recent visit only brought back nostalgia. “Wow! I haven’t entered a cyber cafe in years…this is so nostalgic…msn chat rooms, asl, ‘Oga, this your internet is not browsing o!’, Lol!” There was nothing funny about an incident @sfladipo shared with her followers. “I saw an Ex recently and our lips locked (I swear I was drunk!). But the after-feeling I got was really disgusting! *the irony*” @riKOKOmasta wasn’t in any way disgusted about his escapade. His tweet went thus: “One of the best blowjobs of my life and she started with “*covering face* I’m really really bad at this” little did I know she meant TOH BAD!”

FRIDAY: @AngelHear_T recalled something bad that happened to her brother on this date two years back. “31st Dec 2008…my bro had dis terrible accident with head injuries…well thank God he escaped a brain surgery miraculously..” he tweeted. But on this date in 2010, a terrible incident happened in Abuja. There was a bomb blast and @bubusn updated us regularly. One of such tweets was, “I’m tweeting live from outside the Abacha Barracks mammy market. Explosion confirmed. Police presence everywhere..” @Ebuka was in his hometown, somewhere in Anambra State and wasn’t happy with the state of things. “Sad that my Anambra State looks the same since the ’90’s,” he told us. “No progress! The only signs of color are the endless campaign posters for 2011 :(” Everyone was looking forward to 2011 too. But for @MichelleDede, there won’t be any New Year resolutions. “The last day of 2010…no point making resolutions that won’t be kept. Best thing to do is slip, try again, slip..try again and again!”

SATURDAY: It’s New Year’s Day and @l_r_keivmeister was quick to tell us what he won’t do this year. “I’m not getting married this year, but I shall attend plenty weddings.:D”. For @Nemeze, it will be a year for re-connections. “Ok this year i am going to re-connect with all my white friends…It makes no sense having only back friends in America…honestly!” she tweeted. @demofoxy was more interested in another person switching careers. “Abeg, this 2011, Konga should quit doing music and maybe open a barbing salon or start selling recharge card….the guy is so dry!” @lumidizzle was careful about his first meal for the year. His tweet was: “I’ve got to be careful about the first meal of the year o! That’s how I was abt to soak garri. That would be setting a dangerous precedent :|” In the EPL, it was about taking precedence as the second and decisive phase of the league kicked off. In the first game, Osaze Odemwingie’s miss from the spot ensured Manchester United won the tie. He was spared on twitter. “Osaze is a childhood fan of ManUtd and he just showed his loyalty. Punk ass albino morrfacka!” @dayofolarin vented. @Ovie was grateful for three points and looked forward to Arsenal losing later. “Now if the Gunners fail to win against Birmingham at St Andrews, my day will be complete. Viva United!” They didn’t fail to @harryubak’s sheer delight. Thanks Arsenal! I’ve got one more New Year gift. Three gifts in one day no be beans!”

Gbagaun of the week: There was a flurry of gbagauns as the year ran out. So much so, I couldn’t go for one. Take your pick!

@2ndelawal:Does been able to type on BB without looking at the keyboard an addict?

@Atheniangoddess: I dnt gt!..is eddie murphy died?

@MALAMI5STAR: Just being honest…She are beyond incredible.

@Mzlubov: ma bb was stealed! the height!

@TheMmy: Am flying real high this time….Can’t be hold or be stop

@ademisola: So I almost spelt played as plaid. English is get worser

@Brownnzugar: #2010memories i started addicted to twitter

@dale_0: What I learned today was: the duty of a woman is to built home!

Retweet of the week: @Dorchess: “Ma boobs hurt!”. @junkyp retweeted and asked, “Ehen @Rudebadtbwoiz dn visit u abi?”

Tweet of the week: @baddessst – “Dis guy that farts anyhow, I bought a conc. smelling perfume becuz of him….e go hear am today!”

Recommended: @HUGOverified won the Timeline Invader in YNaija’s Twitter Awards 2010. Need I say more?!

Seriously Tweeting: @Moji_Uche – “I thank God for allowing me to shit unconditionally. If u see peeps with colostomy issues, u’ll knw wat I mean..”

Quote my Tweet: @BankyW- “And seeing as I’m a single man, I can’t have a female househelp abeg. Before they catch me and ekaete doing jangorova on the kitchen counter..”

Twitter Beef: @razb2k: I’m just sittin here Thinking how can niggas like @ebenet & @ChrisBrown disrespect women as Intelligent as @HalleBerry11 @Rihanna

chrisbrown: Nigga you want attention! Grow up nigga!!! Dick in da booty ass lil boy!

razb2k: I luv how u resort 2 disrespectful low brow tactics when u clearly sabotaged ur own career by beating women!

chrisbrown: Tell me this @razb2k!! Why when the money was coming in u won’t complaining about getting butplugged! #homothug!!!

razb2k: @chrisbrown you steady talking about your career and homothugs but you have yet to respond about your boyfriend @Andre_Merritt

chrisbrown: I’m not homophobic! You’re just disrespectful!!!

razb2k: Ur not homophobic, ur juz homosexual on the low!

chrisbrown: i love all my gay fans and this immature act is not targeted at you!!!! love

razb2k: hey followers…. i want to apologize for fostering homophobia tweets.. this has nothing to do against my followers…

chrisbrown: when I need tips on how to demolish my career I’ll call ya!!!!! it’s funny how I’m nominated for 3 grAmmys off of a mixtape and urscrambling for change!!

razb2k: u victimize victims, ur a homophobe, ur on the down low & a woman beater. Merry Christmas & thx 4 showin every1 ur true colors

chrisbrown: merry christmas.I just gave you 20 thousand more followers.. u should have done this first instead of telling the world you got raped.

razb2k: Since you took this that far! Dude, i wasnt Raped! what a disrespect to every Kid around the world  that has been Molested!!!!!

chrisbrown: ur a x backup singer!!!!! What do u make? Like $1.99 an hour

razb2k: Dude you must really like Dudes! or you just a B2K fan! and this is how u spend 3hrs to show your true support!

chrisbrown: This argument lasted longer than your career!!!

Twitter Drama: @bossladie: I prefer @Phaloye to his bro…..#okbye

@FaloyCashogy: I prefer @preshus89 to @mookie_smallz and @bossladie

@bossladie: So I should automatically touch my toes???

@FaloyCashogy: I just got a DM, dat @bossladie claims she’s also a VIRGIN

@bossladie: Is that y we are here? Try harder!

@FaloyCashogy: Wiv scars on my face, I date pwetty gals, I will conviniently date ur mother!

@bossladie: Lmao….am sure ur mother neva confessed 2 u dat u were a MISTAKE!!!

@FaloyCashogy: Tell me a boy dat wuld date Taiwo Aderinto aka @bossladie! Dwarf! Midget! After he fucked you in my car on Highrise road!

@bossladie: Femi,it’s just twitter. Calm down! U dnt have 2 lie 2 make up ur tweets..

@FaloyCashogy: I AM FEMI FALOY 4 A reason, YOU KNW ME DATS Y YOU R FAMZING. I DNT KNW U, YOU ARE A CHAZZER!

@bossladie: Ogbeni shatttttapppp!!! So many DMs oooo….so pple hate u like dis…n pls diploma is nt meant for only u….betta still withdraw!

@FaloyCashogy: The reason ur fwends hate me is bcos I fucked 2 out of 4 of ur clique @bossladie, It’s a luv hate situation, ASK IN UNILAG, MO BADT GAAAN! Pls can @bossladie tel us any nice dude dat eva dated her in UNILAG. If she can mention 1, I wuld walk frm  New hall naked! Be warned she’s ugly and has STDs! We plenty wey don fuck am!