We now have a black eye – and more, in today’s news round-up with Cheta Nwanze

by Cheta Nwanze

black eye

If you are new to this morning tonic, you can view previous pieces here.

Truth is that while on the one hand the Prez exercised the powers accorded him by law as ably pointed out by #DoyinOkupe, this particular decision gives the purported fight against corruption in our dear vaterland, one huge black eye.

Every man who has ever driven a car hates women drivers. They are obnoxious. They think they own the road. They don’t care about road signs. They don’t know what “right of way” means. And when they hit you (they always hit you), they cry and expect everyone to scream at you. Reading this morning’s papers, I discovered that they also leave their keys in the ignition. This new discovery was announced by a gang of daredevil robbers who made a habit of boosting cars belonging to unsuspecting females in Lagos. The five man gang would see a woman driver, case her joint, and pounce. The exasperated belles always quickly turned into crying belles. Brilliant!

Still on the subject of daredevils, yesterday, Nigeria’s premier zoo turned into a scene from a Hollywood movie (Nollywood ain’t that sophisticated yet). “Daredevil” (they always are) robbers arrived at the zoo, navigated the gullies on the way to the car park, and went straight for the cages holding the specimens who assault me each time I return to Nigeria with their endless requests for “Dollar”, “Pound”, “Euro”. What followed, can best be described as a throwback to 1983’s Scarface as a battle quickly erupted. Sadly, the Daredevils won. Two boys-in-black dead, in exchange for one daredevil, and the daredevils made away with an undisclosed sum in “Dollar”, “Pound”, “Euro”, and dare-I-say-it, “Naira”.

Such a script can hardly be good for our image as a nation that is good to do business in, but the greater damage was actually done the day before with the lifeline thrown to, and accepted by, Bayelsa state’s best dressed woman from 2005. Truth is that while on the one hand the Prez exercised the powers accorded him by law as ably pointed out by #DoyinOkupe, this particular decision gives the purported fight against corruption in our dear vaterlandone huge black eye. Rumour has it that the recipient of the pardon (with Interpol warrant against him still valid), is headed to Heathrow as you read this. He wants to test the veracity of his pardon on Oxford street, but has a gelebuba and iro in his luggage, just in case…

But back to the zoo, and the Feds, rather embarrassed by last week’s blackouts, are looking to build power plants in our two main zoos. It is expected that the power plant in the Lagos Zoo will have enough left over to extend to Ikeja. Now let me go and look for that loquacious chap that installed my prepaid meter. He has work to do…

Bits and bobs

Those of you who have ever conducted interviews for job applicants will have an idea of just how illiterate our graduates are. Now UNESCO agrees. “Nigeria has the largest population of out-of-school children in the world,” wailed UN suit Professor Hassana Alidou, while in the background, some out-of-school kids took courses on how to become daredevils.

In yet another blow to entrepreneurship in Nigeria, five “illegal” refineries have been taken apart, and as usual, the enterprising chaps behind their operations are now cooling their heels.

For those of you who are tired of the traffic heading into Festac, cry even more as a new Festac Town is to be built. Which means more people, which means more cars, which means more…

Following last week’s revelations by gavel Enang, ThisDay has gone further to tell us that almost all of our oil is owned by foreigners. What a lazy report. Tell us something that we do not know.

Right of reply

Tosin wrote,

Really,I’m not too comfortable with this critique of yours this time around even though I know that what I feel does not matter,I think I should express it anyway. I thought it is he who errs that needs forgiveness?! Do we(Nigerians) want the man(Alams) dead in sin?! No! Even the Holy book state that it does not want the death of a sinner but that of a repentant’s. Haba! Whatever crime he committed in whichever way it was committed, was in the past,as such he should move on with a new lease of life which Mr President has just given him.Methinks that is a very applaudable act of Mr President! You see one thing that baffles me is the way most Nigerians(including me) rush to the social media to air our opinions or criticize issues. We do it without thinking deep. We don’t even apply deductive logic reasoning to issues. Please,don’t misunderstand me,I am not a government person nor Mr Doyin Okupe! I feel I should point what I consider a fair fact out. James Hardley Chase in one of his books pointed out that every man is a gentle man until investigated otherwise. Alams deserves not only Mr president’s Pardon,he deserves that of Fellow Nigerians as well.

Thank you.

Chxta replies,

Alams should have gone to see his priest then, not the President. At the end of the day, the fact remains that what he admitted to in court, he was not properly punished for it, then to now give a Presidential Pardon for all of that, on some flimsy reasoning? It all stinks. Hurray for ethnic politics. The only reason Alams got this is because he is #OgaAtTheTop to the Prez.

Oluwatoyin Ade-Odutola wrote,

Dear Alams,
Part done with this this pardon
You can run for elections again
and gain back all you lost
It was never your fault
but those who lust after power
like pollens on flowers want butterflies
You were the butter on my bread
The General the waters dread
Watch how I become the butt of their jokes
and how my Reuben will choke them with words
My cool Okupe will waltz past them with swords
while Maku will give a pass Mark to all said 
and not done
Accept this pardon and by it a new pattern I have laid 
My Pat sends her love…..

Chxta replies,

You have a way with words Toyin, you are wasting talent. Let me try and find Dr. Dre’s phone number and send you.

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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

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